All the world's a stage.

"Is that so? In that case, do you want lasagna? If you answer yes, Garfield is indeed your spirit animal. Not a random man, my father. He’s middle aged. Maybe that hypothetical middle aged man is your roommate? W-Wait, professor? You? Hm, didn’t expect that.. no offense to you. You just seem like you would be studying here — Um, I’m normal! If you’re a cat, no you won’t. Gus.. cool.”

I think the answer is always yes when there's lasagna involved. Ah, your dad, I should have guessed that. I wouldn't be roommates with an old guy, he'd cramp my style. I wouldn't expect some 18 year old kid to wanna be my roommate, I'd probably cramp theirs. I seem like a student? I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

It’s not that it’s…just..

It's the beard, right? 

Well seeing as I know what dog smells like, I think you may be looking at their hatred for you from the wrong angle. You don’t smell like a dog, Gus.

Well, I guess that's comforting. 

That is definitely a possibility.

I'll take your word for that. Considering I don't think that sniffing each other would actually be a productive use of time. 

Cats hate everyone. Didn’t you get the memo?

Nope, I must have lost  that one somewhere between 'dogs sniff butts' and 'llamas like to spit'.

“Maybe but that somewhere is unknown.. at least to me it is. No, I think Garfield has more of a chance dying 9 times for heart failure, the perks. I-I live with a middle aged man! Yeah, or else who will feed you? — Good! I told you we smell perfectly fine. I’m Jessica, nice to meet you.”

I think Garfield might just be my spirit animal. A random middle aged man? I don't think it's normal for a twenty-six year old professor to live with a middle aged man. Then again, what is normal? I think I'd be able to feel myself, with knowledge or something. Name's Gus. Nice to meet you, too. 

I swear, unless you’re doing something for someone, they don’t bother coming around. Selfish pricks.

Everything okay? 

Right… that could be your problem. That and cats are grumpy little fuckers. 

Well, aren't you just a ball of sunshine?

Ever think that it’s not just cats?

Nope, not really.

"It probably got into a fight! I don’t know, the possibilities are endless! Mhm, Garfield’s definitely living the life.. and nine lives is pretty awesome — I was… but I smell just fine. You smell fine, is a third party necessary?”

I'm pretty sure the possibilities end somewhere, am I right? Sometimes I think I wanna be Garfield, but I don't want to live with a middle-aged man. But I think that's kind of the requirement. Okay, fine. We smell fine. Damn fine.

Weeeell…A lot of people put their trust in cats. For example, I live right next to a blonde lady with 7 cats. Now, that says something. That person has only their cats, it’s slightly sad yet..she has put her trust in her cats, which would probably end in her cats eating her face to death. So, yup…cats are evil.

That reminds me of an episode of Hoarders I saw. Except it was 27 cats, not 7. I always pictured them rebelling and taking her down. Pretty riveting stuff. 

Cats are weirdos. Dont trust them. Never trust a cat.

Don't worry, I'm not exactly sure why I'd ever need to put my trust in a cat to begin with. Unless I tied a message around it's neck, for some reason. 

"Maybe it was having a bad day, the cat? Now you’re making me feel bad.. I know for a fact I don’t smell like dog….wait, do I? No, no.. we both smell like people.” She said, oddly debating whether she should go sniff him or not. Instead she smelled her shirt awkwardly.

How exactly does a cat have a bad day? I wish I could eat lasagna and nap all day. Plus, nine lives. See? You're not even sure. I think we need a third party to settle this, one who's loved by cats from far and wide. 

"Hmm.. cats are just strange creatures.. if it makes you feel any better, cats seem to hate me too. Umm… you don’t smell like dog?" 

A random street cat hissed at me today. I didn't even do anything.  Actually that makes me feel worse because maybe we just both smell like dog and that's why you don't notice that I do.