all.signs.point.to.maybe

Side note: Did I always use this many brackets? (do I care thought?)

I miss kissing someone I love. The way you know how their lips move and they feel warm against your skin. When you accidentally smile because you are so incredibly happy. I miss that. I hope I get to have that again.

I don’t want kids. I have never wanted kids. It is not because I am too young to understand the draw of having kids. It’s not because I am too selfish or ignorant. I don’t want kids and I am not going to change my mind. And it drives me nuts when people tell me that I will when I’m older. And whenever I say that I don’t want them people feel the need to tell me a long winded story about how they (or one of their close friends) swore that they would never have kids and now they have 8 and have never been happier. I’m tired of feeling lesser than because I don’t want to procreate. It doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't make me some anomaly. It drives me a bit nuts when I see all these men who really want to have kids. They have a right to their wants and desires but they don't have to shove a human through their vagina. And after that part is done, be expected to abandon their entire lives in order to take care of their offspring. Society has forced me to feel guilty about loving my career too much to want children and I feel bad about it. I just want to meet someone who understands that.

I just want someone to hold me tight and kiss me on the forehead when I'm sad. But you have to do all the dumb shit first. Like small talk. And asking all the essential questions. When I'm in a relationship I miss dating and when I'm dating I just want to be six months into a relationship. I just hate dating. And choose dogs instead.

I’ve been putting off writing this post for a while. Clearly I has fallen off the wagon. I have not been blogging everyday and for some reason I as though if I didn't write about it or admit to it, it wouldn't be noticeable. But clearly that is not the point. This blog is not meant to be a source of anxiety but as all good things in my life, it seemed to find a way to creep in. At first it started out as innocent. Forgetting to blog because I was too busy or omitting my blog post as I it was impeding on my much needed sleep time. But then it transitioned into a place were I was feeling anxiety over writing and feeling as though that I had nothing important to say. And then I felt as though I was letting my readers down. So instead of acknowledging that I’ve been having a hard time I just decided to ignore it and this would somehow allow me to suppress my feelings of failure. I had so much guilt about not writing. It felt like just another unfinished thing in my life that I couldn't outrun. But even now, writing this I realize how much I’ve missed it. Keeping the bad inside is never a good idea. This blog gives me a place to sort out my feelings that otherwise don't find their way to paper. And then I realize that this blog was never about the promise to blog everyday or whether or not I was accountable but it was for me. So even though my strategy of blogging everyday seems to have fallen to the wayside, I don’t feel like I've failed. So this is me fessing up to my failure and accepting that although this may not have been what I hoped, but is definitely something to be proud of. 

I had a job interview today and it was going pretty well until the end where I gave a candid "encouraging" double thumbs up.

I feel like a lot of people look at me and underestimate how hard I work in my life to achieve as highly as I do. I know that I am very fortunate in the way that I am able to retain information but that doesn’t undermine how hard I work. Sometimes I feel as though people compartmentalize me into being “smart” and to be honest I think I would rather be thought of as a hard worker than someone who is smart. I put a lot of effort into keeping up with my studies and time managing myself in order to succeed. And I feel like most of the time that gets overlooked. I am lucky to be smart but I work hard to achieve. Sometimes I just wish people would acknowledge that a little bit more. 

I find it weird that the majority of my homework is for a course on a non-written language. University is weird. 

At yoga tonight while in the final resting pose, I couldn't stop thinking about blueberry muffins. And that is not a euphemism for something dirty. Just literally a muffin. And then I got thinking about when I started liking blueberry muffins and I remembered that it was when I was put into a psychiatric ward when I was 14 and the only edible thing was these blueberry muffins that tasted almost okay when you slathered them in butter. Sometimes I would even horde butter packets until the next time I would get a muffin because they never brought enough. The moral of the story is that not a lot of resting gets done in the final resting pose in yoga and that butter makes everything better. 

So game of thrones is making me sad because all of the bad things are happening and I'm worried that even more of my favourite characters are going to die. And although I know I'm not alone in this problem, this problem is slightly lonely as I am watching the series in the off season. RIP Robb Stark.

I have officially moved back. I have gone to all of my classes that I will take this semester and met all the people I left behind last time and even started at my job. The transition is over and yet I’m still in a transitioning funk. Even though my “groove” is laid out in front of me, I still have to remember which foot goes where. Rehashing my strengths and weaknesses in this new familiar city. Learning. Loving. Repeating.

When I child is sad they are usually able to identify the problem immediately. For example they may be happy because they got a new puppy or sad if they dropped their ice cream cone. I drop my ice-cream cone and am sad because I see it as a reflection of my instability as a human being which turns out to be rooted in some weird incident that I experienced as a child that is only now bubbling up to the surface. Where is Doctor Phil when you really need him (which is never)?

Because you can use up the whole thought on the title.

Welcome back into my life invisible audience! I have been neglecting you for at least the last month. But life gets busy and hence blogs get neglected. But now that I have entered the student edition of my life once again I will be (attempting) to post meaningful and thoughtful posts for your (but mostly my) amusement. This week I moved my butt back onto campus where I will be living for the next 8 months. And so far I am very much enjoying being back. This year my res room features my very own pint sized shower. But hey, any shower where I don’t have to wear shoes is a win for me! I also had to buy a whole bunch of adult things like toilet paper and a shower curtain for my big kid bathroom. Turns out that sort of thing is fairly expensive and I may have less then $10 in my back account. The good news is that is not including my savings account. That one has a whopping $15 (<--- joke). Fortunately I don’t have to spend as much on supplies as other faculties such as science and nursing. All my textbooks are fairly inexpensive and together cost just under $200 and in the scheme of things that is pretty good. Almost the value of 4 shower curtains and 250 rolls of toilet paper. It is safe to say that extreme couponing is looking more and more attractive the more I think about it. September is always an expensive month so hopefully my expenses will simmer down soon. If not you can find me living in a box next month.

Today was my first day of my second year of university, marking the second quarter of my four year journey towards being educated (or something).

A real blog post is coming your way...but first I sleep.