Prized Onion

you ‘had’ sex? where did it go

it’s so magical and beautiful that there are sprawling interconnected cave systems carved deep into the earth by various geological forces and you don’t have to go in them. there are miles and miles of stone passageways in total darkness that require you to exhale all the air out of your lungs to squeeze through parts of them and you don’t have to be there. some of these squeezes are underwater and require cave divers to take off their oxygen tanks and push them through ahead of them and me i am above ground looking at the sky as we speak. there are untold subterranean wonders no human has ever seen and i will not be the one to discover them #grateful #blessed

Delivered in discreet packaging my ass.

hey whats with that sign

I have to reblog this every time because frankly this is absolutely genius prose

Wow, my quality of life just skyrocketed looking at those well organized quails

hi yes me and my 15 loose children would like to stand aimlessly in the middle of the aisle at your local grocery store please

Imagine for a moment you’re one of Lou Wilson’s new neighbors. This guy moves in driving the joker-mobile. He gives you his number and when your call goes to voicemail you’re treated to a full gospel choir. One day you catch a glimpse through his window and he’s just scratching hundreds of scratch-off lottery tickets. He owns two jet skis.