to put a long story short, I was trying to kill time and I’m walking thru times sq (gross) and I walked by the church of Scientology and they were giving free personality tests so I’m like ‘this is going 2 b so funny’ and I go in, and everyone looks at me and they’re all like following me w their eyes like it was SCARY. and they sit me down (there’s triangles everywhere it looked like some illuminati hq) and I’m taking this test that’s like 200 q’s that are asking the same 6 questions with weird wording and I hear the lady on the phone behind me ‘hi this is Beth from the church, you haven’t called back… I’m worried, it’s crucial to ur growth that you contact us, you need to call us I can’t emphasize it enough, you will not recover if you don’t call us, we need you to call immediately. thank you xoxo Scientology’ and I’m like damn she’s mad thirsty…. anyways . I finish and this other woman takes me upstairs and leads me into this 4x3 ft room and there’s 8 chairs and a projector and I sit down and it’s DARK and she’s like ‘do u know dianetics 🙃’ and I’m like kinesthetics? like excercise? … anyway so I’m sitting in this HOT ASS little room and I’m like… it’s so dark.. and so hot… they’re pumping some sort of gas in here to brainwash me I feel woozy… the walls are closing in… jk, but this video has the production value of a middle school sex Ed movie with acting skills that would make degrassi look Oscar worthy. I’m in there alone for like 20 minutes and I’m CRYING from laughing like I felt crazy . also there was no knob on the inside ski was ready for the chair to strap down my wrists or for a trap door to open and me to fall thru. finally she opens the door and she’s like time 2 evaluate 🙃… I’m ready to kartwheel over her and jump out the window to escape bc it was TOO MUCH. too much . I’m like ‘I have work in 20 minutes I need to go’ and it’s like everyone in the building heard me bc they all cocked their heads and looked at me. I was ready to fight EVERYBODY, me vs. the church. so she takkes me down stairs and this lady starts showing me this chart and she’s like ‘hmm interesting…’ and we get to talking and she’s like ‘I like you I’m not supposed to say that tho’ and I was like ok……… and she’s telling me how my depression and nervousness levels are so low they’re off the chart.. and she’s like ‘let me read ur trait descriptions’ and she starts going OFF . she’s like ‘ur untrustworthy, unreliable, extremely unstable, ur ugly, ur timbs are dusty…’ I’m jk about the last two but she’s like RIPPING THE HAIR OUT MY HEAD, I was so ready to cal my mom and be like ‘I need to you come fight this woman.’ so I’m sitting there acting mad intrigued like hmmm… I didn’t know I was such a garbage bag of a human thank u for telling me! and she’s basically like ‘if u don’t take these 3 $100 classes and buy this $25 book you’re not going to get better and if you don’t get better you’ll die’ and I’m like LISTEN. I need to leave and she’s like you didn’t give a last name or phone number’ and I had my phone in my hand with 911 already dialed so I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t have one.. I was like ‘I don’t …. like phone calls’ and I went to like run out and everyone’s FOLOOWING ME with their eyes I was rEADY TO FIGHt like una Thurman and the crazy 88’s WITHOUT the hanzo sword. I’m like one mile per hour away from RUNNING and someone’s like ‘wait when are you coming back’ *picture a pair of timbs a cloud of dust left in the church lobby and me running and screaming @ the top of my lungs thru times sq* I escaped and that’s why I’m not fucking w no scientologists and I will deadass fight tom cruise whenever he would like.

The kind of writing I wanna do

This was spectacular

John Mulaney is PERFECT for voicing cartoon characters! He did a great job in this.

This some of that James Bond shit.

Swiss Army Hairclip

Imagine you get kidnapped or some shit, how useful that might be?

FINALLY!!!

Lightly hot glue a flower to it and you could make it cute and frilly without sacrificing functionality. Low temp hot glue pops right off.

this is some Kingsman shit right here

@mysterysolver

Y’all are close, but not quite there. This isn’t James Bond, this isn’t Kingsman; this is some Totally Spies shit we’re looking at, and it’s glorious

@aerois yo I love totally spies, that shit was the bomb. And you’re right this is totally something they would have

Hairclips that function like this terrified me as a child! Now I feel validated in that!