prismacolor understanding

i'm so mad that you built a home inside a brain you didn't even try to know.

Officially gaining some quarantine weight. 😅 But that’s okay. I’m gonna keep on eating just like I have been because if gaining some pounds is the “worst” thing that happens to me during this pandemic, that’s a damn privilege.

My body has been so good to me these past two weeks. My mom and I ended up getting one way tickets to Tennessee because my grandma is really sick and we just got home this morning. Between stress, driving all over the place every day, and not being able to eat what everyone else did because of allergies, I didn’t lose any weight! I’m exhausted and the lack of enough calories caught up to me but I didn’t crash too hard, didn’t fall into any ED behaviors, barely even thought about my body the whole time, and maintained my weight. I’m tired and happy. I can trust myself.

Y’all, I ate a whole pint of ice cream tonight. (Okay I gave my fiancé a few bites but barely anything.) I’ve never done this before. I’m not sure I’ve eaten this many calories in one sitting before, like ever. I’m weirdly proud of myself because I’m still in a relapse and had nooooot eaten enough today, but I basically made up for it without even feeling too bad. I’m actually satiated right now which terrifies me, but I’m proud of myself for eating what I wanted to and as much as my body craved. I just gotta work on not restricting tomorrow.

I’m really not happy to admit this but I think I’ve relapsed. It’s been long enough now that I’ve been giving in to symptoms/behaviors that I need to do some real work to get back on track. I’m disappointed because I thought my recovery was stronger than it was, but I’m not ashamed. I’m ill and that’s not my fault. I can get better again.

I have new stretch marks!!! The last time I noticed myself getting new, reddish stretch marks was literally a decade ago, maybe more. I don’t know why but it makes me really happy. It’s like a sign of progress. Plus they’re cute.

Y’all, I just got diagnosed with ADHD and I’m so relieved because I’ve been dealing with symptoms for so long and always just thought I was lazy and impatient and disorganized. I’m happy to have a name for it and more access to resources, BUT also a little scared because I’m trying a medication to manage it that can cause loss of appetite. So I need to be REALLY on myself about food. But I think I can do it.

Checking in to say I passed 2 years in recovery on the first and I turned 25 last week and I’m having a VERY hard time because my weight is starting to slowly creep up after stabilizing for several months and I’m extremely close to a weight I’ve feared for a very long time. Everything is Not Great and I’m extremely tired of being in this mental space.

Yooooo I think I finally reached my set point weight. 😱 Just shy of two years in recovery and I seem to be hovering around a few pound window with almost no restriction (and when I do restrict it’s not by much and I tend to make up for it). So, physical recovery: COMPLETE. Now to work on my brain because that’s had barely any progress since I started. 😅

My body is SO sensitive from all my years of restriction that now even unintentionally eating 25% less one day than I did the day before (which is still a very normalized amount for my size/age) makes me get dizzy/disoriented by bedtime. In related news: I’m eating a nightsnack now.

I had a good recovery day yesterday in that I ate whatever, had more Oreos than I’ve ever had in a day before because I’ve been craving them for months, ordered what I wanted for dinner anyway, AND got ice cream with my (future) sisters-in-law for her birthday and ended up sticking half in the freezer because I was full and wanted to honor my hunger cues. Went to bed not hungry for the first time in months. So of course today I’m in a very bad place, but I’ll make it through.