I think I got used to being in pain, I think I got numb to it. It's a defense mechanism, obviously, a freeze state. Constantly panicking, constantly hurt. Chronic issues, reoccurring symptoms, cycling the same pain in my body and mind. All keeping me from moving forward and doing ANYTHING, because it's all just debilitating. It makes me miserable, and I'm not good at being miserable.
I'm generally an optimist! I love people, I love the world, I love animals, I love being happy and telling jokes and expressing my love. I have so so much love. It's so unfair that even with how much love and joy and privilege I hold, how I am housed and fed and have a partner that means the world to me, that I am still frozen in agony. I am in pain. And I need to acknowledge it.
I've always been in pain. I've always hurt. I was always just too scared to do anything about it by myself! I can't face things alone, not right now, and that's okay. I need a lot of support, at least for now, and that's okay. I sometimes need an aac app to talk and a rollator to walk and that's okay. I have a lot of problems and I need a lot of accommodations and that's okay.
I can be who I am! And I can use my supports. And I can get help, even if I need help getting help. And I am so so happy I am still here because today I finally got approved to start testosterone. I've wanted to since I came out! Even before I came out, honestly. I feel like I can see my little 13 year old self feeling horrible and I just want to give him a big hug and tell him it isn't going to be forever. Tell him that big things are coming! We are going to be okay.
I have Sunny, my partner, to thank for sooo so much of this. For treating me like a person that deserves to be listened to. For supporting me and loving me and making me feel worthy of being loved. Sunny helped me each step of the way getting testosterone and I am so excited to give it back the care and love and support he gives me each and every day. I love you Sunny. Thank you for everything. I do hope to feel better someday, and though for a long time I have only been able to want to feel better for those I've loved, to not be a burden and to not constantly need support, Sunny has helped me start to want to feel better for myself too.
Not everything I do should be motivated by my need to please others. It isn't my fault I'm disabled, I am not choosing to be sick. I am not choosing to stay sick either. I need help. I needed help and support. I wasn't getting enough because I didn't know how to ask for it. And now, I am getting support because Sunny took the time to listen and get it for me and help me figure out what to do.
I am so happy. I am so so happy. I am scared too. This is a scary scary pride month. But I am so happy anyways. I want to live and be a trans critter in this beautiful world. I want to make the world better by living in it. I want to create. I want to spread love. I want to make friends. I want to be loud. I want to be myself. I'm so happy I'm crying about it. I haven't cried much lately, it feels good even if it's just a few tears. I hope I get better at crying. I hope I get better every day, in any little way I can.
Testosterone has given me a path forward! It'll be hard, adjusting to it. Having a second puberty will be rough! But I am so excited. I just want to feel like myself, and I already do just from getting approved to start! This is the best day ever. I love you.
(Tagging @this-is-trans-joy if that's okay!! I just am so happy I want to share it everywhere and shout it from the rooftops right now!!)