10 Years of Dating: A true but painful story.
12 years old - First experience of "love." I was compared daily to a list of celebrities he liked. And compared to one specific girl in our school who was tall, skinny. "She wear band tees and I like that, you never wear band tees." Compared to girls that could skateboard. Called fat. Molested in a basement. Raped in an abandoned house. Abandoned for someone else. 13 years old - Cute popular guy, much older than me, fingered me at his house and then made his friends smell his hands and washed them furiously, to make fun of how disgusting I was. 14 years old - First experience of being cheated on. I asked him to choose marijuana over me, he chose marijuana. Mom walked in on us and made me change schools. Cried over him for months. 15 years old - Five year age difference. Romeo and Juliet, manipulation. Emotionally and verbally abused. Mom hated him, got a restraining order. I was blamed. Compared to a girl whose parents accepted him. She also didnt care how much he would drink. Every other week he dumped one of us for the other. He also fucked my best friend. Two years of manipulation. 16 years old - Met a guy at my first job. Taught me how to smoke weed. Taught me about jam bands. Belittled me for being in highschool. Dumped me by bringing me flowers. Tried to get me back after I found someone else by writing me a poem. Bullied me and my family on facebook with his friends. Used me for sex years later. Still hates me. I will always think its my fault. 17 years old - Dated my best friend. Was a fucked up person from the years of abuse. Cheated on him and everyone constantly. Manipulated everyone, dated multiple people. 18 years old - Had an "open relationship" because I learned that monogamy was impossible. No one would ever want to stay just with me. Went to college and got fucked over. Could not function normally in friendships or relationships. Learned that alcohol can make you black out and feel good temporarily. Even with complete freedom, he still left me and chose someone else. 19 years old - Dated a 37 year old. He was obsessed with me and placed me above all other humans. Thought I was his reason for being born. I fucked around. I was young and scared. 20 years old - Dated a drunk artist who was paranoid that I was having affairs with him friends. He would black out and go missing. Would scream at me when he was drunk. Apologized the next day always with chocolate. Had to let him go. Fell for his friend who was manipulative. Lost a lot of friends. Made many hate me. 21 years old - Fell in love with a blonde guitarist who did too much acid. Suddenly, commitment came easy. Thought I was fixed. Thought I found my soul mate. He replaced me instantly when I went to South Africa for my semester abroad. He chose someone else. One year of agonizing pain. 22 years old - Dated multiple men, slept around, desparate, broken, searching ravenously like a starving animal for someone to love me. On the list were multiple foreign men, a dope addict, multiple psychotic artists, my good friend, a babyfaced sophomore, a married man, all of whom were fully accepted by me for their flaws. All of whom were completely loved and desired by me. All of whom were fully welcomed into my world with open arms and full acceptance. All of whom completely abandoned me. Was saved by one man who loved me, dated him for a year, moved to South Africa, broke under the loneliness of long distance, kept him for comfort, lost him in the end because I am still broken. Turning 23 years old - Fell for another one. Crossed countries (literally) just to be with him. He chose someone else. So. My 23rd year of life. Not my 11th year of dating. My first year of independent healing. Getting back the love I gave away and reclaiming myself. Looking back at the past ten years, I am heartbroken. I am heartbroken because I lost myself.
