free my man! yeah he did all that shit but free hi

These were my absolute favorite movies of 2021, in no particular order:

1. Vacation Friends—Tom Brady and Tyler Perry have great comedic chemistry in this laugh-out-loud rom-com vacation getaway gone awry. With Cameron Diaz and Whoopi Goldberg as Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo. Cinematography by Annie Leibovitz.

2. Cruella—Disney does it again. All the Emmas of Hollywood team up in this villainous origin story in which Sharon Stone adopts a zombie brood of Dalmatians to help kick-start her own hair-care fashion line called “Lucky Scrunchies.” This movie has dog-lover’s pizza written all over it!

3. Jungle Cruise—John Cena and Kirsten Dunst go on a gay-friendly Disney “cruise” ravaged by zombie monkeys in the Brazilian rainforest. A hologram of Michael Jackson makes a cameo as Ronald McDonald in a Technicolor burlesque sequence at Radio City Music Hall (featuring the Muppets), while Chris Pratt and Chris Evans play evil twins manning an atomic submarine in pursuit of a rare anaconda unicorn that gets lost while shopping at Kohl’s. Oscar frontrunner for sure.

4. Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage—More sloppy seconds from Marvel!

5. Drive My Car—This 3-hour HD screensaver from Apple TV is a super-cut of all the most violent murder sequences from Grand Theft Auto: The Battle of Gay Tony. In Japanese with drag subtitles.

6. The Power of the Dog—Benji vs. Cujo in a vicious canine-with-rabies bloodbath from hell. With Kendall Roy as Darth Vader. Now streaming on The Humane Society +.

7. Spencer—A riveting psychological docu-drama in which Kristen Stewart loses a contact lens and spends half the film searching for it inside a palatial mansion. She meets a chiropractor named Spencer Tracy who gives her an “adjustment of a lifetime,” forever changing the course of the universe. Jaw-dropping costume design by a Sears catalog circa 1991.

8. Licorice Pizza—There’s something for everyone in this sci-fi scramble of Mystic Pizza meets Willy Wonka. Olivia Rodrigo stars as the matriarch of a hoard of child-trafficking Antifa vampires smuggling Covid-laced heroin into hospices across America as a plot to overthrow Big Lots. There’s also a show-stopping musical number starring a hologram of Philip Seymour Hoffman as the rat that dragged a slice of pizza up the escalator in that viral video from a few years ago.

9. Spiderman: No Way Home—Peter Parker gets off his meds, breaks up with Zendaya, and finds himself “psychologically ensnared” in Charlotte’s “web of deception.” A downward spiral ensues: meth binge, bankruptcy, a cameo on that TV show Hoarders, where Peter is fatally crushed by a mountain of National Geographic magazines he’s been collecting since first grade. Charlotte hatches a million spider babies who feast on Peter’s “radioactive” carcass and begin spinning a green “virtual-reality” web in the Simulated Matrix Metaverse, where A.I. Chinese Overlord.com takes control of the global marketplace, drinks Pepsi all day, gets diabetes, and has to have its legs surgically removed by Keanu Reeves, whose last words before the anesthesia kicks in are: “Let’s Scooby-Doo this mother.” Starring Elon Musk as Wilbur the Pig and Mark Zuckerberg as James Franco before #metoo. Directed by Satan.

10. Avatar 2—Another masterpiece from John Cameron Mitchell. The Smurfs get swole, drop acid and disembowel Gargamel’s cat Azrael, who comes back as a zombie and eats Vin Diesel’s face right off in a stunning cross-cut-mash-up with Jungle Cruise 2: The Wrath of John Candy. With Amy Schumer as Smurfette.