Ronan Lynch loved to dream about light.

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I am going to fail. Everything.

I can't focus I can't think I'm completely losing my head trying to study. It's so fucking hard. There, I said it. I can't just study my notes like other kids. Well I guess I can but I have to listen to them instead. It just takes up so much more time than simple pen and paper. Even when my actual exams come around what are the professors going to do with me? I have to have the exam orally or on a computer somehow in a way that won't disturb anyone else.

They don't have time to sit down and help me individually and quite honestly? They shouldn't have to. I want to scream. It sucks. On top of that I'm completely panicking over what I'm going to do about Silas. I want him to pass. I'm completely petrified that he won't.

Another thing I'm stressing out about; I'm about 99.999% sure Simon is going home for the holidays. I want to go with him so badly it feels like a part of me is tearing inside. I want to leave Brightwood for the first time since I walked on campus. Of course I want to come back but... I don't know what I want. I'd just like to get away and I can't imagine a better vacation than one with Simon in it. The only thing I could think of would be one that had Silas too.

But I really really want to go home with Simon. I want to meet his family. I want to experience an actual christmas where I know the people I love and care about won't be taken from me the next day because they started their first heat, discovered their status, or hell, even because they got adopted.

I keep talking about what I want. It's weird. Before Brightwood, I never even considered the option of being able to want something. Not since... I went blind.

I feel like I'm in another world at Brightwood. It's like a movie only real life. Everything is actually turning out okay. Even some of those kids that used to push me around have settled down. Maybe it's just the holidays that has everyone putting aside their differences but... it feels like more than that. Whatever it is, the change is nice.

I managed to get presents for Simon and Silas. I even got something for Isaac though I don't know him very well, Headmaster, Professor Walsh, and a few others. It's nothing much, just candy and cards, but it's the thought that counts right? I hope they like the cards though. I spent a lot of time on them. They're... well, I don't know if they're pretty or not. They feel cool. Most of them have cool snowflake designs I cut into them with the words "Happy Holiday's" printed on them, then the same thing in braille pressed in underneath.

I think Simon plans on going home for Christmas. I'm... I'm going to miss him. It's going to suck spending the holidays without him. I want to ask if I could go home with him and spend it with him. Maybe he thinks I'm going home for the holidays too. It's not like I ever answer questions about my family when he asks them. I don't know I guess. Silas might be sticking around too. I haven't asked him. I haven't asked anyone.

Silas and Isaac are cute. Simon tells me about them but even I know when Silas hangs out with him. He's... happier sometimes. Now that the holidays are almost here homework has been slowing down surprisingly. I'm used to it picking up as we neared the holidays.

I can safely say that Brightwood is the best school I've ever been too. It... gives me hope for a future I didn't imagine was possible. It's easy to forget that outside these walls people treat each other differently. Inside we're equals. I... I love that. That's my favorite part about Brightwood and being a part of this experiment. We forget that it's an experiment.

I really like it here.

Brightwood. It's not what I expected. I don't really know what I was expecting in the first place, but it wasn't this. It's so much more than I could have ever anticipated.

Simon, Silas, my teachers? Even the Headmaster, they make it worth it. Sure some of the students are still dicks but that's going to happen anywhere. Back at the home I took hits more often than here. Back there they knew where to hit so a mark didn't show. At least here I have a meal every day and a bed to sleep on.

I realized I focus a lot more on school than a lot of students. They don't have to worry about getting kicked out. If my grades drop? What happens? Will they stop paying for my tuition? Will I get kicked out of the experiment? Where will they send me? It's not like I have anywhere to go?

Even now I'm trying to find ways to get christmas presents for people but I don't have any money. Am I allowed to sell my services as a tutor? Who would even want a blind tutor anyways? Sometimes I feel like I have no future. I know I do. I know when I turn eighteen I'll be able to collect me inheritance but... I didn't earn it. I feel like I'm cheating. Here I am at this school for free and when if I finally graduate I'm just going to get handed all this money? My parents worked hard for it! Why is it just being given to me?! I didn't earn it! I don't deserve it!