Week Nine: The Road So Far
I really like it here.
Brightwood. It's not what I expected. I don't really know what I was expecting in the first place, but it wasn't this. It's so much more than I could have ever anticipated.
Simon, Silas, my teachers? Even the Headmaster, they make it worth it. Sure some of the students are still dicks but that's going to happen anywhere. Back at the home I took hits more often than here. Back there they knew where to hit so a mark didn't show. At least here I have a meal every day and a bed to sleep on.
I realized I focus a lot more on school than a lot of students. They don't have to worry about getting kicked out. If my grades drop? What happens? Will they stop paying for my tuition? Will I get kicked out of the experiment? Where will they send me? It's not like I have anywhere to go?
Even now I'm trying to find ways to get christmas presents for people but I don't have any money. Am I allowed to sell my services as a tutor? Who would even want a blind tutor anyways? Sometimes I feel like I have no future. I know I do. I know when I turn eighteen I'll be able to collect me inheritance but... I didn't earn it. I feel like I'm cheating. Here I am at this school for free and when if I finally graduate I'm just going to get handed all this money? My parents worked hard for it! Why is it just being given to me?! I didn't earn it! I don't deserve it!
I keep my grades up because it feels like I'm earning my place at this school. I can't afford it but at the very least I can prove academically I'm smart enough to compete with paying students here? It's... stressful. And wrong. And Silas terrifies me by not doing his school work. I don't want to lose him. I really can't lose him. I have to find a way to get him to focus, get him to do just enough work that he's not in danger of failing. I know he can do it. He's not stupid like he thinks he is. Silas just doesn't do well when presented with a sheet of paper and told "fill this out for tomorrow." I feel like he needs to understand the value a personal task has for him. What will he get out of doing his homework? Lately it's been nothing, so he doesn't do it. But if his homework had personal value for him I feel like he might be more interested.
