#je12

I am going to fail. Everything.

I can't focus I can't think I'm completely losing my head trying to study. It's so fucking hard. There, I said it. I can't just study my notes like other kids. Well I guess I can but I have to listen to them instead. It just takes up so much more time than simple pen and paper. Even when my actual exams come around what are the professors going to do with me? I have to have the exam orally or on a computer somehow in a way that won't disturb anyone else.

They don't have time to sit down and help me individually and quite honestly? They shouldn't have to. I want to scream. It sucks. On top of that I'm completely panicking over what I'm going to do about Silas. I want him to pass. I'm completely petrified that he won't.

Another thing I'm stressing out about; I'm about 99.999% sure Simon is going home for the holidays. I want to go with him so badly it feels like a part of me is tearing inside. I want to leave Brightwood for the first time since I walked on campus. Of course I want to come back but... I don't know what I want. I'd just like to get away and I can't imagine a better vacation than one with Simon in it. The only thing I could think of would be one that had Silas too.

But I really really want to go home with Simon. I want to meet his family. I want to experience an actual christmas where I know the people I love and care about won't be taken from me the next day because they started their first heat, discovered their status, or hell, even because they got adopted.

I keep talking about what I want. It's weird. Before Brightwood, I never even considered the option of being able to want something. Not since... I went blind.