We broke up right before my birthday this year, for the whateverth time. It was mutual, in fact I don’t really even remember what we broke up over.

But all these months subsequently have been him coming to visit me all the time, since I told myself I wouldn’t date till i graduated from college this semester. I thought he was spending the time and working on our healing. I was still sleeping with him too cause I believed this and I just wanted him.

Months I was not talking to anyone and just working so hard to fix this. At the beginning of November he had made a joke about marrying me one day and it made my heart soar. I thought something wonderful was going to happen when I graduated. I don’t know I thought maybe he would be my hero for once.

One month later, he is ignoring me and is dating someone. Telling me I asked for this and that he didn’t see healing in me, he didn’t see forgiveness or a chance to move on. 

I forgave you aaron, every time right when it happened

I forgave you when you cheated on me within the first year of dating

I forgave you when you yelled and screamed and told me horrible things like you didn’t believe my abuse

I forgave you when you beat me

I forgave you when you manipulated me with all those “friends” who were all just fuck buddies. 

and here I am, still forgiving all this. but my hurt is still sharp and it still burns and I don’t think it has to do with me forgiving you. I think it has to do with the fact that now that I am full of pain and trying to heal, you have decided that it is too much. Like that Halsey quote, “you were red, you loved me cause I was blue, you touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky, and you decided purple wasn’t for you”. I am always depressed I am always stressed look what I’ve come from, look what you’ve done to me. 

and here in my tears and my grief about not being good enough or whatever it is that has lead my life to this moment. I do know something, you are not the man of your words that ive clung to all these years. you are a man of cruel action.