Pretty Little Iconoclast

I don’t think enough people understand how hard it is to exist in a neurotypical world as someone who has a mental illness or is neurodivergent. There are so many that just don’t understand just how distressing and nerve-wrecking everyday social situations are for someone with social anxiety. So they give you shit for it as if you can control how your brain functions. There are those that don’t really get how depression can be so debilitating, so all-encompassing, that some days it feels like a feat of achievement to even get out of bed, put clothes on, and go about your day. All the while you’re pushing out the suicidal impulses and suppressing the panic attacks. I’ve been told so much insensitive shit that it’s made me learn to be close-guarded about my struggles and not seek help.

I’m very glad that we as a society are now making the effort to be more aware about mental health and remind ourselves to look out for one another. But even the allies who are aware of this issue but have never experienced a severe mental illness can be super oblivious when someone they know is clearly going through a tough time, and they say something that only makes that person feel shittier.

My repressive brain: We’re just gonna pretend it didn’t happen.

To the sad, angry young girl that was me,

I’m sorry I never fought for you. I’m sorry I never stood up and told mean-spirited friends, certain relatives, my peers, and even some inappropriate adults to go fuck themselves. I’m sorry I was my own worst enemy and my loudest critic. Over time you’ll truly understand how you deserve to be treated, what you will and won’t tolerate, and at some point you will acquire the strength to stand tall as a woman who knows her worth. I’m sorry it took such a long time to understand my worth, because if I had known any sooner, I wouldn’t have subjected myself to be disrespected by men, taken advantage of by friends, and just plain hurt. I want to tell you that although you’ve been through so much pain and have so much more to experience, you have braved every storm in your life up until June 29th of 2020 and came out stronger, wiser, and better. And I don’t intend on breaking that track record any time soon.