can't walk this earth alone.

while everyone else is sucked into social media, i don’t want to be like that. I want to live in reality and not forget what actually matters. but also i need to remember to not live for recognition of others or let any sense of "i want to give blah impression" be my motivation

but i want to do well. I still want to be technically good. and I want to figure out what you made me to do.

i know my life is not like Suits, but also wow i am enamored by the idea of doing good work well.

And don't regret the moments we never had

Teach me to treasure and behold the things I was created to cherish and know

And when I think of where you're headed, i don't know what to do.

Let me not be a clanging gong

I see fire inside the mountains

well, I kind of like how I am. No, I don’t have to act some way to fit into some box. Maybe life after school is just like life in school all over again. Only the people who know how to act and know the right things to say get by and get higher... but what if i don’t have to bow down to stats..?

hey, I’ve already made it this far. :-)

I’m pretty sick of hearing i have to be this way and that in order to get to this place and that. i will go where i need to go and be what i need to be, according to what the Lord has called me to - not any unsaid timeline or anything or anyone else.

up the right side and down the left side there i go again for 5 days this time this could be home-hAHA. i am joking.

but something is nice- with the waves and the orange and the rocks and the trees and the sticks and logs- something is nice when there’s something to do. something to check off, be a part of, make my mark just a little.

and around me i hear only my sweet sweet engine, my b470(*chirpchirp - rip5x), and my pen on my trapper keeper.

i think I might want to be a birdwatcher. I think it would be nice to know the owners of the sounds that i hear. who is calling out?

and inside i hear rumble rumble, grumble grumble, feed me now else i crumble! or vroom vroom to the other side, lights flash! and it’s gone. boom! once. boom! twice. into rubble rubble.

sometimes we just don’t know think we know or we don’t care what is ok what is good what is the right direction, so we just leap, wherever the wind takes us. but the wind is not so reliable and does not know what is right either, but simply follows the pattern of ocean currents. (and everyone knows the tide rises, the tide falls)

it might fulfill its promise to be breezy and fun and wonderful-- i don’t deny that. In fact, i’d say the wind is pretty good at fulfilling that promise usually. the thing is that we don’t know enough to pick the right promises that we need fulfilled.

we think we need this we need that--and it’s so easy to be caught up in the wind of it--but in the end, i’m thinking that there’s only one real need that we have, and only certain promises that we need fulfilled.

but sometimes I’m not quite there yet, and I still want more. how do you put down some of your desires without smothering them altogether? or maybe some desires just need to be smothered. yes, perhaps.

The one real need that we have is redemption.

The only promises we need fulfilled are those from the mouth of God. Everything else is chaff, easily blown away by the wind and not good for building hope or peace.

A lot has happened. At some point within the past year, I had some small worries bubbling deep down, about I guess whether life is really the best of the best, the most brilliant, the most worth it when I’m following Jesus. That that statement “there is nothing better than following Jesus” might not hold true.

But last weekend, I experienced something that was just reminiscent of another world. I saw how that statement rang true on a wedding day.

Ever since I prayed this one prayer for my dear friend, I can’t stop thinking about how crazy it is that God is God and that He’s this God who does everything BEST. And that is so so so true in the context of that wedding day. That day, I found that perhaps marriage is something to which I might look forward. I found myself hoping I might find myself in a similar position during my time on earth. And I also found myself just incredibly utterly floored by this great God. It’s like I saw this other level of greatness, and I feel like I’m once again getting to know Him, especially His way of bold loving and righteous loving. It’s a sweet thing, that.

Once upon a time, if you ask anyone who knew me then, I dreaded dreaded and i mean DREADED life after school. I thought it would end and i’d eventually die. I thought basically I’d just arrive safely at the grave after working for 77 years while doing community service work and donating to some orgs on the side on weekends. But I am now seeing that there’s no pigeonholing in life when God is in the picture. That I’m never “stuck” somewhere, but I am placed there. even when it sucks and it feels stuck-y.

I remember I used to wonder how do you make it so that you don’t have to be friends with everyone with whom you make some happy chat. Now I see that I’m quite capable of just that, and if I don’t want to be friends, I’ll make it quite plain.

but I think there are times that I miss opportunities because maybe I am too quick in shutting people out. but it’s also just hard to make new friends, even to begin to be friendly with someone, when I go in with the idea that they’ll never match up to the friends I have already. I guess that’s not very fair maybe.

I asked the church staff to give my number to her, in hopes that she might realize I’ve opened the door to at least stay in touch with her as a fellow sister. friendship comes later.

also, I get very uneasy when I meet a fellow brother or sister in Christ or even nonbeliever-seeker who is in a.. we’ll say, ‘steady’ relationship with a nonbeliever or a believer who doesn’t attend any local church, because they seem quite made up in their minds. But me, I’m sitting there next to them, hoping they will somehow realize this big mistake, that life is going to be so hard, that marriage is going to be so much harder, that they’ll want to get out almost as soon as they get in... of course, these are also just conjectures on my end, but I do believe they are conjectures which are quite founded. And for the nonbeliever in that case, they’re... well, they’re even more stuck then???! I really find it hard in that case. And I even begin to withhold the gospel from the nonbeliever-seeker. And I find myself knowing someone in both of these cases now.

I just hate it when I see people heading the wrong path, and I don’t know how to speak into it... I guess my solution is to shut them out entirely, so that maybe I wouldn’t be responsible for not having prevented it. That is pretty selfish. And I guess that’s a bit of the messiah complex. in a very give-up-y manifestation.

Maybe it’s the same: our job is to love. God’s job is to change.