Vulnerability

Everyone sees that girl. It’s hard not to notice. Whenever she smiles, the skies open up and the sun shines down. Her laugh is the sweetest song you’ll ever hear and the tidal waves are incomparable to those that are on her head. She’s beautiful. Any one could see that, beauty is not a fact, but a beauty so genuine is hard to deny. Boys follow her like lost puppies searching for their owner, and melt in the palms of her hands. She pretends she doesn’t realize that the world is in her little hands, but on the inside she knows that the heart of many is within her grasp. That girl catches attention. When people see her they stop to do a double-take, unsure that the angel in front of their eyes could actually be on this caliginous Earth. They flirt, stare, ponder; they are in love with the ethereal aesthetic of that girl. Her body curves like a bending road, her skin smooth like milk, even her shadow could break hearts. But then there’s this girl. This girl knows she is not a jaw-dropping, eye-catching beauty. She knows that in a room full of girls your eyes would only linger on hers for but a moment. She is average, to say the least, and she is fully aware. The lack of attention she gets from guys just proves that notation. This girl tries her best everyday to become something beautiful, something worth noticing and keeping. She has to settle for her position, because it’s all she ever knows. This Girl always wonders how she could be That Girl.

There are days where I can face a mirror with an eager smile on my face. I feel beautiful, to say the least, and confident. These are the days that welcome a new sense of self-worth, a new price tag plastered on me with the words "priceless" read bold and audacious. This feeling is rare; blue moons come quicker than this feeling. It is a feeling that comes from within, my look actually having little to do with its appearance. The days that are more common, are the days where I am stuck behind a grey cloud. Mirrors are avoided as much as possible. My heart races whenever someone's eyes linger on me for too long - I know they are picking out my most minuscule of flaws. No matter what I wear, how my hair looks, how my skin looks, how my jeans fit, this feeling is a ticking bomb that goes off without warrant. I never know when I can expect to feel at my lowest again, I just know it always comes. If my self-esteem depended on my appearance, I would be a jewel everyday, but sadly, no matter how shiny the diamond, I still feel like a rock.

How to: Be yourself in a world that's constantly telling you not to 1. Stop straightening your hair; embrace the curls that dare to sprout out of your roots. Straighten your hair. Cut and dye it pastel pink because you always liked the way that color looked on you. 2. Wear that shirt, those jeans, that dress. The next time you start to worry whether you look to "fat" in it, pay yourself a compliment. 3. Beat that face, girl. Wear as much make up as you'd like. Or don't. You're beautiful with or without. 4. Stand up for you beliefs no matter how many old white men (or FOX news) are trying to tell it's incorrect, or you're "just being a teen." 5. Stop listening to what everyone has to say about you. People will talk, they will stare, they will laugh - it's up to you on how you own it. 6. Pursue the career you always wanted to do, even if it doesn't pay you half a million a year. Do you really value money over your happiness? 7. Stop apologizing for the way you feel. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, even you. 8. Openly compliment yourself without justification. Yes, you really do look amazing. Own it.

Life. How can one find a suitable amount of words to describe life? It’s almost impossible. To sum a plethora of memorable years up, life is trial and error. Life is stepping into a new school on the first day, opening up a perfectly wrapped present, travelling to some place new, and eating something for the first time. It’s an adventure, a journey down multiple paths with no set location in mind. How one chooses to live their life, and what path they may take is up to them. Everyone has different values and priorities, so it’s really up to them on what they find most important in this experience we call life. Recently, I’ve been pondering deeply on what I value most in life. In less than three weeks, I will be reaching the mere age of sixteen, and though it’s young, I feel well aged beyond my years. I consider myself a deep-thinker - sometimes even an over-thinker - but a thinker nonetheless. In reality, I have just began living. I am a butterfly emerging out of its cocoon, eager to face all that the world has to toss her way. However, in my life, there have been some obstacles that provoked me to stay in my temperate and welcoming cocoon. We all have our battles, but there are some fights we just can’t seem to win. For me personally, I can never seem to get over myself. If I were to be brutally honest with myself (which I am attempting to be) I think about myself a whole lot. I’m constantly analyzing myself, picking out the worst parts of my being, trying to build myself up yet only tearing myself down in the process. I’ve come to realize that I hold my reputation and other’s opinions about me as a vital aspect of my life. I have become in love with the idea of being liked by everyone, and obsessed with the idea that I may not be liked by everyone. As incredibly insecure it sounds, it’s also extremely narcissistic. Being constantly worried about my image and aesthetic appeal is draining in all forms of the word. I learned to become a shadow of others, knowing that I was too empty to be a leader of my own. I fantasize a lot. This is probably the reason I’m so enthralled with literature; it allows me to escape out of reality and into fantasy. Sometimes my ideal persona gets mixed up with my prototype, and the fact that my blueprint isn’t identical to the copy is what breaks me down. I have been incredibly insecure for years. I used to think that I would outgrow my ongoing battle with my personal self-afflicted low self-esteem, but sadly I haven’t. I would blame my issues on everything around me: society/my friends/my parents/boys/everythingandeveryonebutME. Truly, I was the blame for my own twisted mindset. I somehow convinced myself that I was only an addition to the world rather than an actual piece to the puzzle. I transformed into my own shadow. As I’m approaching life and the upcoming years I have yet to face, I am coming to terms with my identity. It’s important that we must always evaluate ourselves from time to time, and I’ve been doing that a lot recently. I learned that the things I put my value and self-worth in are fickle and will only lead me on an endless roller coaster of emotions. Deep down in my mind I know and understand that through Christ, I can be anything and do anything, but I never really felt that. Now, I’m working on feeling that. I don’t want to enter my sixteenth year of life as a meek shadow who plays as an extra in her own movie. I will overcome my self-esteem issues; I’m saying this as a declaration. God called me to be a strong, self-motivated, inspiring, confident woman. With his help, and a major adjustment of my mentality, this will happen. I now feel ready to emerge out of my warm cocoon and step out into the shocking cold of reality. One day my fantasy and my reality will be the same image. I challenge everyone that’s reading this to do the same. Whatever you are going through, whatever battle you feel you can never quite win, I promise you that with His help we will get through this. We are conquerors through Jesus because that’s who He called us to be. With Him, we will win. Every. Single. Time.

When I've wrapped myself in my own chains, He is holy When the only path I'm walking on is confusion, He is holy When the beating of my heart is the only indication of life, He is holy When I'm insecure and unsure of the skin and body I've been given, He is holy When my life is going well and everything has fallen in place, He is holy When my life is falling apart and nothing seems right, He is holy When I'm tempted with the ways of the world, He is holy Above all things else in this world, above even the most seemingly important things, no matter my circumstances, He is holy.