Potterwatch Transcripts

Lee Jordan: Good day my friends. Except you Ron Weasley, you’re my enemy until you pay me the 43 Galleons you owe me. I am River, and with me as always is my stalwart ally, Rapier.

George Weasley: A thrill to be here once more River.

Lee: So Rapier, any news for us today?

George: I do River, as is my occasional fancy. Firstly, the Fred Weasley memorial summer school of mischief, shenanigans and assorted tomfoolery will be opening this July. Affiliated with Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, this academy will teach the next generation of magical entrepreneurs and trickery fans.

Lee: I myself will be teaching ‘Fantastic Beasts and how to misuse them’, with everything from Niffler charming to Dragon wrangling.

George: Minister Shaklebolt, if you’re listening, no dragons will actually be wrangled. In other news, Oliver Wood, man most known for the blatant disregard for Harry Potter’s life, has been called up to play as England’s Keeper for their upcoming match against El Salvador. This is Wood’s debut match for England, and I for one hope he will not encourage his seeker to catch the snitch or die trying.

Lee: Incidentally, I, beloved River, will be commenting on this match for my first international match, so tune in Potter fans.

George: Maybe pray to whatever deity you worship that Minnie McG will not be there to tell you off. And finally, Harry James ‘No Mr Weasley, I have no intentions towards your daughter’ Potter will be honoured by the international confederation of wizards next Saturday. Potter will be named honorary Supreme Mugwump and Emeritus professor of Defence Against The Dark Arts for all schools under the Eurasian Educational Association.

Lee: Can confirm, he’s good at the occasional bit of defensive magic. And now we head over to our beloved magical creatures correspondent, Red.

Hagrid: Gents. Nice to see you.

Lee: Now Red, I hear two new magical creatures have been discovered.

Hagrid: Y’wouldn’t believe it lads, the magical community of the Solomon Islands found a new type o Fire Crab. Eight feet long they are and they got shells made o sapphires. Ol Newt Scamander wants to name em Fire Lobsters.

George: Great news Red. And the second.

Hagrid: and we got a new small dragon. O corse they been arguing about what’s a dragon what’s a Wyveryn for years, but this fellas small enough to fit in a hand. And not my hand neither, a small un.

Lee: So my hand? Asking for a friend.

Hagrid: Exactly. This is the currently named Weasley Fire Bastards, after Charlie O’course. It’s a small fella, but if we get Wyverns n Dragons split up could be big.

Lee: Not because Wyverns would be free from the ban on experimental breeding?

Hagrid: Oh would they?!

George: Thank you Red. And now finally it’s time for our finishing guest, Rewrite.

Horace Slughorn: Gentlemen gentlemen. Such a pleasure to join you. Mister River so nice to see you again. And Ho ho Mister Rapier. I’d heard stories but we had not the pleasure. Enchanté.

Lee: Now Rewrite, you of course taught Harry Potter, slayer of evil and seducer of sisters. How was he?

Slughorn: Oh Harry was a top notch student. An all time favourite. Possibly the one of the top ten best potioneers I taught. And I taught his mother, Snape and even old Belby, who invented the Wolfsbane potion. Such a lovely young man.

George: and Rewrite, as I understand it, you were one of the final duellists who faced Lord Volde-git. What was that like.

Slughorn: I’m not a combative wizard fellows, my expertise is potions and defence, but I like to think my magic buffed Shaklebolt and McGonnagal somewhat. I did similar when Albus fought Grindlewald you know.

Lee: And finally Rewrite, how do you feel about the fact you missed the chance to teach several of the England Quidditch team?

Slughorn: devastated my boy. Devastated. For the first time since the 1920s I’ve missed out on teaching a whole team. I met Mr Wood briefly at the battle, but we mostly spoke about Harry you know!

George: Thank you so much for joining us Rewrite. I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: Witches, Wizards and Squibs of all ages. My name is River, and you are listening to Potterwatch, Europe’s premier Harry Potter fan show and advocate for the prosecution of Hippogriff war crimes. With me as always is the most handsome British wizard since the mysterious disappearance of Gilderoy Lockhart, Rapier.

George Weasley: River my friend, a pleasure as always.

Lee: now Rapier, have we any news?

George: Golly gee do we River. Firstly, Ludo Batman, formerly known as Budo Lagman, has been drafted as commissioner of European non-league Quidditch nations. The EnlQn or Elqen, is a 12 member group that represents those nations who do not have a full Quidditch league, basically any nation with fewer than 1000 wizards. These include Estonia, Malta, Lichtenstein and Slovenia.

Lee: This seems like a good move for Budo/Ludo Rapier.

George: yes in theory, although let’s remember Monaco only has a wizarding population of 120, and is the home of legalised goblin gambling, which could be an issue.

Lee: Yes, given mister Lagman’s propensity for gambling, this could be an issue.

George: but we shall see. Next up, Hermione Grainger, the most annoying Gryffindor Prefect since Percy ‘Can’t stay long mother’ Weasley, has spent 8 days before the wizengamot, testifying as to the treatment of Muggleborns under the last regime.

Lee: Incidentally guys, Lord Voldemort is still super dead. You’ll be thrilled to hear.

George: Grainger spent two days talking about Muggleborns, and six about the plight of the non-wizarding members of the magical community.

Lee: As is her wont.

George: This went well until, on day eight, her witness, beloved human mountain Rubeus Hagrid , arrived with a giant, 14 House Elves, 5 Centaurs and a selection of Blast-Ended Skrewts. After the flames were doused and Elphias Doge was treated for being severely chewed, Miss Grainger was told to ‘stick on topic’, ‘chill out’ and ‘stop loosing points for Gryffindor’

Lee: love a skrewt, my favourite fire-crab hybrid species.

George: and finally, the Armando Dippit centre for magical research, based in Oxford, has had to be temporarily shut down, after the wand of Lord Voldemort, currently under observation by magical researchers, was seen to be up and moving of its own accord.

Lee: I would say that is disconcerting Rapier.

George. God yes River. It was later found to be a prank by wizarding students at Merlin college using an invisibility cloak, which as a war hero I say is in poor taste, and as a purveyor of jokes I find hilarious.

Lee: Thank you Rapier. And now we go to Roonil, our Harry Potter correspondent.

Harry Potter: a thrill to be here River.

Lee: so Roonil, how is the world of one time magical child Harry Potter.

Harry: Well River, Harry has been a busy fellow. Firstly, Potter has recently founded the Lily Potter foundation for Muggleborns, providing Muggleborns the chance to buy their books, wands and robes.

Lee: that is annoyingly noble of him. Any hot gossip?

Harry: of course River. Potter was also involved in a recent quest by the ministry to find Atlantis.

Lee: That seems like a flawed plan.

Harry: enormously River. After eating a kilo of Gillweed and swimming into the centre of the Atlantic Ocean, Potter was found washed up on the shore Tobago, talking about merpeople and holding a single bottle of Sleekeazys hair potion, upon which is family fortune was built.

Lee: So not a win for Potter?

Harry: I would say he embarrassed the great Fleamont Potter.

Lee: Than you Roonil. And now we introduce our last guest, Retrograde.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Hello people. I can do joined up writing.

Lee: Thank you for being with us Retrograde.

Lockhart: Is Retrograde my name? Splendid. I’m allowed a wand now!

George: is that wise Retrograde?

Lockhart: I can do Charms, look *swishing sound*

Lee: you have made my trousers turn magenta.

Lockhart: I like magenta.

George: That sounds on brand. So Retrograde, are you writing any books?

Lockhart: apparently I’ve written eleven. Isn’t that amazing!

Lee: yes Retrograde, now you were a teacher for a year, how was that.

Lockhart: Was I. How splendid. Couldn’t confirm I’m afraid, the old noggin isn’t what it was. But I can levitate things when the healers are around and take the safety off my wand. Isn’t that nice?

George: I feel like this is useless.

Lee: Agreed. Thank you so much for joining us Retrograde.

Lockhart: I can do my autograph now.

Lee: Thank you Retrograde. Incidentally, the first 20 people to write in will receive signed copies of the complete works of Gilderoy Lockhart.

George: useful in the winter as firefighters.

Lee: I’ve been River.

George: and I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: Good day my guys, gals, and beast/being/spirit pals. My name is River and I’m super thrilled to be speaking to you today. With me as always is arguably the most handsome wizard ever, Rapier.

George Weasley: Kind of you to say River, but as member 24601 of the Gilderoy Lockhart fan club, I must disagree.

Lee: A valid comment Rapier. Now friends, straight into then news because I’m so darn excited. I have just learnt noted handsome gentleman and 3 times ‘Witch Weekly most eligible pureblood’ winner George Weasley is engaged.

*off mic Arthur Weasley* George Fabian Weasley, if this is how you’re telling your mother, you won’t live to get married

George: That’s right River, astonishingly handsome joke magnate George Weasley is to be married to Montrose Magpies chaser, Angelina Johnson, after, I understand, telling his mother, but forgetting to tell his father in an understandable oversight based on legitimate fear of Molly Weasley.

Lee: This is probably the best news since Harry Potter led Umbridge into the forbidden forest.

George: didn’t he subsequently free Britain from Lord Voldemort?

Lee: Meh. In other news, Magi-anthropologists have discovered the diaries of Gilbert Gryffindor, younger brother of noted house founder Godric.

George: yes River. Gilbert Gryffindor was the third child of Ælfigu Ambrosius and Genisius Gryffindor, and arguably the biggest familial disappointment until Vernon Dursley found out his nephew had no interest in drills.

Lee: Gilbert’s main interests were Cheese-mongering and the life of St James, which are what his diaries mostly talk about. However, Gilbert does offer a few insights to the founding of Hogwarts.

George: according to Gilbert, Rowena Ravenclaw was ‘more interested in birds than conventional magic’, Helga Hufflepuff was ‘a half drunk elf fancier’ and Salazar Slytherin was ‘beloved by all, and adored by those without magic’. However, given Gilbert’s frequent references to enjoying ‘goblin wine by the amphora’ his judgement may be impaired.

Lee: Still Rapier, if nothing else, Gilbert’s way of making a Godrics hollow cheddar may be invaluable. And finally, the latest in the Mundungus Fletcher, MP for Hammersmith sage.

George: that’s correct River. Mundungus was spotted by his former campaign manager, Tabitha Riddle in the Blue Anchor Pub in Hammersmith. With some quick thinking, and probably a confundus charm, Fletcher convinced her he was his own twin, Marlboro Fletcher, and committed to running in his own by-election.

Lee: Merlin’s loose stool, why is Minister Shaklebolt allowing this.

George: My hypothesis River, blackmail.

Lee: Very valid. And that’s it for the news. We are now heading over to our muggle correspondent, Round Table. Hello Round Table.

Arthur Weasley: thrilled to be back chaps.

Lee: So, round Table, how our our non- magical brethren?

Arthur: you know what River, smashing. With the banishing of their last few dementors, the muggles are generally in a better place. Did you know they’ve been to the moon?

Lee: I had heard that.

Arthur: I missed it because of Voldemort had just started his reign of terror the first time. We haven’t even been to the moon! Well unless you count the finale of ‘Wandering with Werewolves’ but I always found that dubious.

George: thank you Round Table, anything else?

Arthur: I cannot stress this enough, the Moon. There’s people there you know?!

Lee: I’m sorry what?

Arthur: a race called the clangers. And a fellow called Wallace and his dog, Gromit. It’s crazy.

George: are you quite well Round Table?

Arthur: THE MOON! Gents, how did we miss this?

Lee: ok so we’ll move on from Round Table.

*off mic Arthur* ITS THE FUCKING MOON

George: that was intense. Anyway, we welcome back Roonil.

Harry Potter: pleasure to be back my friends. And may I say huge congratulations to George Weasley, ludicrously handsome man.

Lee: So Roonil, you’re our Harry Potter correspondent, how is the former enchanted infant and occasional chosen boy.

Harry: Well, after he discovered a secret way into Malfoy Manor, Potter has become a smidge more cautious. And also withdrawn his support for the rehabilitation of the Malfoy family.

George: this is a stance I support. And will Potter be an usher at Weasleys wedding.

Harry: if Mr Weasley is willing to ask, Potter would probably be in tears by how touched he is.

Lee: well it wasn’t going to be Percy ‘sea urchin the minister’ Weasley was it…wait guys, why are you crying. Stop hugging. This is so unprofessional.

Harry: I’m sorry River, I’m so happy.

Lee: you know what, Rabid, get in here.

Kreacher: What does the Jordan spawn want?

Lee: can you deal with these two?

Kreacher: the former twin will lose his thumbs for touching master.

*horrific sounds of Kreacher maiming George*

Lee: I regret everything. Well at least I’m still best man. Anyway Potterfans, we will be back soon. I’ve been River.

George: why are my thumbs gone? It’s all a blur.

Lee Jordan: Welcome ladies, gentlemen and elves of all ages, to Potterwatch, the only show on Wizarding radio that brings you the important news. And may I say, we are thrilled to announce our first ever valentines day spectacular. With me as always is the only man I’ve been to Madame Puddyfoots with, Rapier.

George Weasley: River you handsome devil, great to see you.

Lee: Now Rapier, as you know, last show we gave out Harry Potters mailing address. How’s that gone?

George: Well River, I can reveal that Potter received now fewer than 473 valentines cards from across the wizarding world, 83 individual love potions, and several newts.

Lee: Why newts?

George: not sure River, but none of the love potions were purchased from our shows sponsor, Wesley’s Wizard Wheezes. However it wasn’t all fun and games.

Lee: A dark twist perchance?

George: You know it River. Firstly, Buckbeak was sent several live rats from Hippogriff breeders, which are not loose in the Potter residence. However, because of the slight recklessness of putting Harry Potters address on air, he was attacked by missing Death Eater Selwyn whist popping to the corner shop to purchase some biscuits.

Lee: In hindsight, not our smartest idea.

George: Selwyn was overpowered by Potter, who transfigured his shoes into honey badgers, and is now in custody. So a happy ending really.

Lee: Love prevails after all. Now, it has been reported that the Three Broomsticks has had to cancel its traditional Valentines Day party due to an outbreak of Redcaps that had managed to get into Madame Rosmerta’s mead supply.

George: So we’ve conveniently rearranged for it to take place later today at the Hogs Head. We’ve chosen to to inform Aberforth Dumbledore about this, so enjoy that Ab.

Lee: Dumbledores famously love love, so I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.

George: In other, non-valentines news, Mundungus Fletcher is no longer Member of Parliament for Hammersmith. He has faked his death in a hovercraft accident off the coast of Gurnsey for the benefit of the muggle press. I only know this because I ran into him trying to rob Weasleys Wizard Wheezes last night.

Lee: See that also feels illegal, why is Dung like this?

George: Not entirely sure River, but this is going to cause a few issues down the road I suspect.

Lee: And now, we’d like to welcome the first of tonight’s guests. Please give it up for Runes.

Hermione Grainger: Pleased to be hear River, I was a huge fan during the Voldemort era.

Lee: Now Runes, you’ve been linked to some of the greatest names of our day, including Viktor ‘Bulgarian Babe’ Krum, Harry ‘hide your sister’ Potter, Ronald ‘is our King’ Weasley and Draco ‘Daddy’s boy’ Malfoy. Are any of these true?

Hermione: Hell Yes, No, Yes, In his dreams.

George: Very emphatic there on Krum. Now Runes, what would your ideal valentines date be?

Hermione: Probably going to Florish and Blotts and picking out books to read together, followed by a trip to Florian Fortesques, and a long walk along the Thames.

George: That sounds beautiful.

Lee: What about your Rapier.

George: don’t know, probably blowing something up together.

Hermione: honestly, you boys have the emotional depth of a puddle.

Lee: Now Runes, I hear you’ve been turning your hand at writing, is that true?

Hermione: It is indeed River. I’m currently writing two non-fiction books and a novel.

George: Honestly, only you would write three books simultaneously. So what are they called?

Hermione: Firstly, I’m writing ‘Elf and lack of safety’, a look at the horrific treatment of House Elves through time. The proceeds of this will go to SPEW.

George: That’s not going to fly off the shelves.

Hermione: *sniffing in a dignified manner* I’m also writing a study of the rise and fall of Lord Voldemort called ‘The Riddle of Darkness: The Two magical wars and Lord Voldemorts fall’. It uses a lot of Albus Dumbledores own research.

Lee: Now that does sound good. And the novel?

Hermione: It’s called ‘Seeking a Seeker’, a romantic novel about a bookish young girl who falls in love with a quidditch star.

Lee: This wouldn’t be autobiographical would it Runes?

Hermione: No comment.

Lee: Thank you Runes. And now onto our second guest. It has been a long time, but we’d like to welcome back an original Potterwatch contributor, he’s your friend and mine, Royal.

Kingsley Shaklebolt: It’s a please to be back River.

Lee: Royal, along with myself, Rapier, and the late, great Romulus, you were one of the Potterwatch OGs. How does that make you feel.

Kingsley: Well River, to quote my old friend Albus Dumbledore, Light can be found even in the darkest of times. I hope we showed people hope during the dark times.

George: Now Royal, you’re a handsome man, any love on the cards for you?

Kingsley: Sadly I’ve been too busy for romance since the war ended. I’m happy to see the next generation of witches and wizards finding love however.

Lee: Royal, we can exclusively reveal you were the fifth member of the dorm that included the now world famous marauders. What was that like?

Kingsley: Honestly River, deeply stressful. If you’d ask me to bet on what they’d become, I would not have said three war heroes and a treacherous rat.

Lee: We’re you aware that Remus Lupin was a Werewolf?

Kingsley: I worked it out when we were in fourth year. I wasn’t too concerned, Lupin was a great man who couldn’t help his condition, and was a very funny man.

George: and what was it like living with James Potter and Sirius Black?

Kingsley: Oh my God those two. They wouldn’t shut up. Day before our Herbology OWL, Lupin and I had to charm them to be quiet at 4 in the morning. They’d been loudly planning at set a Venomous Tentacular on Severus Snape.

Lee: that sounds on brand. And did you ever engage in their pranks?

Kingsley: Well I’m still terrified of Professor McGonnagall, but I can reveal I took part in a few classics. Aragog’s birthday party was my idea, where we snuck into the forbidden forest to throw Aragog the Acromantula a birthday party. It was going well until we tried to put a party hat on him.

George: Love that. Top notch idea.

Kingsley: and it was Lupin and I who bewitched Snape so he could only speak in musical numbers.

Lee: ooh we tried that with Warrington, remember Rapier. Couldn’t quite get it right. Turned him into a Macaw.

Kingsley: I’ll explain off air.

Lee: You’re a great man Royal. Last question, what do you think Harry Potters greatest achievement is?

Kingsley: Probably his snitch capture in his debut match against Slytherin.

George: Not defeating Lord Voldemort?

Kingsley: That’s top five maybe.

Lee: And lowest moment?

Kingsley: His date with Cho Chang. We all heard about that in the Order. Hilarious broom crash of a date.

George: We’ve had that a few times, what a disaster that boy is.

Lee: Thank you so much for joining us Royal. That’s our show Ladies and Gentlemen. I’ve been River.

George: and I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: What is good my dudes and dudettes. My name is River and you’re listening to Potterwatch, Planet Earths number one radio show for all things relating to Harry ‘Molly Weasleys favourite child’ Potter. With me as always is my partner in crime Rapier.

George Weasley: Greetings chums.

Lee: How are you old bean?

George: Simply smashing my friend. Now we will shortly be joined by our Quidditch correspondents, Red-Hot and Rowan, but first, with valentines around the corner, I will be revealing live on air Harry Potters mailing address, so you, dear listeners, can flood him with mail. That’s 12, Grimmuld Place, London, SW5 9RD if you use muggle postcodes.

Lee: I’m sure Potter will love that. And now, over to Red-Hot, and our new correspondent, Rowan.

Angelina Johnson: Great to be back lads.

Oliver Wood: Nice to be here gents.

Lee: So Rowan, you have been keeping an eye on all things Quidditch for us.

Wood: That’s right lads. My role has taken me across Britain, looking for top Quidditch to feed back on. And let me tell you, the 3v3 match I watched in the garden of Madam Longbottom between Neville Longbottom and Weasley duo Ron and Ginny vs Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood and George Weasley was a heck of a game. Whilst Longbottom struggled to do much more than flail wildly, and Lovegood spent much of the match looking at interesting foliage, the Weasley/Potter Quartet were dynamite.

Lee: What was the final score Rowan?

Wood: sadly I missed the end, as I was forcibly ejected from the Flutterby bush I was hiding in by Madam Longbottom. My attempts to report on the quality of the Hogwarts Quidditch scene have also resulted in Minerva McGonnagall issuing a ban from the premises for the remainder of the school year.

George: Why is that Rowan?

Wood: I merely endeavoured to show Gryffindor beater Jack Sloper good bat technique.

Angelina: This was during the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff match, and Hooch had told you already to get off the pitch after you tried to hex Zacharias Smith.

Wood: Unrelated incidents I assure you.

Angelina: Meanwhile, I watched a recent friendly between Wales and Gabon. The match was a debut for Welsh keeper Daffyd Llewelyn, and Gabonese seeker Alexandere Ngondet. Llewelyn made a series of tricky saves, stopping Gabonese captain Jean M’ba scoring on fourteen separate occasions. Meanwhile Valmai Morgan and Eduardo Sanchez of Wales racked up 12 goals, with Lancelot Lloyd-George doing some excellent support play. The score was 120-40 at before, in a neck and neck race, M’ba managed to grab the snitch from under the Welsh seekers nose. Heck of a game chaps.

Lee: Thank you so much, Rowan and Red-Hot. And now, Rapier, the news.

George: Thanks River. Big news in the world of Law Enforcement, as once again, repeat offender Harry Potter is on trial for breaking the statute of secrecy.

Lee: Absolute scenes Rapier.

George: Potter was accused of using the Paronus charm, in full view of muggles, in the small town Ambleside in the Lake District. Potter alleges several dementors had been preying on the people of the town.

Lee: Not this again. He got off last time, in a huge miscarriage of justice.

George: Lock him up I say. When approached for comment, minister Shacklebolt said ‘I wish Harry Potter would just stop for a bit, so I could have some peace, and stop taking sleeping draughts’.

Lee: Typical Potter behaviour. No consideration for our hard working public servants.

George: Horrible boy. His uncle was right to lock him in a cupboard. In other news, Cornelius Fudge, former minister for magic, has been tapped to serve as Britains representative on the International Confederation of Wizards. This has raised some eyebrows, as Fudge was responsible for ignoring the rise of Voldemort.

Lee: Bit of a rogue choice. Just saying, I’m free, and could probably have done a better job.

George: I’d vote for you. Fudge has served as special advisor to Minister Shacklebolt since the end of the Voldemort era, and, despite being useless, has at least not been much of a bother lately. And finally, in a shock move, Mundungus Fletcher has been elected a member of the Muggle Parliament, in the recent Hammersmith by-election, replacing Herbert Chorley.

Lee: This feels illegal. Is it illegal?

George: It’s certainly unusual. No magical person has held muggle political office since 1945, but we wish the people of Hammersmith well.

Lee: and now, we’d like to welcome back to the show, Rabid.

Bill Weasley: I am so tired. Why did I agree to this.

Lee: Rabid, you’ve recently had a child, is that correct?

Bill: Yes? I haven’t slept in 2 days.

George: Can confirm mate, you have.

Bill: I don’t remember my younger siblings crying this much. Maybe it’s because she’s half French.

Lee: So how’s fatherhood treating you?

Bill: I love the wee un, but they’re part Veela so they’ve got powerful magic. Should babies be able to levitate stuff?

George: Didn’t Percy transfigure his Teddy Bear into a briefcase at like 10 months.

Bill: Sounds like something he’d do. Anyway, yes babies good, sleep also good.

Lee: I feel you’re loosing coherence there rabid.

Bill: Wait, what time is it?

George: about seven.

Bill: oh balls I was meant to pick her up from mums an hour ago.

*sound of Bill disapperating*

Lee: Have we ever actually finished an interview?

George: I fear not. Anyway folks. I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: Good evening Potterheads, Tis I, River, your charming host, welcoming you to this episode of Potterwatch, runner up in the 1998 ‘Witch Weekly Radio Show of the Year’. With me as always is my beloved associate, Rapier.

George Weasley: I would like to say, we were robbed of that title. There is no way Gladys Gudgeon’s radio play of ‘Voyages with Vampires’ should have won.

Lee: It’s what Lockhart would have wanted.

George: Most certainly is River. Now folks, to the news. Firstly, I can reveal exclusively on Potterwatch, Harry Potters OWL results, which I found stuffed down the back of my parents sofa.

Lee: Although this is normally privileged information, as Harry Potter is super famous, he can do one.

George: Shocking nobody, an O in DADA. That’s nice for him, even if he only does know one spell. Expelli-learn something new, am I right.

Lee: E’s in potions, transfiguration and charms.

George: Minnie McGonnagall must have been so proud.

Lee: The man got a P in divination. Makes sense, given how naturally oblivious he is.

George: How do you get a D in History of Magic Potter? Nine times out of ten the answer is Goblins. You thick plank.

Lee: A in Astronomy too, not bad. And an E is Care of Magical Creatures.

George: I bet it was all about Hippogriffs.

Lee: There you have it folks. Not bad at all from Potter.

George: Given all I have is an E in DADA and charms and an A in transfiguration, I call that rather good.

Lee: Next up, I am pleased to report three new nominees to the Wizengamot, Arthur Weasley, Minerva ‘have a biscuit Potter’ McGonagall, and Horace Slughorn, eight time winner of ‘Witch Weekly’s most luxurious facial hair award’.

George: Weasley is reported to have responded with a series of surprised curses words, whilst his wife baked a large cake in the shape of a courtroom.

Lee: Meanwhile, Minister Shacklebolt has named Elphias Doge as interim-Chief Warlock, and bestowed Filius Flitwick with the title of Grand Sorcerer.

George: Flitwick, when asked for comment, started crying, and turned my socks into capybaras.

Lee: and finally, Ludo Bagman, former England Beater and head of the department of magical games and sports, has come out of hiding.

George: Bagman initially spent a year hiding in a magically enlarged broom cupboard outside the Ludicrous Patents office, but was found by Amos Diggery, who he tricked by pretending to be a very handsome troll called Batiki.

Lee: Bagman has since been serving as the bartender at the Wimbourne Wasps clubhouse. His disguise consisted of growing a huge moustache, and changing his name to Budo Lagman.

George: His debts to the Goblin gambling consortium were mysteriously paid off. On an unrelated note, Harry Potter and George Weasley have received lifetime tickets to all Quidditch World Cup matches.

Lee: I wish Budo all the best in his future endeavours. Now, I’d like to welcome back our guest, top contributor, Roonil.

Harry Potter: Great to be back River, and I’d just like to say, in Harry Potters defence, it’s difficult to do a History of Magic exam whilst Voldemort is actively trying to invade your brain.

Lee: and the divination?

Harry: He’s just crap at that.

George: Valid. Now Roonil, can you tell us what has Harry Potter been up to since you were last in the show.

Harry: Well Rapier, it’s been a busy time in the Potter household.

George: To clarify, the Potter Household consists of a magic boy in glasses, a murderous hippogriff, and a racist elf?

Harry: That is correct. As many of you know, Harry Potter has inherited the home of former grunge enthusiast and felon, Sirius Black.

Lee: A dingier home you cannot imagine.

Harry: Potter has discovered a hidden vault, under the Black home, that holds several dark artefacts, House Elf skeletons and, rather surprisingly, a functioning vanishing cabinet.

George: And where did said vanishing lead.

Harry: Rather surprisingly for all involved, especially Potter, Lucius Malfoy’s bedroom.

Lee: you mean to say…?

Harry: Potter accidentally walked in on Malfoy getting into his jammies one Tuesday evening. I can exclusively confirm two things. Malfoy has snakes embroidered on his night wear, and his Dark Mark isn’t where you’d think it is.

George: Horrific imagery Roonil. Now we’d like to welcome on our second guest, Regicide.

Lucius Malfoy: This whole thing is beneath me but apparently it counts as community service.

Harry: I absolutely hate you guys.

Malfoy: Whilst I’m loathe to agree, this is a ridiculous endeavour.

Lee: So Regicide, you had Harry Potter materialise in your bedroom one day. How did that make you feel?

Malfoy: Typical arrogance for which Potter is famed. While he may be the Chosen boy, it gives him to right to commit felonies left right and centre.

George: You mean you will be pressing charges against Potter.

Malfoy: Vigorously. Potter may have defeated one dark wizard, but the long arm of magical justice cannot go unpunished.

Harry: Hang on you platinum blonde prick, I’m the only reason you and your wife aren’t in Azkaban. And I got you twat of a son back into Hogwarts.

Malfoy: I will not be insulted by you boy. Also, you owe me a house elf.

Harry: Your deranged sister-in-law killed your elf you snake loving cock-womble.

(Devolves into what is quite clearly a fist fight between Harry and Lucius off mic)

Lee: Just once I’d like a show without any violence

(Sounds of Harry Potter kneeing Lucius Malfoy in the crotch)

George: Well that about wraps up our show. Thank you to our guests, and you dear listeners.

Lee: I’ve been River.

George: I’d I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: Good day wizarding world, and welcome to Potterwatch, the Harry Potter fan show voted ‘most obnoxious’ by Ginny Weasley for the second year in the row. My name is River, and with me as always is my lovable scallywag of a cohost, Rapier.

George Weasley: Good morrow fair River.

Lee: a pleasure to see you Rapier. Do we have some news today.

George: Boy howdy do we River. First, we go live to our man in the field, and famed Dolores Umbridge hater, Roonil.

Harry Potter: What up my dudes.

George: Roonil, I hear you have some breaking news for us.

Harry: That’s right Rapier. I’m outside the home of world renowned handsome man, Bill Weasley, trying to gain an interview with the newest addition to the Weasley clan, Victoire.

Bill Weasley: Oi Potter, either feed that baby or bog off.

Harry: Miss Weasley, before I give you your bottle, do you have anything to say to the listeners at home?

Victoire Weasley: Mik.

Harry: No, no milk until you talk to the listeners.

Victoire: MIK

Bill: Oh god she’s doing that weird Veela thing. Give her the milk Harry!

Harry: I don’t know how babies work! Kreacher, come and feed this baby!

Kreacher: Kreacher will not touch the half breed blood traitor.

Harry: Now isn’t really the time for your rubbish Kreacher. Here Victoire, look at the nice toy owl. Oh god why does she have fangs. Did she have teeth when I arrived…she’s mauling me..Kreacher, help.

George: Hello, Roonil? You still there.

Lee: Well that was a disaster. Why are there so many maulings on this show.

George: No idea. Anyway back to news. As the millennium approaches, Minister Shacklebolt has announced measures to ensure the upmost secrecy for wizard celebrations. These include the use of the Quidditch World Cup stadium as an official party venue. Fireworks supplied by Weasleys Wizard Wheezes.

Lee: Nice Plug.

George: Cheers. And finally from news. Ronald B Weasley, professional sidekick and unprofessional ginger, assisted in the capture of a death eater today in Andorra. The identity of said death eater is unknown, but is believed to be Antonin Dolohov.

Lee: Not a fan of Dolohov. He tried to curse me like three times.

George: What a git. Ron Weasley was engaged in a duel on the slopes of an Andorran mountain alongside several representatives from the Spanish ministry. It is believed Dolohov chose to hide in Andorra due to the tiny wizarding population, and was only found by Weasley when he accidentally skied into him.

Lee: I didn’t know Ron could ski.

George: He can’t. Hence he skied into Dolohov. After a duel of over an hour, it is reported Weasley swore loudly, tripped over a rock and managed to curse Dolohov while the Death Eater was laughing.

Lee: Truly he deserves his order of Merlin. Such bravery. Thank you Rapier. And now we have a special guest. Please join me in welcoming Robespierre.

Fleur Delacour: Salut mes amis. I am worried now that Harry, pardon, Roonil is being hurt my…a bay.

Lee: No worries Robespierre, Roonil has survived more vicious maulings than that.

Fleur: That is not helping.

Lee: So Robespierre, you know Harry Potter very well. Is he as dreamy as everyone say?

Fleur: Harry is a nice young man, mais he is not really my type. Ma soeur, Gabrielle, now she is a big fan of Harry’s. She has threatened to duel miss weasley for his heart, but I am not thinking this is a good idea. It would be making Christmas dinner tres difficult at the Weasley house.

Lee: Potter to date a Veela? You heard it first hear folks. Sensational news.

Fleur: Merde.

Lee: Now Robespierre, since moving to the UK, you have gotten married, fought in a major war, and learnt how to knit. Which achievement are you most proud of.

Fleur: oh the knitting. In France we defeat dark wizards, how you say, on the reg.

Lee: Are there many dark wizards in France? I can’t think of one off the top of my head.

Fleur: No, because we do our jobs en France. We defeat ze evil wizards before they get too powerful. Not like en Angleterre where you let Voldemort rise. Is silly.

Lee: Didn’t one of Grindlewald’s top lieutenants come from France? And he recruited his first army in Paris?

Fleur: No I do not think this is true.

George: I’m pretty sure he’s right. What was her name. Raisin, Rosé, Rosia. I wish I’d listened in history of magic.

Fleur: Non non you are mistaken.

Lee: Rosier. That was it.

Fleur: oh yes her. Well zis was fun. Aurevoir.

Lee: Thank you Robespierre. Well Witches and Wizards, this was excellent as always. I was magnificent.

George: As was I. Next episode the password will be ‘Sock’ in honour of Dobby the Great, true king of the house elves, breaker of chains, whooper of ass. I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: Good Evening wizarding world, and welcome to Potterwatch, Britains premier Harry Potter appreciation show. My name is River, and with me as always is beloved man, my frequently maimed co-host, Rapier.

George Weasley: You say Britain’s premier show, like there’s some git in Laos who loves Harry Potter even more than us.

Lee: I refuse to rule out that possibility. What news do you have for us today Rapier.

George: Actually River, breaking news. We go live to our correspondent in the field, Roonil. Hello Roonil.

Harry Potter: Hello Rapier. I stand outsider Borgin and Burke’s in Knockturn ally, where a serious raid, led by legendary cool dude Arthur Weasley of the misuse of Muggle Artifacts office, has just taken place.

George: I hear that Weasley has many handsome sons.

Harry: Very true Rapier. 10/10 would snog Bill. Ah here comes Mr Weasley now. Mr Weasley, do you have a few minutes to talk to Potterwatch?

Arthur Weasley: We’ll of course.

Harry: What’s been happening here sir?

Arthur: Well…(under his breath) Harry what’s your radio code name?

Harry: Roonil.

Arthur: Well Roonil, in my studies of Muggle artefacts, I recently discovered several Muggle toys that had been cursed, causing Muggle children to attempt to resurrect He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named through blood sacrifice.

Harry: How awful. Was it success Mr Weasley?

Arthur: Luckily no. The cursed toys were actually toys for babies, which only resulted is several particularly vicious infants. As babies are, generally speaking, rubbish at murder, there was very little issue. Some toddlers did manage to break into the ministry of magic, but that was only an isolated incident that happened seven or eight times.

Harry: And you tracked these cursed toys to Borgin and Burke’s?

Arthur: I did indeed Roonil. Turns out they had been created prior to the most recent rise of you know who, and stored at the shop.

Harry: Amazing, thank you Mr Weasley. Back to you Rapier.

George: Thank you Roonil. How many babies do you think you could beat in a fight River? No magic, hand to hand only.

River: Babies are very puntable. I’d say at least 60 before fatigue wears in.

George: We ask the important questions here on potter watch.

Lee: And speaking of babies, do we have any news concerning world renowned former infant Harry Potter?

George: We do River. Potter has returned his Order of Merlin 1st Class to the ministry, saying he doesn’t think he’s earned it.

Lee: Didn’t he kill Voldemort.

George: Yeah but I could’ve done that. Potter accepted a 3rd Class OM instead from Minister Shacklebolt, and said he would like to ‘earn his way back to 1st’. I personally will be keeping mine, as it’s a good way to pick up chicks.

Lee: How come you got 1st? I only got 2nd!

George: I dunno, my dashing good looks?

Lee: I will be having words with the minister over this gross oversight. And now we have a special guest in the studio. Please put your hands together for a very very special guest, Runespoor.

Newt Scamander: a pleasure to be on the show Mr River.

Lee: Now Runespoor, you are very familiar with many of the magical creatures that inhabit our world. Firstly, could you please tell me, which one is your favourite?

Newt: Well River, I am fond of them all. Each magical creature has something to commend it. I suppose I’m partial to a Niffler. Those cheeky chaps are simply delightful.

Lee: I myself own several, so you’re in good company. Now Runespoor, could you tell us a bit about what you did during the fight against Voldemort.

Newt: Well I don’t like to show off, but I’d already helped bring down a dark wizard, so I was planning on staying out of it, and using what I know to protect muggles and creatures. However a ghastly man named McNair tried to recruit me. After I transfigured him into a penguin, I fled with my wife, and we set up, I suppose you could call it an Underground Railroad.

Lee: What did that involve?

Newt: I helped ferry muggleborns to safety abroad. Mostly to Africa, where Voldemort’s evil hadn’t spread. I also acted on some orders Dumbledore had left me, convincing powerful and intelligent magical creatures to band against Voldemort, or stay neutral. I didn’t fight in the battle of Hogwarts, my knees aren’t up to it you see, but I supplied that nice Charlie Weasley with some of my ideas. And my grandson Rolf was there. He stopped an acromantula from eating a Miss Luna Lovegood.

Lee: Amazing Runespoor. We just have time for a few questions from our listeners.

George: Runespoor, this is from Doris Purkiss. ‘How do I convince my pet Chizpurfle, Stanley, to stop eating my muggle neighbours electric cables’

Newt: Well Doris, I suggest you feed Stanley the left overs of any potions you have, or else go to a muggle shop and by what they call ‘Bat-arries’

George: Thank you Runespoor. A quick one from a Mr H. Potter. ‘Help my Hippogriff is an arse who keeps mauling my friends’

Newt: Mr Potter, that’s just Hippogriff’s being Hippogriff’s. Your friends probably failed to respect them properly. I can send you a copy of ‘Hippogriffs: Why they rock and how to help them’ by Barnaby Lee.

George: Thanks Runespoor. And finally, Charlie Weasley (age 26) asks ‘what is your favourite Dragon. Mine is a Hebridean Black’

Newt: Oh Charlie, a very good question. I love all dragons, though I am fond of the Peruvian vipertooth. However I think my favourite for nostalgia reasons is the Ukrainian Ironbelly.

Lee: Thank you so much Runespoor. It has been a pleasure. That’s our show ladies and gents. I’ve been River.

George: and I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: Good evening to all my Harry Potter lovers out there. My name is River, your beloved host, and with me, as always, is your friend and mine, Rapier.

George Weasley: Howdie Doodie River.

Lee: and a howdie doodie to you too Rapier. Do you have any news for us today?

George: Golly Gee do I River. Firstly, as mentioned last week, dashingly handsome joke shop owner George Weasley and his plucky sidekick Lee Jordan were to be tried after ‘The Chimera incident’.

Lee: Plucky sidekick?

George: You heard me River. Jordan and Weasley were both fined 500 Galleons, but let off jail time due to their status as war hero’s.

Lee: That and the fact Azkaban is full of Death Eaters out to get them.

George: That too. When asked for comment, Weasley said ‘Honestly I’m surprised it took you this long. My mother thought I’d be in Azkaban long before’

Lee: Classic Weasley.

George: Now, Our Headline today concerns the one, the only lightning headed, dark wizard slaying, Ginny Weasley snogging, snitch catching legend himself, Harry Potter.

Lee: Yay!

George: Last week, stashed behind a pile of broken cauldrons in storeroom #17 at Hogwarts, was found the last will and testament of a Mr Dobby T. House-Elf.

Lee: Man I loved that little scamp.

George: We all did River. Dobby was, as many know, the first free elf, and one of the only ones with property of his own. In his will he left the following items:

To Ron Weezy, 17 bobblehats.

To Hermy One Grainger, a collection of cool rocks.

To Hogwarts school, a portrait he painted of Harry Potter

Lee: I am willing to buy that off Hogwarts.

George: understandable. And lastly, all his remaining possessions to Harry Potter.

Lee: What did Harry get Rapier?

George: Well River, my source, none other than our friend and field reporter Roonil, told me Harry Potter got 71 Galleons, 723 individual socks, a wide variety of jumpers, hats, shorts and scarves, his own sock from his second year at Hogwarts, which had been framed alongside a picture of him and Dobby, and a genuinely surprising number of bed sheets with the Malloy coat of arms on them.

Lee: interesting. Did Dobby take those when he left employed with the Malfoys?

George: I reached out to Draco Malfoy to ask him just that River.

Lee: What did he say?

George: well to begin, he said various words that can’t be broadcast on the air.

Lee: Oh dear naughty Draco.

George: He later revealed that several years ago, all their bed linen had indeed vanished. The Malfoy family peacocks we’re initially blamed, but failed to confess, on account of being Peacocks.

Lee: Well I wish Harry Potter all the best. I imagine even now, he is cuddled up in Draco Malfoys jammies.

George: A disturbing imagine. Our last story tonight. Noted weirdo and muggle fan, Arthur Weasley has been promoted to head the newly created Department of Muggle Affairs. Minister Shacklebolt created this department, which absorbs several muggle related offices across the ministry, to better understand and relate to our non magical neighbours.

Lee: Man that Kingsley is as smart as he is dashing.

George: Too true. Weasley’s new role will include meeting muggle politicians, writing muggle protection laws, and, knowing him, creating some sort of moped that also works underwater.

Lee: I wish Mr Weasley all the best. Please try not to break your own laws. And now, our guest this week. Returning once again, it’s Roonil.

Harry Potter: A pleasure to be here boys.

Lee: So Roonil. As we have said, you are very close to Harry Potter. Tell us, now that the chosen boy is no longer destined to save us all, what’s next for him?

Harry: Well Rapier, I believe Harry Potter was planning on writing a book about the 1798 Sasquatch revolt in America.

Lee: Bollocks.

Harry: Yes River. Indeed, it’s bollocks. No I think Harry will do what he’s best at. Fight evil wizards. There’s still loads of death eaters out there.

George: Where do you stand on the belief shared by many, especially Rita Skeeter, that Harry Potter is in fact, a rubbish wizard who can do 2, maybe 3 spells.

Harry: I’d say to them ‘oh have you ever killed a noseless despot with the disarming spell’

Lee: I suspect Harry Potter is indeed the only person that has ever happened to.

Harry: Exactly River. He’s 2 for 2 on beating dark lords who also don’t have noses using non-lethal magic.

George: Very true. Now Roonil, I was told that you had a very special guest for us.

Harry: Indeed I do Rapier. May I introduce, Buckbeak.

Lee: Good evening Buckbeak.

Buckbeak: incoherent hippogriff sounds.

Lee: Now Mr. Beak, in the past, I have expressed the view that you should be tried for helping convicted felon Sirius Black escape justice. Your thoughts?

Buckbeak: Horrific screeching.

George: an interesting point. Now Buck. May I call you Buck?

Buckbeak: swallows a mouse whole.

George: very good. Now Buck, you lived for a time on the run with Black, including in Jamaica for a good while. Was there any romance?

Buckbeak: Birdlike click.

Harry: I don’t speak Hippogriff, but I think that’s a yes.

Lee: Truly wonderful. I’m happy for you.

Buckbeak: more incoherent Hippogriff noises.

George: Lastly Buck, where do you stand on the ‘Harry Potter is a terrible wizard debate’

Buckbeak: Angry Hippogriff noises.

Harry: Oh dear, calm down Beaky.

Buckbeak: Attempts to maul George in Hippogriff.

George: Oh god my other ear, he’s eating my remaining ear.

Harry: No bad Beaky. Hagrid, come and help.

Buckbeak: Begins to digest Georges last ear.

Lee: We’ll I think we will finish there. I’ve been River.

George: Oh Merlin why does god hate my ears.

Lee: That was Rapier. Next weeks password will be Hippogriff.

Buckbeak: Happy Hippogriff noises.

Angelina Johnson: Hello wizarding world. My name is Red-Hot, and you are welcome to this very special ladies night edition of Potterwatch. I am joined today by my lovely co-host, Ridgeback.

Alicia Spinnet: Pleasure to be here Red-Hot.

Angelina: We’re hosting today because River and Rapier are appearing before the Wizengamot today for breaching the international statute of secrecy, among 361 other charges.

Alicia: That’s right Red-Hot. Which brings us on to today’s news. Beloved joke manufacturer George Weasley, and noted entertainer and Griffyndor quidditch team fan Lee Jordan, are currently appearing before the highest court in the land for a variety of crimes.

Angelina: Weasley alleges that his ‘pocket chimera’ product, a miniaturised chimera toy, is not in fact dangerous.

Alicia: This comes after the charms on the product malfunctioned, and no fewer than 12 chimeras grew to gigantic size and terrorised muggles across the country, including members of the royal family.

Angelina: Although it is traditional for the Queen to be informed of the existence of magic, and in fact 2 of Queen Victoria’s daughters attended hogwarts (Hufflepuff 1859-1866 and Ravenclaw 1868-1875), it is unusual, although not unheard of, for a chimera to lay seige to Buckingham Palace.

Alicia: Yes, we all remember the time George III fought off the Chimera of Camden with nothing but a cheese sandwich and a sword allegedly created by Merlin.

Angelina: Weasley now faces hundreds of charges, several of which relate to his other products.

Alicia: Jordan faces several charges, after hijacking a BBC radio 3 broadcast to report on the event. He claims he was trying to warm muggles of the danger, but his repeated use of the phrase ‘this is the f*****g funniest thing I’ve ever seen begs to differ.

Angelina: Any other news Ridgeback?

Alicia: Indeed Red-Hot. Molly Weasley, noted knitter, has been awarded an order of Merlin, 2nd class, for her role in keeping Harry Potter alive and well nourished, and thus indirectly saving the wizarding world. This is on top of the Order of Godric she recieved.

Angelina: The order of Godric dear listeners, is the new honour created by minister Shacklebolt for those Griffindors who fought you know who during either wizarding wars. Counterparts for each of the houses have also been released.

Alicia: A well deserved honour for Mrs Weasley. And finally, the WDSS, or Wizards of Differing Sexualites Society, which offers support for LGBTQ+ members of the wizarding world, has revealed that its founders, kept anonymous for many years, were none other than Albus Dumbledore and Sirius Black.

Angelina: I didn’t know Sirius Black was gay?

Alicia: He wasn’t, but according to the WDSS spokesperson, Sarah Cohen-Musa, Mr Black’s personal papers regarding the founding stated that he helped create the group ‘because his mother was an ardent homophobe and it would annoy her. Also everybody, regardless of gender, orientation, race or blood status should be treated equally. Except Severus Snape’. Albus Dumbledore wished to remain anonymous because he didn’t want the organisation to be damaged by association with him.

Angelina: Fasinating stuff Ridgeback. And now, we are joined by a very special guest, arguably the one of the greatest witches of the 20th Century, Rothesay.

Professor McGonnagal: Good evening girls, lovely to be here.

Angelina: Now Rothesay, you have worked at Hogwarts for many years, and served as deputy during the tenure of Albus Dumbledore. What is the most memorable event during your tenure?

McGonnagal: The Weasley swamp was probably one of most amusing and imaginative uses of magic I have ever seen. There was also the time I caught James Potter and Sirius Black attempting to smuggle a baby Swedish Shortsnout into the Slytherin common room as a ‘gift’ for Severus Snape. The dragon got loose, and spend 8 weeks living in the Astronomy Tower, where it acquired a fairly sizeable horde of trinkets, aided by Peeves, unsurprisingly.

Alicia: Whatever happened to the dragon?

McGonnagal: Despite the objections of Hagrid, who wished to keep it as a pet, the dragon, referred to by James as ‘Remus Lupin Jr’ was eventually rehoused with the help of Newt Scamander to its native Sweden. It later returned to Hogwarts for the Triwizard Tournament.

Angelina: Is that true?

McGonnagal: yes, all four dragons had previously been to Hogwarts, as it helped them acclimatise. The Welsh Green was also a James Potter prank.

Alicia: Amazing Rothesay. You have been a teacher at Hogwarts a long time. Who, if anyone, was your favourite student?

McGonnagal: Obviously I have no favourites, although I am somewhat partial to Gryffindor students. A personal bias.

Angelina: ok then Rothesay, how about most frustrating students?

McGonnagal: James Potter, Sirius Black, George Weasley, Fred Weasley, Lee Jordan, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Oliver Wood.

(Background sound of Harry Potter swearing loudly)

Angelina: You said that very quickly Rothesay.

McGonnagal: Ladies, you don’t understand the frustration of Oliver Wood camping outside your office in a Puddlemere United tent for 13 days due to quidditch being cancelled.

Alicia: That sounds very on brand.

Angelina: Finally Rothesay, what is your proudest moment as a teacher?

McGonnagal: The day Harry Potter returned to Hogwarts during the reign of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Followed closely by beating Slytherin in Quidditch.

Angelina: Thank you Rothesay. Potterwatch will return soon, where the password will be Quidditch. Until then, I’ve been Red-Hot.

Lee Jordan: Greetings Potterfans, River here, and welcome to another action packed episode of Potterwatch. Today, with me as always, is my cohost and partner in crime, Rapier.

George Weasley: A pleasure to be back River. I would just like to make it clear, no crimes were commuted in the creation of this show. Any that we did commit were purely accidental.

Lee: Except setting a murderous House Elf on Rita Skeeter, that was intentional.

George: And we were acquitted by the wizengamot due to lack of evidence. That and the minister of magic said, and I quote ‘we still have Death Eaters to catch, I literally could not care less’.

Lee: Indeed, vote Shacklebolt for minister.

George: Shacklebolt 2001. Make the ministry mirthful again.

Lee: Now Rapier, what has been happening in the world since last we took to the airwaves like a Harry Potter obsessesed Hippogriff?

George: Well River, funny you should mention Harry Potter obsessed Hippogriffs. It turns out that world famous boy wizard Harry ‘Oblivious to women’s emotions’ Potter has been harbouring a fugitive.

Lee: Gosh Rapier, really?

George: That’s right River. Legendary former toddler H. J. Potter esquire has been harbouring the noted hippogriff and convicted felon ‘Buckbeak’. Buckbeak was sentenced to death several years ago for allegedly mortally wounding Draco ‘My father will hear about this’ Malfoy. Additionally, Buckbeak aided in the escape of famed criminal and good boy, Sirius Black.

Lee: But was mr Black not posthumously cleared of all charges?

George: Correct River. However, at the time this feathered felon was still aiding in a criminals escape, and should be brought to justice.

Lee: Are you suggesting we campaign to send Buckbeak to Azkaban.

George: Not only am I suggesting jail for this clawed criminal, but I also suggest Harry Potter should be imprisoned for upwards of 50 years for harbouring a known fugitive.

Lee: I support this Rapier. Justice must be done.

George: In other news, popular magazine the Quibbler has relaunched after nearly two years of being out of print. Those of you listening to the show during the reign of Ol’ Lord no nose will remember the Quibbler’s office was destroyed in what some have described as ‘A classic Potter’

Lee: We can exclusively reveal that myself and Rapier, as well as Harry Potter, Kreacher T. Elf, Horace Slughorn and Ronald ‘What were you thinking in your 6th Year’ Weasley will be just some of the guest writers.

George: My article is called ‘Minerva McGonnagal, Kitten or Kangaroo’. I seek to prove that the hogwarts headmistress is not in fact a proud Scot, but actually a 25yr Australian Enchantress called Stephanie Irwin.

Lee: Meanwhile, my article will seek to look into claims that Harry Potter is none other 3 Goblins in a surprisingly realistic person costume.

George: look out for other articles from us coming soon. And finally, after much debate, a new platform will be opening at Kings Cross Station. Platform 7 5/12 will be a direct line from London to Godric’s hollow, providing fans of the chosen one the chance to visit the ‘Harry Potter’ experience, sponsored by Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes.

Lee: I am very excited for this new Museum/Interprative Dance Show, opening in March 1999.

George: Fun fact for our fans River, if you slap a red wig in a house Elf, spitting image of Potter’s beloved sidekick Rob Weasley.

Lee: and now we turn to the interview portion of our show. Please join me fans, in giving a very warm welcome to ‘Rival’

Viktor Krum: Is pleasure to being here my friends.

Lee: Now Rival, you know Harry Potter fairly well, what’s he like?

Krum: Well River, Harry Potter is good man. I like him very a lot. However, he is not too bright.

George: oh really?

Krum: oh yes. I get to know him during the Triwizard tournament, and I come to conclusion that without Hermione Grainger, who is amazing witch, Potter would have been died two weeks into his first year in Hogwarts.

Lee: You’re not the first to say this Rival. So you like Potter, but think he’s a bit thick.

Krum: Yes I am liking Harry but am thinking he actually only knowing 2 spells. The Dementor Spell, in Bulgaria we call it the great protector. And Expelliarmus. I was at battle of Hogwarts and when I see him try to disarm the dark lord I am thinking ‘oh well, nice to know you Potter’ and am ready to try to kill Mister Voldemort myself.

George: Do you think you could have defeated the Dark Lord?

Krum: Oh yes, in my home country we knowing how to deal with Dark Wizards and beasts. I defeat my first Vampire age 9 with nothing but a firebreath potion and sharp stick. I sharpen stick myself.

Lee: How did you sharpen the stick Rival?

Krum: With another sharpened stick.

George: Amazing. You heard it hear first folks, Rival is probably the coolest dude I’ve ever met. And I routinely was punished by Minerva McGonnagal.

Krum: Your Madam McGonnagal is great woman. She remind me of the Lamya. Is a great Bulgarian dragon lady of much power.

Lee: Awesome. And finally Rival, how do you fancy your home nations chances in the Quidditch World Cup.

Krum: I am hoping we do very well. Is a good team, maybe better than team we have last World Cup.

Lee: Thank you Rival. That is all we have time for tonight. I have been River.

George: And I have been Rapier.

How messages like this make me feel.

Lee Jordan: Howdy magical community, and may I just say how well you all look today. My name is River, and with me, as always, is the man, the myth, the legend? Rapier.

George Weasley: Hello River, how are you this fine day.

Lee: I’m splendid Rapier, and may I say how happy I am that St Mungos managed to regrow you new thumbs.

George: I’m as thrilled as anyone, especially as my father recently brought a muggle device called an ‘N64’ and that requires lots of thumb work.

Lee: what does this device do?

George: as far as I can work out, you make an Italian man fight what appears to be a Ukrainian Ironbelly.

Lee: these muggles, what will they think of next? And now, we are joined by our regular quidditch reporter, Red-Hot.

Angelina Johnson: Hello River, happy to be back.

Lee: So, Red-Hot, what is happening in the quidditch world at the moment?

Angelina: Well River, with a full three and a half years to go until the next World Cup, the first playoffs are taking place. I was able to attend the first 2 matches, and my colleague Oliver ‘knock on’ Wood attended the third.

Lee: How how were the initial playoffs.

Angelina: the first match, USA vs Bulgeria, was close, with some textbook flying and Chasing, until a last minute snitch capture by Viktor ‘hide your wife’ Krum allowing Bulgeria to win 300-200 over the Americans. Next up was Russia vs Belize. Despite Belize’s high quality of quidditch, the Russians were in the lead 170-130. However, a sudden spell from somewhere in the Belizian supporters end hit keeper Nikoli Trokinsky, transfiguring him into a small Danish pastry. Belize forfeited the match and after Chaser Vladimir Tasosky, who had taken a bludger to the head, was stopped from eating the aforementioned pastry, Trokinsky was returned to his original form by officials.

George: That must’ve left him with some severe trauma.

Angelina: it certainly has. Trokinsky has sworn never to eat another baked good. Finally Oliver ‘catch the snitch or die trying’ Wood attended the Malta vs Ghana match. Some doubted that Malta would even put together a team, having a magical population of less than 300, and, seeing as how Ghana are one of the finest African teams, the match seemed fairly pointless. However the Maltese focussed on defensive play, with beaters Antonio Caruana and Scholastica Vassalo playing particularly well. After a surprise snitch capture by Paul Vassalo, brother of the beater of the same name, the final score was 160-150 to Malta.

Lee: thank you so much Red-Hot. And now, over to Rapier with the news.

George: thank you River. Firstly, Harry ‘no need to call me sir Professor’ Potter was honoured by the international confederation of wizards last night. He, along with sidekick Ron Weasley, and Hermione Grainger, we’re presented with the new ‘Albus Dumbledore’ award for services to wizardkind.

Lee: like they need more awards.

George: Potter and Weasley attended, however Grainger was unable to attend due to what she called a ‘particularly challenging Arithmancy test’ the next day.

Lee: what a dork that lady is.

George: the dorkiest. Hell of a right hook though. Next up, a mysterious donation of one million galleons was given to st Mungos, specifically to construct a new ward for those affected by dark magic. No name was given, but my sources suggest it was none other than Draco ‘daddy’s little princess’ Malfoy.

Lee: I once hexed him so he could only speak through showtune lyrics. He now has a pathological hatred of ‘Les Mis’.

George: glad to see all that malfoy money, estimated to be twice the GDP of a medium size nation, is being put to good use. And finally, noted dragon tamer and cool dude Charlie Weasley has announced the discovery of a new species of dragon. Weasley and beloved magizoologist Newt Scamander were on a fact finding mission in Borneo, and discovered a small colony of dragons living deep in the jungles. The ‘Indonesian jewel scale’ is the first new dragon discovered in over 250 years.

Lee: neat. Why didn’t Charlie call it something cooler?

George: I suggested the ‘Weasley fire bastard’ but was ignored. Incidentally, new model dragon with real fire, now available at Weasley’s wizard wheezes, starting from just 9 sickles for a common welsh green.

Lee: Thank you Rapier. And now, I would like to welcome our guest today. I would like to introduce you all to Rodent.

Ron Weasley: why do I have to be Rodent.

Lee: shut up. Now Rodent, you are a close friend of professional scar-haver H. J. Potter. Is that correct.

Ron: yup. Known him since his first day at hogwarts.

Lee: could you please tell us what, I’m your opinion is Potters greatest strength?

Ron: his friends. Without people like myself, Hermione or Neville, he couldn’t have achieved anything. Hagrid too, although sometimes Hagrids ‘pets’ were nearly as bad as You-Know-Who.

Lee: Fascinating. And his greatest weakness?

Ron: tremendously bad at magic. He knows like 3 spells. And he’s not very good at accio. Also terrible with girls. I still laugh about the Cho Chang cock-up.

Lee: are you suggesting Harry Potter, the idol of millions, is bad at magic?

Ron: does a good patronus. And if you ever need to expelliarmus someone, he’s your man. But basic charms? Potions? Just crap.

Lee: you heard it here first folks. And finally Rodent, what do you think is Harry Potters greatest achievement?

Ron: not murdering Gilderoy Lockhart in our second year. Followed by Trelawney.

George: not, I don’t know, defeating Voldemort?

Ron: nah. That’s top 10. Oh, that first snitch capture is up there too.

Lee: thank you so much Rodent. That’s all we have time for this week. Next password will be expelliarmus. I’ve been River.

George: and I’ve been Rapier.

Lee Jordan: Salutations Wizarding community. My name is River, beloved radio host and die hard Harry Potter fangirl. With me as always is is my dear cohost, Rapier.

George Weasley: Well howdy darling listeners.

Lee: How are you Rapier?

George: Splendid River. I have some news if you’re interested.

Lee: Gee Whiz, am I ever.

George: First up, the boy who was chosen, Harry J Potter, has been taken detained by the Danish Ministry of Magic for causing vast property damage in Copenhagen, whilst attempting to apprehend a death eater.

Lee: What happened Rapier?

George: Details are still hazy, but several reports suggest some sort of giant, lightning breathing penguin was created after a ruckus in the muggle zoo.

Lee: That sounds absolutely incredible.

George: It does indeed. I would like to extend the offer of buying a drink to whichever Danish wizard had the brass balls to arrest Harry Potter.

Lee: Truly a legend.

George: Indeed. Next up, Amnesiac author and professional fraudster, Gilderoy Lockhart, was found naked, wandering muggle London, asking confused muggles how charming they thought his smile was.

Lee: I love this story so much.

George: Me too. It was discovered his chief healer at St Mungos thought it would do him good to get out. Once beyond the confines of his room he legged it, disposed of his clothes and accosted the muggles.

Lee: I couldn’t stop laughing for several hours after this.

George: So so funny. And finally, Oliver ‘he’s a keeper’ Wood, has been appointed interim Head of Magical games and sport by Minister Shacklebolt. When asked for comment, Mr Wood said ‘What are you doing in my house’ and ‘George, its three in the morning, if you don’t leave I’m calling the magic cops’

Lee: Fascinating stuff.

George: Indeedy. I’m interested to see what Wood brings to the role.

Lee: Next up, with some trepidation, I would like to welcome back to the show our next guest, Rancid.

Kreacher: Hello Jordan brat, hello blood traitor.

George: nice to see you too.

Lee: Rancid, I would like to get your opinions on elf rights.

Kreacher: House Elf’s do not want what the Grainger Mudblood is talking about.

Lee: you don’t want to use a wand or earn a wage?

Kreacher: Kreacher only lives to serve. The noble house of Black and its well being is all Kreacher cares about.

George: Bang up job you did there, they’re all dead you bat eared buffoon.

Kreacher: Kreacher will serve the house of Potter, even if they are less than noble. Master is a filthy half blood but defeated the Dark Lord so he will do.

Lee: Hear the Harry, saving the world doesn’t make you special.

George: Yeah you marginally magical Dork.

Kreacher: The blood traitor will not insult Kreacher’s Master.

George: The Blood traitor will do what ever he wants. Harry Potter is a bespectacled loser arrrrrrgh.

Lee: Oh crap. Get off him Kreacher.

George: He’s trying to take my thumbs.

*off mic screaming and banging*

Lee: We apologise everyone. Rancid appears to be attempting to maul Rapier.

*Off mic. George: sweet Merlin he’s got my thumbs*

Lee: Whilst I attempt to rescue Rapier, and possibly take him to St Mungos, I would like to give you next weeks password, Snitch. Until next time, I’ve been River.

George: PLEASE HELP HES EATING MY FACE.

Lee: We tried a few different techniques but we came up short.

George: We borrowed Harry’s cloak.

Lee: Transfigured ourselves into second year Hufflepuffs.

George: Polyjuice Potion.

Lee: That was going well until they realised we were not, in fact, Slughorn.

George: Transfigured into Dumbledore.

Lee: Set off the dark mark as a distraction.

George: We got arrested for that one.

Lee: Tried to seduce Minnie.

George: What do you mean tried?

George: I believe Mr H Potter will be. I’m going to try but River and I are technically not allowed on Hogwarts grounds at the moment.

Lee: Apparently we’re ‘a distracting influence’ and ‘Not allowed within 100 yards of Professor Sinistra’.

Lee Jordan: Hello everyone. Wizards, witches, Warlocks, Sorcerers and, I dunno, general magic bois! We are back, on a very special day.

George Weasley: That’s right gang, it’s the anniversary of the first time He who is just the worst fell, and Harry Potter became the most magical baby.

Lee: In honour, we will have a two minutes silence for those who fell in the first and second wizarding War.

George: That’s right. After that, we will go off air until tomorrow. No music, no magic, just rememberance.

Lee: We ask you to remember especially James Potter, Lily Potter, Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore

George: We will back tomorrow for a bumper episode of Potterwatch, more allies, more news, more Harry Potter facts.