Digging through my notes housing 129 fic ideas/drafts that were growing mold and came across this old thing I wrote probs 2 years ago and then got myself surprised for forgetting about this and actually finding it funny 😭
Inspired by Homecoming by Aenid
Kagura came home early from a mission and planned to surprise her husband. She expected for the house to be empty until she heard noises from the bedroom. She froze.
No way. No way Sougo would...
She slowly made her way to their bedroom which was half-closed. She could now hear the moaning voices clearly. It was Sougo's... And a disgustingly familiar high-pitched voice.
Blood rushing to her head, she slammed the door open to confront his husband's affair--
Only to find him with his pants down... And alone.
"Shit!" Sougo threw his phone in surprise. The moaning continued which meant that the source of the noise was actually from his phone.
"Sougo... What are you doing?"
"That's my line! What are you doing here?! I mean, you didn't tell me you'd be back today!"
"I was going to surprise you... Were you jacking off just no-"
"I was just scratching my dick." Sougo cut her off without meeting her gaze, knowing all too well a stupid cocky grin was making way to her face.
"Aww. Did you miss me that much?"
"Don't look at me like that. God knows you touch yourself in space thinking about me."
"Shut up! At least I don't watch porn while doing it!"
"How does that even make any difference? And I wasn't just watching any porn. I was watching ours." "
What?" Kagura picked up his phone and found that the video was indeed a sex tape starring themselves.
"YOU- YOU RECORDED THIS???"
"You don't remember? I asked for your consent and even sent you a copy."
"YOU LITTLE- WHAT IF SOMEONE SEES?!"
"They'd have their hand chopped off before anyone could snatch my phone, China."
"AND YOU'RE EVEN USING IT FOR MASTURBATING!"
"What do you think I recorded it for? Anyway, now that you're here, how about you do your wifely duties and take care of this for me, hmm?"
Kagura looked at his cock and reached out to grab it with one hand.
Then twisted it.
"OW!! SHIT SHIT SHIT-- YOU BITCH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
"I'm doing my wifely duties, yes?"
"WHAT KIND OF WIFE BREAKS HIS HUSBAND'S DICK?!"
"Didn't you know? The magazine says ten out of ten wives have thought of breaking their husband's dick at least once."
Sougo reached for her boob and crushed it with all his might- just like how their boss lady crushed his in his genderbender form.
"OW OW OW OW OW!! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! THAT HURTS! YOU WANT ME TO CRUSH YOUR BALLS, UHUH?!"
"Try, if you want to be sexless for the rest of your life!"
"You'll be the only one sexless! I'll just find someone else to-" She spoke without thinking, and only realized it when her husband aggressively slammed his mouth against hers, forcing her to swallow those careless words she was about to say.
"...I didn't mean that, yes?"
He kissed her once again, this time, chaste and sweet.
"I know, stupid." He said, leaning his forehead against hers. "You'll never find anyone who can fuck you better than I do."
"Don't get cocky, bastard." she sneered, "It's only because I feel bad for you. You're so unfuckable I'm the only willing victim you can fuck."
"Oh yeah? Well that goes for you too. Who on earth wants to fuck a gorilla woman whose cunt smells like sukonbu?"
"MY CUNT DOES NOT SMELL LIKE SUKONBU!"
"Hah! I finally got you to admit sukonbu smells bad!"
"You shit. What I meant was they don't smell alike, yes?! Don't make things up!"
"How 'bout I check then?"
"Huh-OI! What are you doing?!"
"Checking."
----
(insert NSFW stuff I'll probably never get myself to write in this lifetime)
Most of my drafts are just dialogues with lazy narration and giving up halfway lmao 💀 and bc it's okkg, they are actually just banters that grew a storyline, not the other way around 😂
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So bored at work that I asked Bing AI to write me an okkg fanfic
It actually turned out more entertaining than I thought LMAO
The Duel of the Century
It was a sunny day in Edo, and the Shinsengumi was busy with their usual duties. Sougo, the 1st Division Captain, was walking around the streets, looking for any signs of trouble. He had a reputation as the best swordsman in the Shinsengumi, and he enjoyed testing his skills against worthy opponents.
As he passed by a flower shop, he saw a familiar face. It was Kagura, the 2nd Division Captain of the Yorozuya. She was wearing a pink kimono and holding a basket of flowers. She looked like she was on her way to deliver them to someone.
Sougo felt a surge of anger and annoyance. He hated Kagura with a passion. She was always mocking him and challenging him to fights. She claimed that she was stronger than him, and that she would defeat him someday. Sougo vowed to prove her wrong, and to show her who was the real captain.
He decided to follow her and confront her. He ran after her, catching up with her in no time.
“Hey, China!” he shouted.
Kagura turned around and saw him. She smirked and said, “Oh, look who it is. The prince of sadists himself.”
Sougo glared at her and said, “What are you doing here? Are you going to sell flowers or something?”
Kagura shrugged and said, “Nope. I’m just delivering them to someone special.”
She held up the basket of flowers and said, “Do you want one?”
Sougo snorted and said, “No thanks. I don’t need flowers.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his sword.
“I need to settle this once and for all.”
Kagura raised an eyebrow and said, “Settle what?”
Sougo pointed his sword at her chest and said, “This! Our rivalry! Our feud! Our… whatever this is!”
Kagura laughed and said, “You’re kidding me, right? You want to fight me right here? In front of everyone?”
She looked around and saw that they were attracting attention from the passersby.
“Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?”
Sougo smirked and said, “Of course I do. That’s why I’m doing it.”
He lunged at her with his sword.
Kagura dodged his attack easily.
She grabbed his sword arm and twisted it behind his back.
She pressed her knee against his spine.
She whispered in his ear,
“Give up already.”
Sougo groaned in pain.
He felt humiliated.
He hated losing.
But he also hated giving up.
He refused to admit defeat.
He struggled to free himself from her grip.
He spat out,
“Never!”
Kagura sighed.
She shook her head.
She admired his spirit.
But she also pitied him.
She knew that he was wasting his time.
She knew that she would win eventually.
But she also knew that he wouldn’t accept it if she did.
So she decided to end this once and for all.
She whispered in his ear,
“Fine then.”
She let go of his sword arm.
She stood up straight.
She smiled wickedly at him.
She said,
“Let’s have some fun.”
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a rock paper scissors game board.
She showed it to him proudly.
She said,
“I challenge you to a game of rock paper scissors.”
Sougo looked at it incredulously.
He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
He asked,
“What? Are you serious?”
Kagura nodded confidently.
She said,
“Yes. I’m serious.”
She explained,
“This is our way of settling our score once and for all.”
She continued,
“We will play rock paper scissors until one of us wins three rounds.”
If we win two rounds each, then we will draw."
If we win three rounds each, then we will both lose."
If we lose three rounds each, then we will both surrender."
If we surrender at any point during the game or before it ends officially , then we will both admit defeat publicly ."
Do you understand?"
Sougo nodded slowly .
He understood .
But he didn’t like it .
He thought it was unfair .
But he also thought it was interesting .
He wondered what would happen if they played this game .
Would they really draw ?
Would they really lose ?
Would they really surrender ?
Would they really admit defeat ?
Or would they surprise themselves ?
And each other ?
With something else ?
Something unexpected ?
Something… more ?
Sougo felt a strange sensation in his chest .
A mix of curiosity , excitement , nervousness , anticipation , fear , doubt , hope , desire …
He looked into Kagura’s eyes .
They were shining with determination , confidence , amusement , challenge …
They
The game of rock paper scissors is not as simple as it seems. There are some rules and strategies that you need to know. For example, you can’t use the same hand twice in a row, or you can’t change your mind after you make your move. You also need to pay attention to your opponent’s body language and facial expressions, as they might give away their intentions.
Sougo and Kagura start playing the game. They both use their best moves and try to outsmart each other. They both show their skills and their personalities. They both have fun and they both get frustrated.
The game is close and exciting. They both win one round each, and they both lose one round each. They both draw one round each.
They are tied.
They are both surprised.
They are both curious.
They are both tempted.
They decide to play one more round.
The final round.
The decisive round.
The one that will determine their fate.
They look at each other with intensity and anticipation.
They raise their hands and make their final moves.
They reveal their choices.
They say,
“Rock.”
“Paper.”
“Sissors.”
And then…
Sougo and Kagura stared at each other in disbelief.
They both had rock.
They both had paper.
They both had scissors.
They both had the same move.
They both had the same choice.
They both had the same result.
They both had a tie.
They both had a draw.
They both had a loss.
They both had a surrender.
They both had an admission of defeat.
But they also had something else.
Something unexpected.
Something surprising.
Something… more?
Sougo and Kagura felt a strange sensation in their chests.
A mix of confusion, frustration, disappointment, relief, curiosity, amusement, challenge…
They looked into each other’s eyes.
They saw something different in them.
Something new in them.
Something… more?
Sougo and Kagura smiled at each other.
They felt a connection between them.
A bond between them.
A spark between them.
A fire between them?
Sougo and Kagura leaned closer to each other.
They felt a desire for each other.
A passion for each other. A love for each other?
Sougo and Kagura kissed each other. They felt a bliss for each other. A joy for each other. A happiness for each other?
Sougo and Kagura hugged each other. They felt a warmth for each other. A comfort for each other. A peace for each other?
Sougo and Kagura held hands with each other. They felt a trust for each other. A respect for each other. A admiration for each other?
Sougo and Kagura walked away from the flower shop together. They felt a freedom for each other. A adventure for each other. A fun for each other?
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It's KAGURA DAY and I literally have nothing but this old rusty bday crackfic to show for. Had plans for part 2 but couldn't find the time. I swear my love for her is real 😭
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