bus
i would gladly
miss the bus
a thousand times
if it meant
i got to sit here with you
for a little while
longer
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@postpluvia
bus
i would gladly
miss the bus
a thousand times
if it meant
i got to sit here with you
for a little while
longer

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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spectacle
everyone looks
it is the same stupid face every single day.
being a whole thing people have to figure out in their heads and have an opinion on
never just a girl in the world.
always a spectacle!
always making people look twice.
but i have to stay proud-
tomorrow is the exact same thing.
they see me
and they do the math all over again
yum
we meet in secret
behind the closed door of the kitchen
under the yellow light of the stove
i know what you are
and i know what you’ll do to me
but god you look so good in the dark.
something soft and heavy
a terrible thing
i shouldn't let you touch me-
i tell myself just a little bit
just to blur the lines
we can pretend the consequences aren't real
but it’s a temporary high
and tomorrow the kitchen gets quiet-
my body pays the price in memory.
monster
it’s a slow leak
poison dripped into the ear
while i'm not in the room
a lie at bedtime
a headline over breakfast
every normal mistake i make
becomes proof that i am-
sick
deranged
unwell
they build a monster
and use my own blood to do it
now i watch the eyes i used to protect go quiet
a shift in text
the hesitation
the spell taking hold
bit by bit
i’m just standing here
asking only to exist.
instead they teach her how to hate me
how to mourn like i am dead
before i’m even gone.
platonic
she’s my best friend
my ride or die
and i love her to death
(as a friend, of course.)
she’s been softer lately
now that she’s with her
in a way i like to notice
but sometimes i see her
i just feel weird inside
the platonic going blurry
i miss her before she leaves
wanting to hold a hug
just a second too long
to feel her weight against me
i blame the lighting
or the time of night
but a dumb kind of sadness
keeps creeping into my quiet
i'm glad she's around
and doing better
but it’s hard to tell
where sisterhood ends
and my feelings start

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trap
teenage girls at the bus stop
a pair sits down right next to me
loud and taking up space
it’s grating at first, the way they go on and on and on and on-
making me invisible
they just keep talking
and all i can think about is sixteen
the hallways
and trying to be invisible
so no one would yell slurs or hit me
it’s a dumb kind of melancholy
looking at them and wishing
my body hadn't been a trap from the start
drift
i keep sending the first text
because i’m scared of the silence that happens
the moment i stop.
i want so badly to be part of the warmth
to be woven into the way everyone else just fits
so i call first
i check in
i make myself the one who reaches out
because if i don’t hold the door open
i’m scared it will just drift shut on its own
not because anyone hates me
but because they’re already inside-
and they don't notice i’m still out on the porch.
song
song came on and they started singing
when it got to the part about a girl
they looked at me and pointed-
it was me!
i was the girl!
and suddenly every thought in my head tripped over itself
like someone saw me for the first time
wow!
girlhood
i missed an entire version of myself
grade school, like i was watching it through glass
the girls around me were becoming loud-
inside jokes and bracelets and birthday parties and days spent at the mall
while i tried as hard as possible to disappear.
now i’m twenty-something
watching my friends fall in love and move in together
and talk about people they used to be at sixteen
i sit there trying to imagine it for myself.
oh, what it would’ve been like
to have been that way from the beginning-
to grow into myself openly
instead of having to uncover it afterward
to look back on my childhood
and recognize myself in it
instead i arrived afterward
trying to piece it together from god knows what and where.
sometimes i think
there are parts of me i will always mourn
the version of my life
that could have existed
if i’d been allowed to be her sooner
but there’s nothing i can do about that now.
no way to go back
no way to live it for the first time
so i keep moving forward anyway
with this quiet, sinking feeling
that i showed up
late.
to my own life.
yours
i keep wishing you were here
for stupid little things
long drives
empty parking lots
walking home too late
i think about handing you my phone
so you can pick the music again
i think about your hands
the way you touched things absentmindedly
like you belonged there
and i keep catching myself wanting
to belong to you too
which is humiliating.
because i barely knew you!
and somehow i still miss you enough
to look for you in crowds
to wish you’d text first
to wish you wanted me
the way i wanted you
sometimes i think
i could be yours
if things would just happen
slightly differently.

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throat
something crawls up my throat when you walk towards me
i look anywhere else.
i don’t want to hear your voice
or see your face this close again
but you’re here.
waiting for me to say something?
and my mind goes blank-
please just keep walking.
my life was quieter
before you started appearing in it again
month
there’s still a dip in the couch
where you put your head
i keep looking at it
like it means something
my hat still smells like outside
like the night you took it off my head
and spun around under the streetlights with it
and i don’t understand
how someone i barely knew
got into me like this
why i keep stopping at things that remind me of you
like i’m waiting for you to come back for them
it’s been a month.
what the actual fuck is wrong with me.
laugh
i don’t get why they laugh.
they call me wooden
something’s off
i don’t move the way i should
i try to keep up
watch closely
how they smile
when they talk

for a second it feels right, then i slip just enough that they notice.
i don’t know what i’m missing
where does it all go wrong
so i keep trying
it works for them
just never for me.
table
they all talk over me at once, like i already said it
like it’s decided
i try to answer, but it gets buried
so i look at you across the table
waiting, like you’ll stop it
you’ll help me
you always help me
you see me
and you twist the knife.
i go quiet
and it all keeps going
i keep thinking
i loved listening to you when no one else did
i remembered everything you said like it mattered
it did to me
i stayed.
and in the one moment i needed you to
you didn’t.
hate
i hate you.
i gave you everything, more than i had
you were the reason i left home
the reason i moved again
there was a time i just wanted to sit next to you and stay there
i trusted you.
i stood by you every time
i covered for you every time
and i told myself it was worth it
i made space for you in everything
looked for starlight in other people but never found you
i knew you’d leave
i just didn’t think you’d turn on me
i have no one now, just this
this feeling that won’t go away
it sits in my chest and burns
a reminder of how much i gave
and how little it meant
i wish you’d wake up
i wish you’d be sorry
you won’t.

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ringing
perfect quiet
like everything burned out last night
the air is heavy still
there’s a ringing where the noise was
my head aches and pleads, my throat is dry
i don’t move
nothing’s changed
it just feels off
like something broke
forever
i try not to think
and let it stay quiet.
deserve
sinking feeling in my chest
i don’t deserve to be alive
messed everything up. again.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
i didn’t mean to.
i want to scream
but nothing comes out
i’m dying
i’m dying
i’m dying
it’s all my fault.
i didn’t mean it.
i promise i didn’t mean it