post ● pluvia

i would gladly

miss the bus

a thousand times

if it meant

i got to sit here with you

for a little while

everyone looks

it is the same stupid face every single day.

being a whole thing people have to figure out in their heads and have an opinion on

never just a girl in the world.

always a spectacle!

always making people look twice.

but i have to stay proud-

tomorrow is the exact same thing.

they see me

we meet in secret

behind the closed door of the kitchen

under the yellow light of the stove

i know what you are

and i know what you’ll do to me

but god you look so good in the dark.

something soft and heavy

a terrible thing

i shouldn't let you touch me-

i tell myself just a little bit

just to blur the lines

we can pretend the consequences aren't real

but it’s a temporary high

and tomorrow the kitchen gets quiet-

it’s a slow leak

poison dripped into the ear

while i'm not in the room

a lie at bedtime

a headline over breakfast

every normal mistake i make

becomes proof that i am-

sick

deranged

unwell

they build a monster

and use my own blood to do it

now i watch the eyes i used to protect go quiet

a shift in text

the hesitation

the spell taking hold

bit by bit

i’m just standing here

asking only to exist.

instead they teach her how to hate me

how to mourn like i am dead

she’s my best friend

my ride or die

and i love her to death

(as a friend, of course.)

she’s been softer lately

now that she’s with her

in a way i like to notice

but sometimes i see her

i just feel weird inside

the platonic going blurry

i miss her before she leaves

wanting to hold a hug

just a second too long

to feel her weight against me

i blame the lighting

or the time of night

but a dumb kind of sadness

keeps creeping into my quiet

i'm glad she's around

and doing better

but it’s hard to tell

where sisterhood ends

teenage girls at the bus stop

a pair sits down right next to me

loud and taking up space

it’s grating at first, the way they go on and on and on and on-

making me invisible

they just keep talking

and all i can think about is sixteen

the hallways

and trying to be invisible

so no one would yell slurs or hit me

it’s a dumb kind of melancholy

looking at them and wishing

i keep sending the first text

because i’m scared of the silence that happens

the moment i stop.

i want so badly to be part of the warmth

to be woven into the way everyone else just fits

so i call first

i check in

i make myself the one who reaches out

because if i don’t hold the door open

i’m scared it will just drift shut on its own

not because anyone hates me

but because they’re already inside-

song came on and they started singing

when it got to the part about a girl

they looked at me and pointed-

it was me!

i was the girl!

and suddenly every thought in my head tripped over itself

like someone saw me for the first time

i missed an entire version of myself

grade school, like i was watching it through glass

the girls around me were becoming loud-

inside jokes and bracelets and birthday parties and days spent at the mall

while i tried as hard as possible to disappear.

now i’m twenty-something

watching my friends fall in love and move in together

and talk about people they used to be at sixteen

i sit there trying to imagine it for myself.

oh, what it would’ve been like

to have been that way from the beginning-

to grow into myself openly

instead of having to uncover it afterward

to look back on my childhood

and recognize myself in it

instead i arrived afterward

trying to piece it together from god knows what and where.

sometimes i think

there are parts of me i will always mourn

the version of my life

that could have existed

if i’d been allowed to be her sooner

but there’s nothing i can do about that now.

no way to go back

no way to live it for the first time

so i keep moving forward anyway

with this quiet, sinking feeling

that i showed up

late.

i keep wishing you were here

for stupid little things

long drives

empty parking lots

walking home too late

i think about handing you my phone

so you can pick the music again

i think about your hands

the way you touched things absentmindedly

like you belonged there

and i keep catching myself wanting

to belong to you too

which is humiliating.

because i barely knew you!

and somehow i still miss you enough

to look for you in crowds

to wish you’d text first

to wish you wanted me

the way i wanted you

sometimes i think

i could be yours

if things would just happen

something crawls up my throat when you walk towards me

i look anywhere else.

i don’t want to hear your voice

or see your face this close again

but you’re here.

waiting for me to say something?

and my mind goes blank-

please just keep walking.

my life was quieter

there’s still a dip in the couch

where you put your head

i keep looking at it

like it means something

my hat still smells like outside

like the night you took it off my head

and spun around under the streetlights with it

and i don’t understand

how someone i barely knew

got into me like this

why i keep stopping at things that remind me of you

like i’m waiting for you to come back for them

it’s been a month.

i don’t get why they laugh.

they call me wooden

something’s off

i don’t move the way i should

i try to keep up

watch closely

how they smile

when they talk



for a second it feels right, then i slip just enough that they notice.

i don’t know what i’m missing

where does it all go wrong

so i keep trying

it works for them

they all talk over me at once, like i already said it

like it’s decided

i try to answer, but it gets buried

so i look at you across the table

waiting, like you’ll stop it

you’ll help me

you always help me

you see me

and you twist the knife.

i go quiet

and it all keeps going

i keep thinking

i loved listening to you when no one else did

i remembered everything you said like it mattered

it did to me

i stayed.

and in the one moment i needed you to

i hate you.

i gave you everything, more than i had

you were the reason i left home

the reason i moved again

there was a time i just wanted to sit next to you and stay there

i trusted you.

i stood by you every time

i covered for you every time

and i told myself it was worth it

i made space for you in everything

looked for starlight in other people but never found you

i knew you’d leave

i just didn’t think you’d turn on me

i have no one now, just this

this feeling that won’t go away

it sits in my chest and burns

a reminder of how much i gave

and how little it meant

i wish you’d wake up

i wish you’d be sorry

perfect quiet

like everything burned out last night

the air is heavy still

there’s a ringing where the noise was

my head aches and pleads, my throat is dry

i don’t move

nothing’s changed

it just feels off

like something broke

forever

i try not to think

sinking feeling in my chest

i don’t deserve to be alive

messed everything up. again.

i didn’t mean to.

i didn’t mean to.

i didn’t mean to.

i didn’t mean to.

i didn’t mean to.

i didn’t mean to.

i didn’t mean to.

i want to scream

but nothing comes out

i’m dying

i’m dying

i’m dying

it’s all my fault.

i didn’t mean it.