Portugal's Satan

if there was a 6 and a 9 there would be 69 and that’s the sex number

Why the fuck am I seeing shrek slander on my dashboard right now. Did any of you even watch the goddamn films. I can’t believe this. You guys don’t deserve shrek.

Fuck you Fiona was already an ogre and was trying to hide that part of herself because her parents told her to be ashamed but shrek helped her accept that part of herself and become her true self unapologetically! Fuck you 

OP is lord farquaad

In the near future, you are making dinner because you are about to meet your girlfriend’s dad for the first time. All you have in the kitchen is cooked frozen steaks. In walks your girlfriend and her dad, Gordon Ramsey.

This isn’t a prompt, this a fully finished horror story

Gordon ramsay, knowing this is not a high end resturaunt and you cannot afford to buy high end steaks, and that you do not claim to be a professional chef, appreciates the gesture and even gives some pointers on how one can cook on a budget and you all have a great time.

the idea of consuming two conflicting things that promise to do the opposite of each other has always been hilarious to me. there’s a liquid shot-based sleep aid called 6 hour sleep and as soon as I saw it i immediately imagined mixing it and a 5 hour energy together for a 1 hour nap

mix NyQuil and DayQuil to create Quil

what does Quil do

All the time all the time

black panther but everytime killmonger takes his shirt off to fight t'challa picks it up and puts it on

obviously this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read

working with children is a wild fucking experience yall. this morning at work one of our second graders got my attention and was like “you know what word my mom told me not to say? PUSSY.” and i was like “then why did you just say it??” and she went “i dunno” and then dabbed

Don’t call me out like this

THESE ARE GEN Z KIDS!!!! 23 YEAR OLDS ARE NOT OUT HERE EATING LAUNDRY DETERGENT.

yeah it’s them fucking kids born in 2005

how did they learn to translate languages into other languages how did they know which words meant what HOW DID TH

Fan Fact #2: When Spanish conquistadors landed in the Yucatán peninsula, they asked the natives what their land was called and they responded “Yucatán”. In 2015, it was discovered that in those mesoamerican languages, “Yucatán” meant “I don’t understand what you are saying”

W H E E Z E

really need some affection!

your*

honestly? insightful