thinking about cid and how he just cannot deal with his emotions, or that of other people
otto, a friend he's had for literal decades, only had cid express his sincere and honest feelings to him from a note that cid had written when he was completely wasted and then on top of that hid away in some books for otto to find years after his passing
it even shows in mid's flightiness. her inability to visit cid's grave due to that same kind of avoidance of her feelings and just not wanting to confront it, so she runs from it instead, much like her dad did
from the moment clive meets him, you see this reflected with him as well. cid never expressly tells clive what he thinks about him, he only tries to nudge and push clive onto the right path in his own somewhat overbearing way. rather than telling clive that he's there for him and wants to mentor him and hopes that one day clive will take over as leader of the hideaway, cid waits until his literal last breath to pass that onto him
even when clive is at his lowest after the fight with benedikta, cid's solution to his spiral is to sock him in the jaw!! cid just cannot cope with the situation in any other way. trying to comfort clive? address the pain and feelings behind his meltdown? nope. snap him out of it with some Tough Love and keep it moving
i've been thinking whether cid's experience with barnabas had anything to do with this: whether he once might have been much more open, but because barnabas burned him and misused his trust, he has been sitting with a certain kind of doubt in his own judgment. where he once pledged himself to barnabas' cause, it must have felt like a betrayal to see barnabas turn his back on the ideals they once shared, and now cid can't shake off the fear of vulnerability
cid ran away from waloed, and maybe, he's been continuing to run ever since, so that he doesn't have to confront the hurt it inflicted on him
blackthorne also notes to clive that cid has a habit of deciding what's best for other people. maybe that, then, makes it easier to treat other people like pieces of a puzzle he needs to slot into their right place rather than engage with them emotionally. he's known as a tinkerer and inventor of things, after all
and that way, if someone betrays him, he won't get hurt again
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