Erp

Hi, yes it's me. I feel like it's been a while since I was present in my mind. I've been in auto pilot/panic mod for a while. I miss when I was able to be at peace and just sit and focus and read. I'm trying to do that now and had this moment of realness and just wanted to pop in and say hi, time is weird and people are strange.

I really get to go take care of newborns and teach parents how to care for their new babies as my job. How freaking cool is that? Sometimes I forget in the day to day grind, but my job is amazing!

Hoooooly heck. Time is so weird. I was just thinking of this fanfiction I had read and went to find it in my bookmarks to reread and iI read it in 2018!!! Oh my gosh! That's 3 years ago now!!! How did this happen? And I wrote all these little notes on the gifs I read about stuff going on at the time, like going to apply to the mother baby unit, my last days at St. Mary"s, break ups, family events... It all went by so fast! I almost was in a head on car accident yesterday when a car swerved suddenly through a median and onto the wrong way and I had had a sudden thought before when I was driving to slow down for some reason, and if I hadn't of had that sudden thought I don't think I would have had enough time to react and would have been hit. Things happen so fast, things can change so suddenly, and life can end at any time. I need to remember to savor the little moments. To keep making these notes of the happy little daily things. To be thankful and stay in wonder of all the fantastic things there are in life

Today I feel so at peace and happy. It's funny how you can be holding onto so much baggage from your past and not even realize it until someone says it's okay to let it go. I feel like I just got a shockwave of how blessed I am and that there is so much to look forward to! I am trying to keep this perspective and stay present and appreciative of the small things and what is happening now and stop trying so hard for perfection and practice being grateful for the imperfection of it all. One thing I have always been bad about is keeping grudges and lingering on bad feeling and I want to practice letting it go but I think I had been forgetting the root of what was causing the grudge in the first place.

I woke up and my love had piled every single blanket on me last night because he thought I seemed cold 😭 He is the absolute best!!

Today has been amazing! I feel so refreshed and refocused and just overall happy and satisfied with life! I love Brandon and everyday with him I feel so lucky and I am so excited to marry him! I love my family and our Tuesday tradition of baking,I love the cats! I love the opportunities I have the choices I can make and explore and experience. I just feel like the next thing I hope to find is a church to be involved in and a new job but I have so much hope and I feel so much braver than I have ever been before. I have someone who is supporting my every step and it makes life so much better!

It is well with my soul

Oh my gosh, I have covid. I feel like I was hit by a truck and randomly get short of breath and can't smell anything. It's very weird. I've been cautious and tried to avoid going out, washed my hands always wore a mask, but I think I was exposed at work at the hospital. Ugh. And I gave it to Brandon my poor love :(

Things are so surreal right now. A worldwide pandemic, violent protests and police brutality and every where the news is spewing more and more bad news. It seems like every day there is a horrendous new thing. Yet I'm living in a happy bubble with my boyfriend and we talk about what show to watch and what to make for dinner. There's still music, and new content being released, and lovely weather and books to read and friends and family. But going out and seeing the strangeness of it all as people are required to have masks now and only a certain number of people can be in places at a time and people are just afraid and frustrated. Drive in churches and online services are the only way they can meet. No visitors at work for the new parents. And my mom has to be so careful as she is susceptible to getting it. It's just a weird time. I hope this time of oddness will end and just be a really weird memory soon.

The worst thing is when you try to transfer a work friendship to an out of work friendship and it's sooooo awkward. Yikes!!!

It's so surreal! I picked an engagement ring today! I always wondered how I would know for sure in a relationship if they were the right one or if I would even know, but from the start I've felt it in my bones with him. I am so excited to spend every day with him!!!! ❤️

I'm laying in bed next to my boyfriend who is fast asleep. It's 11:12 and I am so incredibly happy! My heart is so full with love for him. He recently went a month of job searching which he was miserable without working and all the with all interviews but I loved getting to spend that time with him. It reassured me that even spending almost every day all day together leaves me wanting more. The first day he went back to work I missed him desperately. I love him through and through! Tonight we decided to have a date night in and I made a fancy dinner and got candles and we got all dressed up and I had soft instrumental music in the background and it is already one of my favorite memories! He always is gobsmacked when I get dressed up and he said he felt nervous like he did on our first date! We alowdancwd and then cuddled and watched kung fu panda 2 and it was a perfect evening and I love this man.