South Park headcanons because why not pt1
Genuinely enjoyed playing sports, he was a jock in highschool with his main focus being football and baseball (Stan secretly really enjoyed playing baseball when most of his friends didn’t)
When he joined the space force he immediately joined the Pilot program mostly because all the other jobs seemed too difficult for him, but had to go through the Air Force first and graduated from the USAF academy in Colorado Springs. He loves flying Fighter Jets
Post Covid Stan after burning down the farm fell into heavy drinking. He never really kept himself fit after that and tried desperately to find a career involving drinking which is why he had the Whiskey Consultant job
He lived with Jimbo and Ned during this, his father trying to do anything to not be involved with him
He keeps in touch with the Goth Kids. They really like his crimson dawn band
He also went through another goth phase in high school, especially when the friend group started to go through relationships and different classes (and after another breakup with Wendy for the second time that month) ((that was also when he restarted Crimson Dawn and became a local celebrity))
Alternate Post Covid Stan is jacked (he kinda has to be to fly with all that G-force) can outlift most of the main cast
When they smoked cigarettes to not be like the anti smoker people he never really stopped, he just got real good at hiding it. He doesn’t smoke as often anymore but he does from time to time, prefers Marlboro Reds
He maxed out at 6 ft exactly
He keeps a long distance relationship with Wendy that surprisingly has worked out better than what he had in school. They still meet up together when their schedules work out
He owns a house in Colorado considering that they have a lot of Air Force/Space Force Bases with really good housing options
He provided transport security for the SF when he was in Mars helping with mining operations
Kyle loves playing computer games, so much so that he runs a PC building YouTube channel on the side
When he found out his dad was SkankHunt42, he didn’t talk to him for months. After a while he slowly forgave his dad as long as he was restricted using social media using various gaming or lore questions that his dad wouldn’t understand (for the better)
He played basketball all through high school, getting a scholarship through it at UC Denver
He regularly visits his brother in Canada for the holidays when Ike can’t afford or find a way to Colorado
His two kids are named Miriam and Isaac
He was married, but divorced with his wife. They keep a good relationship though
He was super self conscious about his nose in high school
Kyle is also a counselor! He works at the hospital with a focus for mentally ill folks
He’s the tallest and also the skinniest of the group, being 6’3 and slender
Like his mother, he developed the WHAT WHAT WHAT when he first saw his son say or do something rude or inappropriate
Was just a really smart dude that no one ever noticed
He went to MIT on a full ride, much to the dismay of his dad who was jealous of his success
He doesn’t keep a good relationship with his parents, putting them in a retirement home just so they don’t go off and do something illegal
He grew out a mullet in highschool and was a certified midwestern fuckboy. He got laid most out of all the guys
He maintains an overprotective relationship over Karen despite them being full grown adults.
When he started becoming famous in the science community, he regularly showed up to all fancy suit meetings wearing his favorite beer bottle Hawaiian shirt that he got in a thrift store
He can hold his liquor super well, no one’s ever seen him stumbling or slurring like, ever
Kevin and Kenny didn’t get along as kids but got better over time
He permanently hung up his Mysterion costume after high school, mostly because he had too little time to do it with his studies
He’s got back tattoos of Karen’s and Kevin’s name, each on his shoulders
He’s only about 5’9, he’s got a good dad bod though
Kenny claims he isn’t “strictly gay”, but he also isn’t “strictly straight” either. If he fancies you, he’ll pursue without a care of what you identify as
He grew a beard out of all the boys first in his junior year, Stan was second and Kyle third. Cartman’s facial hair doesn’t count
He got better in high school, now that his mom got him some therapy and medication. He was still an ass, just not as much as before
He played football, but never really liked playing offense. He always played defense because that required less work
Eric improved his relationship with his mom after she started to get real sick during high school
((Let’s pretend he never became a toothless hobo))
He graduated from community college with a degree in culinary arts. Turns out he’s a really good chef
He enjoys the ability to make something for people that doesn’t harm him, and just loves the praise he gets at restaurants and stuff. It suits the needs that he wanted from everyone before
He works at Buca De Faggoncini as a sous chef. Before that he was a busboy
He picked up smoking from his coworkers when nights were slow and he had nothing to do
That’s where he met Yentl, after she accidentally made her way into the alleyway when he was on break smoking a cigarette. They hit off pretty well and plan to stay together for the time being
He’s the shortest of the main four, standing at 5’7 (though he swears he’s 6’2)
Eric also loves Mitski, solely because he discovered her music through a song title of his name
He still makes fun of Kyle, though it’s toned down a lot solely because Yentl didn’t appreciate the Jewish jokes
He’s neighbors with Kyle (much to Kyle’s annoyance)
He cannot grow facial hair to save his life
Probably the worst with alcohol. Can’t drink a beer without already being buzzed
After she beat up Cartman in school, she really got into MMA and fighting. So much so that she wrestled in highschool and started taking MMA and boxing courses
She’s actually a mid end fighter in Colorado-based MMA leagues ;)
Wendy teaches at Harvard! She’s a professor for Leadership and Management in their business school
She’s still best friends with Bebe, and they meet up when they can
She actually has a gap in her front teeth! At first she was self conscious about it but Stan said that was one of his favorite physical features. She prefers to smile with her teeth every time so people can see it in photos
During highschool she became kinda a pot head to cope with the stress of all her classes and extra curricular clubs. Lucky for her that Stan lived in a weed farm
When her and Stan meet up and if they drink Wendy always loves to start wrestling with him. Needless to say Stan doesn’t mind it whatsoever when he gets put into a leg or head lock
She loves hanging out with Kenny and Kyle whenever they’re around
Despite her past with Cartman, she learns to tolerate him better. Thanks to their shared love of bad food and Yentl’s good graces, they have a better friendship
She still occasionally dons her call girl persona, but she was big in it in college. Wendy would doxx or beat up would be assaulters on campus. It was only until college that she learned that call girl was a euphemism for a sex worker
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