Shall you tire of the charade

When Y/N first met Jack Abbot, it was at Mel’s birthday party.

It’d been a surprise event.

Something Santos had thrown together and invited the entire ED out to. It was Langdon’s job to get her to the karaoke bar, and she was completely surprised by the event. Just like that, drinks were flowing and music was blasting.

Y/N sat close to a wall, biding her time until she could walk over to Mel and wish her a happy birthday.

Then she could get out of here.

“Who’s next?! Who’s next?!” Santos laughs into the mic, tipsy and buzzing with excitement as she sets up the next song.

‘I need a hero’ by Bonnie Tyler…

Y/N wants to seep into the wall behind her. And when Santos makes eye contact with her, she definitely wants to bolt..

“Let’s go, mouse! You’ve got some lungs on you or what?” Santos snickers as she walks over with the mic. With the way Y/N stiffened, you’d think the microphone was a gun.

“Oh. No. Sore throat..” Y/N tries.

“Boo! Sing!” Santos says into the mic. “Sing! Sing! Sing!” She begins to chant, the party joining her, and Y/N can feel a tightness begin on her shoulders. She shakes a bit as she realizes she has only two options now. Make things awkward for everyone, or just give in..

As she puts on a fake smile, hand reaching for the mic, a hand grabs it first. “I know you did not just put on my song and then try and overlook me..” Jack says into the mic after grabbing it.

A few party people laugh at that and Santos smiles big as she cheers him on. He gives Y/N a slight wink. One that shows he’s got her. Y/N feels her shoulders slump a bit as she watches Jack get up on stage to start singing, making a big show out of it.

The crowd is so distracted by his performance, that Y/N can easily grab her jacket and give Mel a passing goodbye and ‘happy birthday’ before she leaves outside, breathing in the fresh air and getting far from the noise. She debates leaving, but… She stays put.

And to this day, she’s glad she did.

Jack had come out with some water for her. The two sat on the curb outside the bar and Jack didn’t speak.

He waited.

Waited till Y/N felt like she could actually handle a conversation.

“Thanks. For that.” She mutters.

“Don’t thank me. I’m a Bonnie Tyler super fan..” Jack states in a dry tone that makes Y/N debate if he’s joking or not. Until he smirks at her. Then she giggles.

“I’m Jack, by the way..” He finally says. She smiles a bit.

“Y/N…” She whispers.

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Now enjoy these headcanons:

• Jack and Y/N’s first date wasn’t the cliche dinner date or movie night. Jack knew by this point that Y/N liked the simple aspects of life. So.. He tried to deliver. A cooking night in at her place. He had shown up with the ingredients and a promise to make her his famous pasta dish. Music played from his phone as he and Y/N made the sauce and pasta from scratch, talking the entire night and just enjoying the quiet peace.. •

• Jack learned the hard way that Y/N won’t say when she’s feeling overstimulated or drained while out somewhere. Jack is always the life of the party, so Y/N wants him to enjoy himself as much as possible. But she always gets to a breaking point sooner or later.. It actually caused their first ever fight two months into their relationship because Jack wanted her to start telling him these things.. He’d constantly say things like “I’m only having as much fun as my girlfriend is.” and “I hate seeing you like this..” •

• To fix this, Jack taught Y/N certain hand signals to use instead of her words. At first, she hesitated, thinking he wouldn’t notice her ‘subtly’ do it, but to her surprise, the first time she used a hand signal while out with friends, Jack stood right up and excused him and Y/N to go outside for a minute… •

• The hand signals were simple enough. Rubbing her chest in a circular motion, even slightly, showed Jack she needed a minute or two outside. Tugging her right earlobe twice meant she could go another ten minutes or so before she’d want to leave. Tugging her left earlobe? Oh, that meant she needed to go now. She rarely used that gesture though, because Jack was always attentive to the breaks she’d need.. •

• Jack always sits next to her while out with friends. His hand is constantly on her lower back, lazily rubbing as he focuses on the conversations around him. Sometimes he’ll put his hand flat on the middle of her back just to get a feel of her breathing patterns. If it’s too quick for his liking, he knows they need to step out.. •

• Unless they’re going out with friends or family, it’s rare that they hang out at restaurants or bars. Their date nights are usually either spent inside or sometimes in lowkey places. Bookstores, cafés, record shops. Hell, Jack’s mindset has always been ‘if you like them enough, anything can be a date’. So sometimes, he even counts the grocery store trips you guys take as a date.. •

• Y/N gets flustered at PDA, and Jack loves PDA. They’ve found common ground by doing small things. Instead of holding hands, they hook pinkies. Instead of him constantly grabbing at her waist, which is something he loves to do, she just stands close enough to him so that she can feel his body against hers. Instead of kissing, he just stares at her lips until she sheepishly gives a small air kiss which he happily accepts.. •

• When Y/N does get a low social battery, Jack knows exactly what she needs now. Quiet and comfort. He’ll get her home, run her a bath, and let her settle in to the much needed silence. He won’t speak, he won’t push her. And when she’s all done in the bath, he’ll just lay next to her while she rests. He won’t hold her, knowing she’s still trying to find her footing. He doesn’t want to suffocate her. But when she’s ready, she snuggles into him.. •

• Sometimes, Jack loves playing a little game with Y/N that he likes to call.. ‘how flustered can I make her’. Pet names, subtle touches to her hips and waist, winking at her. Whatever he can do to get her face as red as an apple. Usually done while at work because then he can snicker to himself when she finally fusses at him. He likes to playfully tease her, but he still respects her outlook on PDA, so obviously he doesn’t do it with a lot of people around.. •

• Jack loves whenever Y/N gets overly excited about something because the volume to her voice raises and it’s a rare moment that he can see.. her. The real her. The her that not many can say they know well. But he can. One night, while they were discussing the movie they just finished watching on the living tv, Y/N laughed loud without meaning to. She covered her mouth and Jack just smiled at her. “Thank you…” He finally whispered after a passing minute. “For what?” Y/N asked sheepishly. “For allowing me this…” Jack muttered before carefully kissing her forehead.. •

“you’re excited. i’m doing this for you. cmon, we’re gonna be late.” you’re quick out the door, hating the way he’s confronting you head on. it’s awkward, to you. “yes ma’am, i just…” he sighs as he locks the door. “i just hope you didn’t get glammed up because you think it’ll..make them like you more, or something. you’ve been here long enough, they like you just how you are. you’re everyone’s friend.”

he’s looking at you lovingly at the door, you hate this shit. this confrontation of feelings, it’s change. no one likes change. and you don’t like when he talks to you like this. like something more than what you guys are. “okay.” you turn away from him and walk on your way, Jacks not far behind you, but he doesn’t force anymore conversation out of you. he wants you to have a good day.

you have a lot/hate relationship with the attention you’re getting tonight, people are always trying to talk to you, even with the resting bitch face you never let falter. and you don’t necessarily care, but you’re feeling how..nice, everyone is being. “Scalpel.” you reach without taking your eyes off your patient, Mateo handing it to you quickly.

“you look different.” he whispers, it makes your eyes flicker at him. “stop talking. i’m busy.” “don’t let me stop ya’ sadness, m’just sayin’. you look pretty.” he says, and you don’t give another word as you carefully pull at your incision, though your ears fall hot at the comment.

you’re at your desk charting when parker abruptly plops in a seat next to you, making you jump. “so, you’re coming? for real this time?” she smiles, eyes wide with anticipation. you nod slow, eyes narrow at her. “ahh, good! good, what’re you craving?” “you..guys don’t already have something picked?”

“well no, it’s never really one place. sometimes it’s dunkin, hardee’s, that long branch spot down the street.” you grimace, “mmm…let’s do anything but dunkin. i was supposed to see some dude about a date there yesterday and bailed, so i’m avoiding it.” you shrug and then wave your plain bottled water, your replacement for your usual dunkin order.

more than three words. parker doesn’t think she’s ever heard this actual calm, conversational tone from you.

dr. Abbot and Shen watch from afar, to them it looks like you’re…having a conversation. that’s..not forced at gunpoint. with Parker. and you look to be enjoying yourself even. “what could they be talking about??” Jack mutters, arms crossed over his chest. you smile a little at something she says as she gets up to leave, and he has to internally put his old man heart back together.

“probably..torturing the souls of the innocent. maybe that’s why they both smiled.” Shen jokes as Parker comes up, voice low so you wouldn’t hear them boasting about you. “i got like…forty words out of her. consecutively. new record.” she gets a secret handshake out if your eyesight from Jack, both snickering along.

your night goes along smoothly, everyone’s trying to talk to you more than usual, and while it’s…interesting, you’re afraid you won’t have enough social battery left for breakfast. a flashy looking patient is pulled in by a the paramedics, and you, Jack and another resident jump on it.

“friend says his name is anthony, early 20s with a swollen eye and busted lip, bar fight and fell on the head but is mostly responsive.” your medic says, and you flash a light in the patients eye. “pupils responsive, what’s up Anthony i’m Dr. [last name], can you hear me?” Jack has his eyes on you as you take lead, and neither of your superiors interrupt you.

“yeah. my head hurts,” it comes out garbled after a groan, “I’m sure it does, heard you got into a nasty argument. you hurt your neck or anything?” “nah, just my head. my lip too. you should see the other guy though,” he says, and you give a short giggle and smile as you lift his head to assess the blood loss. “well he’s probably not that far behind you. me, dr. Abbot and Dr. Toomarian are gonna patch you up, ok? can you move your jaw?”

Jack thinks he couldn’t fall more in love with his profession, but watching you interact and care for your patients, something you’d never do for yourself, ignites something in him. he knows he’s getting attached to you, he’s no longer fighting it. and he knows that one day, you’re not gonna need him anymore, and that you’re gonna take care of yourself. probably find a nice partner too.

but for now, you’re his sleepy eyed, shut in little girl. and right now, he’s quizzing you. “Dr. [last name] why won’t we check his mouth first? what if he has a broken tooth or split tongue?” he asks you as you clean the wound around your patients head. “because he’s on risk for possible concussion, and a black eye that could lead to an infection of we don’t treat it fast enough. let’s do 3 of morphine, hold on anything else until his intox levels go down, wouldn’t want to send him into shock.”

he watches you multitask, almost stopping in his own place as he smiles, adoration clear on his face. “excellent work, lets do it.” he says low, it’s only for you.

when you walk out, your colleagues are patting you on the back, wishing you good job on your patient. you give everyone short smiles before dropping your face, walking away from the scene of the main area and a little towards bay, shaking your hands and steadying your breathing. “you feelin’ ok?” Jack checks in on you, and you don’t know what your face tells him, but whatever it is, he feels the need to worry.

“yeah, yeah. just need to cool off.” you assure, though your flustered expression doesn’t falter. he gives you a really? look before ushering you out, and you sigh feeling the cold air of the night. “you know i know you. what’s wrong, sweetheart.” he’s not asking, but you know he’s not demanding either. he knows how loud things can get in your head.

“m’fine, really. just a little overstimulated. everyone’s on me today.” you’ve got a worried look on your face, like there’s more you wanna blurt out. because they feel sad for me, because i’m wearing my face, because i haven’t been out with them in years, because—“well yeah, they’re excited to hang out with you, no biggy. you’re ok.” he assures, rubbing at your arms, and you let yourself relax, nodding with a sigh. it’s a short way of telling you you’re ok, no one’s gonna bite you, they all love you. we’re all friends.

“yeah, i’m ok. i’m fine, i dunno why i’m..being weird. my batteries low already and i’m hungry, and i didn’t finish my show yesterday so—” “you’re okay honey. i promise.” he whispers, and you nod again. you’re overthinking, like always. “you wanna stay outside some more? ill leave you alone, just find me when you come back.”

he doesn’t hug you (not here at least, you’ve told him many times how public displays of affection gross you out), but he rubs your shoulders, love in his eyes. “and…you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. if you’re not up to it, that’s fine. we’ll all go together another day.” “no i-i want to, i do, i’m just…i dunno. i haven’t been out with them in forever and i don’t want it to be like some pity thing. but i wanna go out.”

his face contorts, disbelief that turns into sadness/sympathy. “why would it be pity?? they love you in there, talk about you all the time. you’re a great doctor, and you’re still their great friend, even if things aren’t..so good for you right now.” it’s never an easy topic, how depression affects friendships. because it wasn’t always like this. and you don’t blame jack for dancing around it, wanting to protect your feelings.

“you think so?” “i know so, baby. nothings changed.” he shrugs. Jack couldn’t say he dealt with this sort of thing firsthand, with his own battles he never had much friends anyway, so the fact you take it so personally, being someone so nonchalant and emotionally shut off, it kills him. he’s known you long enough to see the decline you’ve been dealing with, hear how your friends outside of work talk to you less and less. he can’t deal.

you nod slowly, almost unsure. “we can go back in.” “yeah? you sure?” he asks, but you’re already slipping past him and inside. he doesn’t take it personally, you don’t like talking about your feelings too long.

before you know it, the day shift starts trickling in, and the suns coming up as well. you spend the last of your shift charting mostly, slipping off the headband that was most definitely giving you a bit of a headache and running at your edges on your forehead with a sigh.

“hey, pretty girl.” matteo leans down a little too close to your face with his signature smile, “you finishing up?” “yeah, barely even ten minutes left. we’re still going out, right? and we’re goin’ to hardee’s, right?” “is that what you want?” “i don’t want to go to dunkin.” “oh yeah, i heard. well, shen might not be too happy about that, but yeah. we can go there. you’ll sit by me?”

the low, cool look in his eyes makes you heat up a little as you nod, “yeah, yeah. if you want me to.” you give a small smile, eyes bouncing between him and Jack, who walks up with a bothered look on his face. “you done with charting?” he asks you, matteo straightening up at his presence.

“not yet, almost. i have two—” “well get to it then missy. matteo you wanna give me some input on a patient?” Jack nods his head behind him, his hands thatre we behind his back not budging. “of course, s’long as it doesn’t gross me out.” he jokes and follows Jack. you watch them leave, Jack doesn’t give you a second glance, unlike the other.

the small interjection of your conversation kind of threw you off, and you try not to think about it while charting, but the way Jack looked at you two, and then the way he cut you off rubs you the wrong way. you try not to look too into it, he is your attending after all.

you subtly wait for him while he speaks with Robby, taking longer than usual with rustling your things together, taking unreasonably long to pull off your scrubs top and shove it into your backpack. time would go faster if you were still friends with any of the day shift residents, you’d have one of them to talk to.

it’s not a clingey “because you like him” thing, you just…don’t wanna leave to meet the others outside until he does. these are your people, but they were his first. it’s just feel more comfortable for you. right. “you got anything left to do?” dr. shen appears at your side, sweeping his bag over his shoulder.

“no, just closing up shop now.” “cool, you and me and can wait for the others. and you can tell me about this guy.” he wraps his arm around you as he guides you away, your eyes flickering to Jack, though you keep walking. shen is probably the smartest person in the entire night shift rotation.

(he knew what you and Jack had going on. sure, he didn’t know every detail, but when you’re walking home together every morning, showing up in jackets that’re obviously too big for you, you get an idea. not to mention, Jack is so completely swooned over you every time you walk in a room, no matter how nonchalant he tries to seem. but i digress.)

“so he wasn’t cute??” “no,” you giggle, “like…he wasn’t ugly. just not my type, he was young, like definitely younger than me. and i didn’t like the way he dressed.” “how he dressed? god you’re picky.” “yeah he had those big stupid parachute lookin’ jeans and like..this stupid graphic tee with a wolf on it. you could tell he was young. i like men that’re put together. older.”

like Jack. “i see. so a dating life is out the window for you, i imagine?” “nah, i’m saving myself for Matthew Mcconaughey. he’ll come around.” you shrug playfully, a small smile on your faces. “right, right. because Mr. Mcconaughey is dying for a resident night shift doctor. he’s just playing hard to get.” shen says, as you guys share a laugh.

“hey, by the way you still like us, right?” he nudges you at the elbow, and your face turns sympathetic. “of course i do! why would you think that i didn’t?” “just had to make sure, your bedside manner isn’t exactly the friendliest, and it’s hard to tell when you look like you’re on the edge of a cliff. actually i personally don’t care about the rest of em, just had to make sure you still like me. right? you can tell me, i won’t be upset.” his voice comes low in a joking manner, one that makes you laugh again, makes you really laugh.

it’s refreshing. for you, for shen. for your fellow residents that soon meet you guys outside. for Jack, who, even though is still walking through chairs, could pick out your little laugh (that is probably hidden behind your hand) in the middle of a war zone. it lights him up inside. he remembers how just yesterday morning you were asking if they still want you around. of course they do.

“so where’re we goin’, pretty girl?” matteo asks you. it…disturbs Jack, though he tries to not let it show. everyone has their nicknames. and though yours wasn’t the nicest, it’s “sadness”. so why NOW he is calling you pretty girl? and are you into it? i mean, of course he is. you ARE a pretty girl. especially with the way your hair moves with the warm air of the morning. do you like that he—

“you comin’, sarge?” you call back, he didn’t even realize he’d been standing in thought, a few feet from where the group had stopped to check on him. “yeah, yeah. legs killin’ me, sorry.”

Jack hangs back behind the group watching you all converse, watching you look up at everyone, waiting for your turn to speak about whatever was being said. truthfully, he wasn’t listening. he tried, but all he could focus on was you, your movements, the way you twiddle with your pockets at your sides. the way you try not to walk so fast as everyone strolls leisurely, how you tuck your hair out of your face when you speak.

how you try and project your voice so everyone can hear you, but still ends up trailing low in your sentence, making whoever’s next to you lean in closer. he heard your smile in your words, your laugh rings through his ears, even if it’s from a crude joke on the other end of the setence.

“i’ll get us a table,” you say once you all head inside, and they turn to look at you. “you’re not gonna order?” parker asks, and you shake your head with a shrug. “no, i’m not that hungry. i’ve been babysitting a muffin all shift.” “not hungry? after fifteen hours.” she deadpans, making you stifle a giggle. “yeah, i’m good. just order me an orange juice. i’ll save you your seat,” you say to matteo, who smiles as you take his wildly heavy bag and walk over to a booth away from their eye sight.

Jack knows you better than that, though. he knows that you hate being watched while you eat (and he also knows you’re lying out your ass about whatever muffin you’re talking about). “she’s saving you a seat?” shen mutters amongst the group, waiting their turn to order. “because i wanna sit next to her. is that a problem?” “no, no. none here. just think it’s funny, seeing as ‘you don’t date coworkers’ and you’ve been calling her out her name all shift.” shen shrugs, subtly looking over to Jack, who pretends to eye the menu.

“i don’t date coworkers. and there’s nothing wrong with complimenting someone. she always looks pretty.” he grins with a shrug. “how come you don’t compliment me like that?” Jack nudged him with a jokey look before he steps up to order. it’s not getting to him, he swears to himself, to you internally. it’s why he’s joking, instead of telling him to shut the fuck up and keep his eyes to himself.

he doesn’t know why he has this problem. he knows you’re young, knows you’re a beautiful woman. you’ve got a lot of personality, lot to give even if you’re emotionally or mentally not ready to. of course you’re gonna be hit on, and sought after, especially by younger, hotter, more energetic men and women. you’re not gonna want this old, battered and bruised old man for long.

yet it still sets him off when he hears and sees it happening in real-time. seeing his stray cat being slowly coddled to. he thinks it’s something sick, wanting to keep you—“pancakes?” you interrupt his train of thought, and he couldn’t be happier. “jealous?” he perks up as he cuts them into tiny bits while you rest your head against your colleagues arm. oh, his sleepy sleepy girl.

“not at all, just didn’t think you’d have a sweet tooth this early.” you shrug, and it makes him smile small. he pours a small amount of syrup before holding up the fork, waiting for you to take it into your mouth, “s’not mine kiddo.” he says once you take the bite, pushing the plate your way.

you don’t like pda. but this, feeding you and staring down at you hungrily while you eye him with your big, sleep heavy eyes. (its not enough to make someone think oh they’re having sex. he’s inside her every night and making her cum so hard her leg cramps and they’re holding hands and…it’s not saying that. but it’s saying there’s a tension between you two. and that’s all he needs. the subtle..claim. the man is calculated.)

“dude if you weren’t hungry, why’d you come to breakfast?” parker asks, a laugh on her tongue. “i dunno. you guys invited me and i wanted to hang out. i don’t get out much anymore anyway.” you shrug, and Jack wants to laugh at your nonchalant act. same girl that was asking if they think she’s weird, by the way. “sweet, you’ll have to come next time.”

it’s something so simply said, but still makes you smile to yourself, your lips twitching as you fight a big toothy grin. Jack is quiet as ever throughout the conversation, yes because he doesn’t talk with his mouth full, but because he’s focused on listening to you. listening to your giggle, hold a calm conversation without a snarky remark.

trying not to watch you so closely while you run through your few talking quirks—bouncing your leg, playing with whatever was in your hand (this time, it’s your fork), playing with the tips of your hair, or combing it to the side, or tucking it behind your ear. looking down at your plate, playing with your sleeve (that’s replaced with matteo’s sleeve).

breakfast lasts longer than expected, by the time you guys stroll out you’re all yawning over yourselves. “i wanna see you next time. i’m picking the next spot.” parker punches at your shoulder, and you smile with a nod. “i’ll think about it. this was nice, though. thank you.” you say to no one in particular, but it’s felt by them all.

“have a good night, i’ll see you all later.” you wave, and now you’re the one that’s staying back to talk to talk while Jack slowly walks off. you stand close to him when you catch up, and he waits till he’s a few more feet to speak. “so?” is all he says, holding his bag tight on his chest. “it was..nice. i’m drained, though. that was a lot of energy, masking. i’m so tired too.” “thats okay,” he chuckled, rubbing the back of your head.

“i’m glad you had a good time. i liked that you enjoyed yourself, you need these moments. you’re going to the next one. we don’t do it every night, so you won’t need to..recharge as often.” “did you have a good time? you were quiet, your big mouth is never quite.” you look up at him, watching him nod hesitantly. “of course i did, i always have a good time with you. i was happy listening to you and stuff.” as well as he was silently spiraling out of his mind everytime he saw you playing footsies under the table.

“okay, thank you, again. for pushing me out the house. when we get to my place i wanna try this hair product, it’s an overnight curl thingy, i’ve seen girls do it and they come out nice and it’d make it so much easier…” he’s trying really hard to listen. swear. but all he’s thinking about is getting you in the bed, shoving your head into your pillow and plowing into you like there’s no tomorrow.

drilling into you and making you forget about the dunkin dude, and matthew mcconaugh-whatever, and matteo, and his nice grey-less hair, and handsome smile, and chiseled body and…whatever. wants to fuck you asleep because you’re his, you’re his girl, his stray cat, and you can’t leave him because he wouldn’t know what to do with himself but…you’re so tired. his girl is so sleepy.

and you’re drained from your nice breakfast with your friends. and he’s glad you’re tired from that rather than from your stressful shift. so—“i’ll help you do it then. i think it’ll look great, i like you with curls. is it something you found on the tiktok?” he asks, he knows it’s not “the tiktok”. but you always always laugh at the way he says it (because he’s an old fuck. he’s your old fuck) so he’ll say it every time.

and he’ll smile with all 36 teeth because of it every time. god help you both.