Unlabeling

Molly showed me what "awesome" really means. Though it tasted awful and took forever to kick in, I rolled for the first time at my first Burner party. You really have to experience to understand, but everything just became so beautiful. I was rolling from 3-7am. I just stopped being tired, and everything felt so good. I wore those glasses that create rainbows around light. That's when I felt it the most. ER's poi pods on the white strobe were my favorite. I couldn't stop staring at them. I cupped one in my hand for hours. ER took such great care of me the whole time, but I knew he would. I trust him so much and love every minute I spend with him. CB and JD (his other partner) call him their "dream man". I'm so with them. I can't even believe I met him, let alone am dating him. He has led me to so many new people and experiences. Life is so surreally wonderful now. I never knew I could be this happy and life could be this easy. No more anxiety, no more crappy people in my life hurting me, no more restrictions on me growing as a person, no more fitting myself into society's boxes. I'm just me being me with everyone. Thank you ER for introducing me to so much - kink, poly, molly and the people in your life. I am forever grateful.

ER & CB

I spent a whole weekend with SD and it was lovely. We cuddled and explored new food places together. It was great! He definitely showed me that I need to explore the city more. We also discussed relationship anarchy vs non-hierarchical non-monogamy. His interpretation was that you still draw a distinct line between partner and friend in non-hierarchical structures, but in relationship anarchy it's a fluid scale with no labels. I can see how these things differ in terms of labeling relationships, but to me anarchy sounds fleeting and non-committal. Since SD puts a lot of energy into every relationship he forms, I think there should be a better label for it. Relationship fluid, non-hierarchical, ethical non-monogamy?

I had such an interesting date with someone new - JJ. He was the first person I met at the poly meeting. We showed up at the same time and introduced ourselves downstairs before going up. I felt a really good energy from him, very calming. Apparently, he's much less calm once you get to know him (pretty sure this is me too). Admittedly this threw me, but he explained why he is like this. If you're a friend or more, you get an unfiltered version of him. This gives him the opportunity to get feedback from the people who he trusts, which makes so much sense! I definitely provided some unsolicited reflection for him when he got judgy, and he appreciated it. During our date, he made a great point about privacy and boundaries. It's not a bad thing if you ask to not hear details or ask to refrain from PDA when multiple partners are around. It's actually completely reasonable. This is something I need to keep in mind and discuss with the people I'm seeing, especially PB. I don't know what his feelings are on PDA with others. I want to do it and don't care if he does too, but that doesn't mean he feels the same way. JJ greeted me with a kiss, so I know he doesn't mind! He showed that he has emotions, feels comfortable expressing them, appreciates feedback, and wants to genuinely learn and grow. I think that's a rare combination. I really enjoy his company. Plus, I really want to play with him. I'm sure he'd love to hear that!

The whole PB conflict really threw me the other day and ended up affecting my professional life. I received an upsetting text right upon exiting the train on the way home, so I forgot to send an update of my progress for the day. This really pissed off my boss, and she sent a pretty intense email. Though it made me feel awful, it also snapped me into reality. I needed to update her on my life that I'd been hiding from her. During our regularly scheduled one-on-one, I finally told her. I was super hesitant because I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. She said "Then tell me as a friend." So I did. She was super understanding, and I think finally got why I've been so up and down the last couple months. It actually felt like I was coming out to her, which was awfully weird. Every other time I had been excited to share or hadn't seen the person in a while and wanted to tell them. I hid it from my boss for months and was afraid to tell her. I guess I need to figure out how polyamory and pansexuality fits into my professional life too, if at all.

MD a week after our date

I had my first polyamorous relationship conflict. Though PB has had open relationships in the past and read more on non-monogamy than I have, he has apprehensions. I was supposed to have a date with him when I got this text message: "... so I've been thinking about this a lot and noticing about how I'm like dragging my feet and stuff, and have come to the realization that I think, deep down, I'm not really into the whole polyamory thing as a lifestyle (for me). Like, maybe I'm ready to settle down with a girl? I don't know. But I do think we're at very different points in our life, and while I think you're amazing and wonderful and beautiful and intelligent and talented, maybe we should just be friends? I dunno, just throwing around ideas. Having a bit of a hard time with it to be honest." I thought I was getting dumped through a text message! I told him to talk to me because conversations like that should never be through text, so he called. We talked for over an hour. I poured my heart out, asking him questions and telling him how I felt. I really care about him and don't want to let him go. Finally, after a lot of listening to him figure things out, he explained his past relationships were unethical. I let him know that we all have pasts and baggage, but that it's not fair to put that on other people. I'm a different person at a different time. He agreed and the confusion of finally faded. We met up later that night. He was tired and pretty embarrassed by his immaturity and hurting my feelings, but we were glad we saw each other. It gave me the space to be affectionate and show him who he was hurting - someone he cared about and who cares about him. He told me on my roof that he wanted to get to know me and my past more (I had mentioned some things about my family during the "we all have baggage" part of our conversation). I really want to open up more to him - It just provides so much context into how I ended up being me. I love sharing my story and want to hear his. So even if that text sucked, I'm glad it happened. Sometimes our past can come up and threaten our present and our future, but it's how you ultimately confront those moments that shows what kind of person you are. He was so genuine, reflective, and felt so sincerely awful for hurting me that I decided he is definitely someone I want to keep in my life. PB - I love who you are, and I'm sincerely open to falling for you. I can't wait to get to connect more and see what happens next.

He is kinky too, but we agreed we both have a lot more to learn. We may take classes together, which would be so much fun! I’d feel so comfortable learning about kink with him. I really like him and trust him. I can’t wait to get to know him more.

So there was a second meeting with the poly community, but it was specifically focused on kink this time. There were fewer people but many familiar faces. It was great to be back in an accepting space and learn some new things. I actually brought my roommate along (a monogamous non-kinky girl). She said it was really interesting and that she learned a lot. I'm glad I can share my life with her and not feel like I have to hide it at home. I really appreciate her openness more than she knows. Overall, the meeting went well, but when another member started telling a personal story, ER was triggered and started crying. Immediately, all the mermaids surrounded him to comfort him outside. I want him know that I'm here for him and how much I care. I love ER - maybe not romantically, but at least as a friend. He's such a sweet, genuine, and caring person. It hurt me to see him hurting. After that incident, things got a lot better. I socialized more, cozied up to ER and MD. CB played with my hair and touched my back. I was too nervous to do anything back. I'm such a newbie with girls. And afterward, I took a walk and grabbed dinner with SD and JM and got myself with a date with SD. He gives THE MOST AMAZING HUGS EVER. I couldn't not hang out with him. I really feel like a part of a community. I'm trying to make sure I meet people outside it though. I don't want to close myself off.

I had the most amazing experience with someone from work the other day. A girl named RH and I had lunch together. She asked me right out if I was gay because she saw the rainbow sticker on my computer. Boy am I glad I bought it! I told her I was pansexual - probably the first time I've introduced myself with that label. Her response? "That's awesome!" It startled me a bit, but she went on to explain that she recently relabeled herself as bi and is seeing a girl. The next few hours was her opening up to me about how she has known since she was young and how she decided to just go for it in the past few week after she broke up with her boyfriend. We talked about our experiences and a bit about polyamory too. It was so nice to connect with someone who is in the same self-discovery period as I am and give my perspective on what I've learned. She's still very much "in the closet" as she put it. She explained how her family would not be accepting. I can't even imagine what that feels like to have to hide who you are and burry it so deeply for so long. My journey has been different. I just didn't know, so it wasn't coming out of the closet for me as it was stepping into the light. I wasn't hiding; I just wasn't looking. So I gave her my number and let her know she has a friend in me. The strange thing is though that I had a feeling she liked women... Or maybe it was a hope since I'm attracted to her. I don't think it's a good idea or actually going to happen, but I may ask her on a date in the future. At the very least, we become better friends.

So, I definitely have a crush on a girl now. I had my first date with CB, one of ER's partners. I was a bit nervous and tired, but I think I made a good impression regardless. She is not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside. I had such a fun time chatting with her and getting to know her more. My next date is going to be with her and ER. I'm interested to see what they're ultimately looking for. Was this the plan all along or just happened to work out this perfectly?

Me: heteronormativity