My Poly Experience

Another disappointment tonight. I think that I was able to salvage the friendship, but it seems like ever chance at an "outing" gets messed up by outside sources. The 3 of us was supposed to go out tonight and get to know each other so to speak. However, as disappointing as that is I refuse to let that ruin the night for my wife and I. 

In an attempt to protect my relationship, I ended up breaking the heart of a sweet individual. To make matters worse, I'm not sure how to, or that I even can fix it. I'm feeling like such an asshole.

So, an update. The wife and I have decided to take a bit of a break from outside relationships. We’re focusing on us for a while. I get that this is a good thing to do being as we’re both “single” at the same time. However I have to admit, I’m beginning to feel a bit “lonely”. I’m not sure how else to put it. I love my wife with all of my heart, but I’m missing the poly part of our relationship too. 

It’s very easy to feel overwhelmed. Trying to remember how important it is to choose that I CAN control my reactions while both home life and work life seem to be attacking at the same time.

So, today is my birthday. Found this on my desk this morning. Along with breaking 100 followers. I didn’t expect to get half that to be honest. I only planned to document, vent, or share my thoughts. Thanks for the support everyone, I love you. When I get off I get to ruin my diet with truffle brownies (because cake is overrated), rotisserie chicken, and sweet potato fries. I hope everyone’s day is as amazing as this.

Yesterday, I received a message from my ex. It was honestly innocent enough. I couldn't respond at first. I didn't know how to. Knowing that she was just at my finger tips scared me. I still have feelings for this girl. So after awhile, in so many words, I told her just that. At first, it was "I still think about you, am I ever on your mind?" then it became the standard, "how have you been?" After it was all said and done, I don't know what I am supposed to feel in this situation. Obviously, I still miss her. And to be completely honest, if things were just a little different, I'm sure that I would take her back into my life. Odin knows that I want her to be. With all of that aside, my heart just feels confused.  

When your walking down the balloon aisle in a store, you walk through the mass amount strings that are hanging down from the balloons and realize that you're tall enough that they're to at least you're sholders, but you're not young enough to enjoy it.

Today has been somewhat eventful. I got some things around the house done that I have been putting off. I played some regular Nintendo games with my son. Went to the award ceremony for my daughter. Each child got a personal achievement to go along with the awards that they've earned by the teacher. A little something extra about what makes each child stand out from the rest. She received most creative. No surprise to me at all, and I couldn't be happier. The we ended the fighting off swarms of "mayflies". Now I'm ousting my little girl to sleep then headed for a shower. Perhaps some snuggles from with the wife and blackish after that. Goodnight folks.

Happy Mommy’s Day. To all the great mothers, mommies, & moms out there. To the moms that stepped up and stepped in when other mothers couldn’t or wouldn’t. To the multiple moms in a single family that work together give their littles everything they need. To the stepmoms that came into a little’s life and is just as much of a mommy as the “real thing”. To all of you that put forth all of their everything, day in, day out. And that goes to the daddy’s too. The ones that are both father & mother to their littles. I hope that your day was amazing. You don’t shouldn’t have just one day to feel special because you are special each and every day that you wake up and do what you do for your littles. I love you all

Today is just getting home. We went on a hiking trip today. Well, sort of. we drove about three and a half hours to do about maybe 2 hours of active walking. There was a bridge out so we couldn’t complete the hike. But we saw some nice things and the littles had fun mostly. So it’s not all bad. Now it’s time for baths, a little food and bed. Good night folks.

So, here I am. Sitting here after just putting my daughter to sleep. My wife is out on a date with her companion, and I'm sitting here typing this. And that's fine. I'm kind of excited to hear if her night was a good one. At the same time, it's been about a month since my breakup and I'm beginning to feel that I need to start seeing someone agian. Not because I'm jealous of my wife. Although, if I'm being honest with myself, I kinda am. That's not the point. I feel like I'm ready now. A few weeks ago I got a call from my ex. She told me something, less than satisfactory. Not only that, I got the blame for it. Needless to say she was not all to happy as she spoke with me. The thing is, even though the thing that I am being blamed for isn't at all my fault. I'm still not mad at her. Maybe this is what she needed to be able to move past the hurt of what happened. Now, I still love this girl, so if that's what she needed to be able to move on, then so be it. Now with all of this, yes it hurt to be the lightning rod for her anger. But now that I'm finally getting over that hurt, I think that I'm ready to accept the feelings of another person. I've put some thought into it, and I'm not going to seek out a girlfriend. I want to have a connection with someone and see where it leads. Granted I wasn't exactly looking for a girlfriend last time either. This time I think that if I notice feelings brewing with someone that I will let them know this. Not saying that if this person is looking for a boyfriend, and would like for me to fill this position, that I would turn then down. But what I think that I want is more of a partner. No labels. Let things happen the way happen. If this person fits better as a cuddle buddy, then this partner shall be my cuddle buddy. Or a fwb, or simply just a friend that I enjoy the company of. Now there are a couple of people that I'm talking to. I'm not quite sure what their rolls in my life are right now, but I'm excited to find out. One of them is very new and we've only talked online. Another I've been talking to for a while and have only seen for short once for a short time. Then there's the last that has been around in a way that I knew, I just didn't realize that I might like her in this way until very recently. We've talked and messaged for a while but until somethings have been said to me, it made me sit down and think about it. Hopefully things will work out soon, and for the best. For everyone that's reading this I thank you and also "gold star" I don't know that I could have stuck to out this long. I appreciate your attention, even if I don't get "followed" or even " liked"

While I have been having my share of issues, I've come the the realization that while I can not control the things that happen to me, I can control the way I react and go about handling it. I know that this will be hard to change, but at least I have acknowledged there is another way to go about doing things rather than being angry, sad, depressed or just flat out down and out. I need to be a better person not only for myself, but for my Littles, my wife, and my future partners. It's been a hard thing to look at myself and see me the way that I am. Also that my emotions have an impact on my family. I don't want to be cause of their being down. I need to be a better person so that I can be there for them in a more positive way, even with normal everyday life. A good attitude can spread and make their day better. I need to be the kind of person that can do that . I want to be that person my family can look up to.

Had a nice unscheduled dinner date with the wife. After we went for a drive and listened to some music. (at least that’s what she calls it) Nothing really fancy, but we enjoyed each others company. And sometimes that all you need.