Anonymously Stupid

Everytime something goes wrong I end up here, spilling things I can't say to people around me to strangers who will never know me, I'm always stuck sinking when shit goes wrong, reminded of the words of the only people I used to think of as my friends, "go to hell" stuck wondering if I could just pass away and go to hell like they said to me, wonder if that where I'm supposed to be, burning for eternity, if im as horrible as they say, when I'm struggling to breathe and feel like a victim I wonder if I'm really the enemy and should I be drowning myself with them. Till I'm burning for eternity. Every relationship ends with them cheating and leaving me, trust is hard to see anymore, my heart feels so raw, stuck wishing for someone I can't have, a girl who's made me feel safe like never before but she's occupied, always in a relationship, she's more beautiful than a man like me should be seen with, I'm just a guy to be kept under the covers, the only place I have expertise, under the covers, the only thing women love me for when all I want is someone to hold and give my everything to, I love with my whole when they only want one thing, everything else from me is too much, too much for them to handle, too much to process and they can't stand me, only loving me beneath the sheets. I'm stuck drinking, trying to not be stuck thinking, dreaming, of a future that's not for me, a happy family. But it's not for me, I'm doomed to burn for eternity, and only be loved for the power I hold beneath the sheets, they don't want a loving embrace or heart filled confessions, they only want what's below my waist. Stuck drinking away my nights, wondering whats the point to this life if I can't have my happy family and all these women just betray me.

Feeling like they just don’t give a shit about me anymore

I miss how we used to be, I’m not quite sure what went wrong, I know the problems I have, and what I’ve don’t, I drink to hide my problems but not nightly, I smoke my cigarettes and hide my feelings, I’m not sure how to be unguarded but I don’t feel like you’re understanding me, yet you understand me better than I do myself and it’s ugly. I’m ugly. I shouldn’t be surprised, I shouldn’t be so sad, I’m not a good man, I’ve never been, but lord knows I want to be and I’m trying desperately. If you aren’t my future then my future is a life full of chasing Adrenaline and happiness for eternity

I feel hopeless, how am I supposed to love her from afar when she asks for space, when my heart and brain are only left on her, how do I give space when she’s all that keeps me going, how do I let her go when she’s the only thing I’m left holding.

Full disclosure: I know I’ve done wrong, don’t we all know when we fuck up? But I’m being better, I’m trying

I really want to die but the logical side of me realizes how expensive funerals are and how much I’d fuck up the people I care about so I cannot die and therefore I’m stuck living in this prison of life

Sometimes I look in the mirror. And I know my hand but yet not my face. My face feels so unnatural unreal. But my hand. I know it. It is my own. Each crevice each mark each scar. And I wish to find the other that molds with it.

Sometimes life feels so utterly pointless. When every day is a question of will someone message you first, when will I get the chance to feel happy again. When the only thing you look forward to is your next high or your next meaningful conversation where you actually. Feel happy. Loved.