get loud, get ugly

the worst part is the drop. after the I'm-gonna-die adrenaline, when it's just you and the cooling sweat on your palms and they're wondering what the fuck is the matter with her, when you realize you're not even afraid of dying you're just afraid of being killed. statistics, testimonials, you know survivors are three times as likely to be victimized again and the chances rise with every incident you are a self fulfilling prophecy you are disappearing doom scrolling breaking into abandoned buildings a desperate attempt at breaking the monotony like the past still lives there playing a drum set some hero learned songs on, long since forgotten. leave the windowpane on the floor, a big black gap. watch the cameras, watch your back, watch your reflection in the cracked mirror coming closer and closer as you stand perfectly still. this is the bathroom you cried in this is the hallway where you spoke to his sister the last time when the fluorescent lights still flickered like we all had all the time this is where someone last believed in things you'll never become . talk too much, bite your tongue, ash a cigarette in the sink (no keys clanking down the hallway, no bells, now under the hand drawn yearbook posters time is something soft, sinuous, silent, slithering, alive) stare at buckets on the floor of the old supply closet. you can run but the hallway keeps getting longer and the doors lock behind you every turn you take.

not anxious not avoidant but a secret third thing (so obsessive I become physically ill at the thought of reciprocated emotions)

ill give a fuck about men's mental health when I get paid back every cent I spent on X-rays and physical therapy and shrink therapy and nicotine and advil by the schizophrenic who tried and failed to beat me to death when i was 18.

I've done so much crazy shit with my hair that the most crashout coded way for me to wear it now is to grow it out and leave my natural color alone

unfortunately it is that deep and I do give a fuck and it is that serious and always will be

Too old to still be suicidal too young to become resigned to my conditions... Perfect time to become rage filled and manically self destructive!!!!!