So spontaneously.

Out of nowhere.

He was there.

Someone I can’t imagine ever existing without.

Everything I have ever wanted.

I am at a loss.

There is no one in the world that I want to spend so much time with.

I’ve never felt this way, I always wanted to go home, wanted to be alone.

I would do anything to be with him.

Magnetized.

Shattered.

I…have never ever, ever in my life felt this way.

I didn’t think I was capable of feeling this way.

I began to think this feeling was a myth, a dream that I was naively trying to make come true.

I thought I might be missing something, forever.

But oh my god.

He described it as being hit by a truck,

“Have you ever been hit by a truck?”

My answer to his question is no,

But when I look into his eyes I wonder if maybe I just was.

Suddenly…after just a fortnight,

I can’t imagine my life without him.

I can’t imagine anyone I would have more fun with,

Anyone I would find more beautiful.

I can’t remember what my life was like when he wasn’t in it.

And when he puts his arms around me,

I feel like I might explode,

It feels like home.

He makes me feel so comfortable in a way I have never in my life experienced.

And honestly…

For the first time ever, in a way I could never have imagined;

Everything that happened before this is suddenly…insignificant.

None of it matters.

None. Of. It.

I never, ever thought I could feel like this.

I’ve never met anyone I liked more…

He’s…fucking beautiful.

And he tells me I am, he has no idea that I think he might be the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.

I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Not anymore.

In fact most days you don’t exist to me.

But today…

I spent all day deleting your pictures, your texts,

I threw away all your clothes, stuff, and gifts.

It only took me three years,

And I feel…empty.

It’s weird. So weird.

It still hurts, in a weirdly specific way.

It’s not all consuming or crippling anymore,

But it’s sore, like a very old wound that flairs up when it’s about to rain.

And honestly, that ache disgusts me.

I hate that there is any remaining feeling.

And I know one day it won’t be that way, and you will be a far, far, distant memory that I struggle to even remember.

But right now I still feel the remaining ache where the stitches were.

And I know I have to remember it’s okay to FEEL,

I have to feel.

That’s the only way through.

But at the end of the day,

I’m moving forward, I’m letting you go.

And maybe that’s because of my past,

My trauma.

I’m used to being…belittled…

I’ve always been a shy person,

But after that awful relationship I’ve noticed I tend to make myself even smaller.

It’s not the same as it used to be,

I don’t feel…suppressed anymore.

It’s more like…

The fear is ingrained in me.

Sometimes I realize that he really hated me didn’t he?

At least he treated me like he did, made me feel like he did.

That’s crazy to me now, when I feel a love so pure and strong.

I feel…worshiped, and sometimes that really difficult for me to accept.

Freaks me out just a bit.

But I’ve noticed even in this beautiful relationship and even with my closest friends…I try my best to be easy to be around, easy to please, never upset.

Never angry, never sad, never hurt.

And if I do feel those things…

Well those feelings are just for me.

I have an extremely hard time communicating negative feelings, sometimes I feel like I’m only allowed to feel positive ones.

At least, that’s all I’m allowed to show.

And there’s so many reasons I can think of…

For 8 years I had to be perfect for that monster.

I had to make sure to never upset him, never inconvenience him.

And then after…I was so so broken, everyone was so worried…so burdened by me,

I never want to do that to them again.

I guess what I think about it,

I am the only one responsible for my emotions, and no one except me has the power to make myself feel better.

It’s a constant battle I think…