kindasad

So what are we? I can’t do this seeing eachother/ talking bullshit. I can’t be in the grey area with you anymore, I’ve had enough of it. You want me? Take all of me. You’re not sure what you want? Good fucking bye. Im not here to wait for you while you figure out what you want. If you have to think twice about being with me, I won’t make your decision any harder, I will leave. And when I leave, I will take all of my 3am phone calls and drunk texts. I’ll take back every I love you, I miss you and wish you were here. There will be no more late nights together. No more sharing the blankets, no more kisses to sleep, no more waking up in your arms. When I leave, I will leave you empty. I pity the girl who tries to take my place, because I will always be the one who got away. Your first major fuck up. Your hardest lesson learnt. I will leave such an imprint on your heart that she won’t be able to kiss you without tasting me.

It’s sad to think that we stop ourselves from running back to the only person who feels like home and the only person who our heart desperately wants because we’re terrified that they’ll destroy us all over again.

You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shovelled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for.

Every girl has that one boy who she breaks her rules for. All the boundaries you put up all of sudden disappear when it comes to him.

Here’s what happens when you sleep with your ex: 1. The kiss is your favourite flavour, but something is missing. You kiss harder, like you’re trying to pour the memories of your lives into his heart. 2. You forget about your brokenness. All you can think about is the way his hands feel against your body. 3. Suddenly, it feels like you've gone back in time and everything is exactly as it should be. There are the same instincts to which you've grown accustomed and the same part of the bed frame for which you grab. You get lost in the sameness. 4. Memories filter through your heart and play behind your eyes. It feels right to hold onto him because in the past, you never thought you’d have to let go. 5. And then, it’s over. 6. Then, the silence begins. Of course, words can fill it, but you’ll never hear the words you want to hear. You’re deaf to the small talk. 7. Things come to an end. You’ll do anything to stay; he’ll do anything to leave. 8. You convince yourself you saw a flicker in his eye, that this was more than winding sheets and long met needs. 9. Slowly, you start to put the wall back up as you notice the stranger before you. There’s the recognizable body with the freckles on his shoulder, but a soul you can’t reach. 10. So, you get dressed. You put on clean clothes but feel the dirt of regret already sinking in. You try to act cool when all you want to do is have your picture back on the night-stand, where it belongs. 11. Then, you leave.

You swore to yourself that you’d never give in. You convinced yourself you were strong enough to resist breaking down into tears, yet sometimes, the love you have for someone is just too resilient. That love still courses through your veins and you still breathe in the heartbreak, whether the smile you wear hides it or not.

I will miss you always, even in the moments when you are right beside me. Time apart has planted longing inside me and I do not think it is a weed that will ever stop growing. It will always live there, but my god, it grows the most spectacular flowers.

Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you loved to swim.

The truth is, I left a piece of me in a piece I gave you.

No, we didn’t date. Technically he wasn’t an ex-boyfriend. But he was an ex-something, an ex-maybe. An ex-almost.

If you’re going to leave, I wish you’d just leave. You know I’m weak and that I’d throw everything away to be with you. So please stop coming back and making me feel alive and then burning me to the ground the next morning when you decide to ignore my text.