Somewhere In neverland

it absolutely makes sense to me why this would evoke a much deeper reaction and sense of betrayal than even when ruben was sent to prison the first time. while ruben made threats to niall that first time because of his 'betrayal', he moved on and didnt carry through with them, even when he was still bitter. while this time he has also lost everything in his life -- his mother, his child, mona, and even niall again because of his betrayal. and as much as ruben claims to take responsibility for his actions in this episode, we also see how he continues to engage in the same behaviors and continually blames others for provoking his violence, just the same as he did when he was young. so of course this time he will take it further, will actually try to kill niall, because ruben can't accept that his own actions have led to his life being shitty, and just like niall has been blaming his internal homophobia and his shitty life on ruben, ruben blames his violence and his shitty life on niall and niall's wrongdoings towards him.

i also noticed how when ruben confesses how his father sexually abused him, and how he had physical reactions to it and had complex feelings surrounding it, niall kinda withdrew from him. and it really brought to mind how ruben kinda did something similar to niall in a way, by basically forcing him to have sex with mona, and later on in the hospital, and at several points by groping him and just general borderline or straight up sexual harassment. neither of them mention this but i think that is a big reason why niall ends up not wanting to hear about everything -- not because he is dismissive of sexual assault, but because ruben's words bring to mind the same things he feels about ruben. and even when niall confesses being gay, he still will not vocalize how he feels about ruben, that is still the boundary that cannot be crossed, until it is finally crossed in the last moments of the show, and when niall is the ultimate victim of ruben's violence.

and while i dont think niall wanted to die per se, he is willing to walk into that barn with ruben likely knowing what will happen to him. even when he could have taken so many other steps to diffuse the situation, like calling the cops, or just not going into the barn with ruben, he always was going to do what ruben wanted. he is reckless, because he craves rubens presence and attention even when he should stay away. like niall said, it's a chemical addiction; even when niall has been away from him for years and hasn't chased him down like he did in episode 4, he is drawn right back in, and he can't resist ruben.

+

with niall it isn't like that at all. ruben doesn't make niall ugly. he suffocates him in a near mimicry of that night in episode one, where ruben had him from behind, arm looped around his throat—something that could almost be mistaken for a hug, for the illusion of comfort. but in the barn, ruben is on top of niall, face-to-face, hands covering his mouth; no pretending now, no darkness left to hide in.

and i think that's what makes the scene feel so uniquely horrifying. strangulation is intimate in a way his other violence never is; it requires proximity, duration, and effort—both hands, full weight, sustained contact, close enough to feel the body give. and ruben makes it a point to maintain eye contact throughout; the effect is almost consummatory: the final collapse of thirty years of obsession, dependency, repression, and need into one unbearably finite act of closeness.