vent blog.

i can't help but constantly feel worthless. how can i move forward like this? the thoughts tumble through my head. what can i do? i don't know. i don't think i've ever known. the world keeps spinning; time keeps passing. trying for anything seems useless. i can't achieve greatness. not that amounts to anyone else's. i can't help but think it'd be better if i were to die. remove myself from this world and better the lives of everyone else who has to stay in my presence.

i wish i could get the words out. it's like everytime i open my mouth to speak only air comes out. it doesn't matter how desperate i am. the wall between me and everyone else gets thicker. i can't help but sink into my own misery, dwell on it. i never think twice about how i'm doing most of the time. i get moments where my eyes prickle tears, a shock of pain through my body, and a realization that something isn't quite right. yes, that's it. something upset me. a minor inconvenience most of the time, i'd say, not a big deal. blink once. blink twice. inhale. exhale. it's fine. put on some music. it's fine. "daydream, talk to your boyfriend, play video games, do something. it's fine as long as you can't think." yes, a normal day, right? at least avoiding responsibilities doesn't grant much guilt anymore. hah. i'm "successful" either way, i guess naturally being smart is the only thing that saves me. it never satisfies though. i know i can do better if i try. the work piles up. just do it. god, i wish it was that easy. i wish i could muster effort to do anything, to find value in something instead of avoiding things that need to get done. it's shameful. i'm ashamed; however, if i don't think about it.. what does it matter? it doesn't. just like my minuscule dumb problems don't matter. i can shrug off the pain. i can move forward. my eyes water. i can feel a twinge of pain. a wave of sorrow washes over me. i shake it off, move forward. it lingers. it always does. it's fine though, who cares? i am.. perfect. i can handle it. i am strong. i am all anyone could want. ideal.. in the fact that i am so selfless. it's all i have to offer. the only way i'm worth anything. i'll do this.. for as long as i have to. if not, what's my purpose anyways?

i wish i'd shut up. i notice it more and more, how so little people care for what i say or what i do. my irrelevancey in this world hurts, but thats how things are! i barely even get a glance from anyone. does anyone care? does anyone even want to know what is below this surface level "me" that exists? i try to make time for people. i try to do better. i try to be friendly, so no one is scared away! i try.. so hard, but it doesn't change a thing. i'm just a background character; the blandest one there is. i blend in with everything around me, as if i wasn't even there. there's no use in any of this.. my incessant talking, my joking around, or anything else. i'm nobody no matter what i do. i should learn my place.

i hate to complain about things like compliments because i never cared for them! however.. now i do for some reason. i want to be called cute and doted on like i used to be,, i feel like i don't meet the expectation of what i should be. i'm not what anyone wants when i want these things. it's better to just dispose of things like this and pretend they were never there to begin with. i should know better by now.. there's so many things i can't do anymore. i almost wish i could be a kid again.

i'm starting to get to this point where i feel bad venting again so maybe i'll vent here. that or i go back to my priv vent where nobody can see bc that's my only coping 🤩

honestly want to kill myself! christmas is going fantastic i feel so meaningless

acting okay is a chore gn i actually want to fall apart for once but no