personal //just needed to write
Itβs been over a year now since I was made disabled and Itβs so fucking scary noticing yourself getting worse over time. I realized my speech and words were slurring a lot before and now Iβm being told about things Iβm doing but have no memory of. I read up about the brain lesions i have and the symptoms/what happens after and reading about the cognitive damage caused by it is terrifying because Iβve done/had/are having those things. Difficulty remembering basic routines, finding words, information processing, memory, concentration and the worst being poor judgement. I keep doing things that I think are good and Iβm doing good but it turns out I just made things worse because I canβt think. Reading about how this type of brain damage can cause cognitive changes enough to affect relationships is so fcking scary becase iβm so scaryed of doing things wrong and losing the few people i have. It says that cognitive changes happen slow and are unlikely to improe once theyβve begun and thats terrifying. Knowing that Iβm already fucking up bad and it might just get worse in the future.Β
I stood in the kitchen for ages because I physically couldnβt figure out how to make a coffee even though i do it everyday. I couldnβt take the lid off the jar, I couldnβt think, I wasnβt thinking.Β Β Trying to play games and iβve just suddenly blanked out mid sentence/ action.Β
I fucked up today and its haunting me bad. I just...donβt want to get worse. Iβm so fucking scared of losing more of myself, making worse decisions, losing people
I dont want to continue and its nights like this that make it so hard.
