Totes!

I’m currently watching Shawn’s Verizon performance and he’s singing In My Blood. I have actively been avoiding watching any tour videos as I want to be able to experience everything for the first time but I gave in and this has really strengthened my admiration for him. Nobody actually knows the story of why I love him so much and why he holds a special place in my heart but I figured I’d write this and share with anyone who actually takes the time to read (which I almost doubt anyone will).

I went to Taylor Swift’s 1989 World Tour 2016 in Detroit, I was 16 and that’s where I first saw Shawn perform. I’ll admit, I wasn’t a fan. It really wasn’t until I heard Stitches so many times on the radio that I became a fan. It was probably later that year and I think it was that New Years that he performed on New Years Rockin Eve (might’ve been the year after I can’t remember). My mom came into the house after partying with my dad and she said, “Nick Jonas was really good on New Years Rockin Eve!” She thought Shawn was Nick Jonas and I didn’t fail to tease her about it. From then on, she’d come home from the grocery store, from anywhere, singing Mercy and she was in love. I came home late one time and I had to text her to unlock the door for me and she ran to open it and ran back yelling, “our boy is on Jimmy Fallon hurry.” For two years we bonded over him, she loved him probably more than I did. Last year, March 2018, my mom passed away from cancer. That was probably the worst time of my life, I have never felt so lost and depressed. The week of her funeral, I was in a musical for my high school. It was my last musical as a senior and as hard as that week was for me, it brought me some sort of relief from the misery I was in. The night of our first show, the day after my mom’s funeral, is when In My Blood was released. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of my best friend’s car and her and I crying the whole time. I almost felt like it was a sign from my mom telling me to not give up, that I was going to get through this, that letting it consume me wasn’t in my blood. She was a fighter and she didn’t raise me to give up on anything, no matter the circumstances. That song means more to me than I thought possible for a song and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way. My friend and I listen to the song when we feel helpless or we feel lost and it still brings me that same relief as it did when it first came out. 

an afternoon at the met and a morning in the library 🗒