MY little place

You know what's unnerving? That someday in some point in time and it could be happening right now but everyone who you love and or look up to is going to forget you. You'll be in the back of their mind when you think of them constantly. They'll forget you because you couldn't keep they're interest. You bored them and they found you unimportant and now I've become an insignificant fleck of dust in their universe. A bitter memory that Dances in a distasteful rhythm on their tongue. Never feeling good enough for those who pick you up out of the dirt because you're simply sloppy seconds and you know they know that or will soon figure it out and cast you aside as the garbage you Really are.

Words of pain will forever be a whisper on my lips. Voice soft with submission as I try not to be forgotten. Feelings poured into bottles that get tossed aside. Bottles are broken when you step on my insides. When those bottles break my feelings pour out. And then I go cry into my pillow and watch porn cause sex = love ; 3 ;

Madness love and agony. My life nothing but an endless nightmare with every one against me I am up in arms and spiraling down alone protected from you and everyone else and wont let you in for the kill you are no longer my vice. You let me come to close to the ice that is your soul and that's why I'm so cold fading in and out of consciousness night. Day. night. Day. No other memory but the one of you and like dust stuck on fresh glue I am stuck on you. The rising sun burns my eyes and then it goes black alone in darkness far away from consciousness, ambiguity toying with what's left if my reasoning skills. Trapped in the purgatory that is my mind frightened waiting for something, any thing to happen and then it hits, like a ton of bricks. The euphoria. I don't know were it came from or what happened to make it rear its pretty little head and right as I feel as if I got the true peace of being dead, it fades away just like the light of day and then I just wish someone like you would really just breathe the life out of me instead of this figurative nightmare you call day to day life you check on me through out the day and say "This will make the pain go away" and you strap my to you table and take away what little power I have left! The lights burn my eyes terribly but then im back home years of your experiments and now the grotesque monster even scares itself.you say im everything your not the absence of conformity is healthy and makes me stronger I had stopped listening at that point. alone ...... again you say you must go and I never have convinced you to stay or at least unbind me from the constricting binds you've put around me. numb . I I cant feel anything at all maybe your touch will cure me you vibrant red hair and blue eyes will spark life back into my existence you truly are my angel in white. pale as paper you watch as my arteries gush blood onto the pure white walls in my opinion the crimson stains brought a nice pop of color into the room . I see you once again you ask how I feel I remain silent my insatiable hunger for you attention mustn't be fueled any longer or I fear I will make to much of an irrational decision but maybe im just insular because im scared .yet when it comes to the demons I create for my self im so intrepid I amaze my self and maybe you find me to lurid or intense but that's fine if that is what we must be you come in and stick that dreaded needle into me leave bring me sustenance leave hurt me leave love me leave, leave leave. you leave just to be back must you play with already fragile emotions ....oh but you are playing a dangerous game and I like to play games especially head games because I live in my head alone and with many a solemn night there's nothing to do but think and think and think some more and in head games I have a penchant to use my ability to its fullest extent and you my angel in white i shall enervate you till you come crawling for forgiveness you sanguine hair in your face only your indigo orbs pleading with me and id strike your pained face if only I wasn't afraid id get blood on my freshly washed epervescent clothing. abut to the last stages of true utter and absolute madness you take me to a dark place no bed or light and no matter how hard I try to set my self free from the what I assume are padded walls hopefully adorned with the blood sweat and saliva that are what seem to be the only fruits of my fruitless attempt at escape but I soon realize that at all I can do is allow death to take me I lay still and ascend to were I truly belong quietly and without hesitation to the fact so my last words shall be I fell in love at an asylum and she was a rose I wrote many a hymn but no matter how much I rhyme to her im just a source of dimes and now my death shant bring her a nickel.

Sometimes I really hate being reminded I'm the "Fat kid." Honestly it really does give me a big road block to over come and sometimes I just can't do it. It's not fair to be judged for something you'd never judge anyone else for. I don't feel comfortable talking to most people and I have to keep telling myself how Great I am to force myself to be mildly comfortable in my own skin but in return I feel as if I sound a little bit too conceited and it make me nervous. I feel like growing up as the "Fat kid." I'm a little more humble and excepting of people not saying of course everyone isn't capable of being that way cause they are but I feel like there's a certain softness that comes from being beat up by the world. I don't know I could be tired and needing love.

Alone is the one thing I will forever be  No not this meme picture that cries at its computer  A person  A living  Breathing Feeling  Thinking person  One who doesn't front with attention ploys  Or death threats  Or pictures of my self harm posted to social media. I ask for what I need and if I don't get it I'll do it my self  Weather it's getting myself food or bringing myself solace  Independece wasn't a life I chose  It was one I was forced into  Because anyone who was able to take care of someone chose someone else weather it was for different values or because to them I was purely undesirable  No one gives me a passing glance  I have nothing to hide and I speak my mind  I do for others that I would do for myself  But still I am the Scum of the earth human being her own mother doesn't even want around. No matter how hard I try to like me and put of the facade of sweet sweet confidence the fact everyone looks down on me causes me to break down while I'm alone.  Subject to not only everyone else's ridicule but my own as I try and try Time and time again to take myself into open arms I find faults in myself that no one else can see  They can see my body. My face  My hair  All my fat and they can point out all the flaws but I'm my biggest bully. I find the thing I cherish most about myself and point out all of its imperfections I point out the one thing that I love about myself and make it in valid and internalize it  Etching it into my soul indelibly  Letting it burn me for an eternity till I can except even the fact that even the parts we love most about ourselves have imperfections and that's absolutely beautiful.