໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১🍓

hiii i know i haven't opened this account in a while. i could lie and say school was keeping me busy, but no i've just been unmotivated to post. olivia recently dropped a song called "the cure"... i've never felt so seen and understood. i started to like someone recently... well, at least i thought i did. i just randomly stopped liking her, like poof, my feelings disappeared. she did nothing wrong, she's great, amazing even, but it's me, i'm the problem. i have so much doubt in me, that nothing will work out, that i will mess up. all that doubt and negative energy has just made me completely lose all feelings for her. no matter how much reassurance she gives me... it's not enough. maybe i'm just meant to be single. i mean i love being alone, i like just being in my own bubble... is that so bad? there are times i crave having someone to love and have by my side, but that feeling never lasts. it's like suddenly i get the ick, it could be my internalized homophobia, but that's a completely different problem honestly. maybe i'm broken, maybe i'll always be the problem, maybe i'll always be full of poison and doubt.

today i went on my first date ever. i was nervous. i could barely think. this was my first date ever. before this date came up, i was really struggling with my internalized homophobia. i started to think of myself as repulsive and not normal. i began to think that me liking women was wrong. i know it's not wrong. it is so easy for me to support other people on who they love and how they choose to be happy, but when it comes to myself, i think my actions are disgusting. why can't i show myself the same support? why am i wrong? a lot of this internalized homophobia is caused by my mother. it's truly not her fault that she grew up thinking that loving the same gender is wrong. she was young and didn't know better. i don't plan to come out to my parents any time soon. i think it would ruin my family, especially our relationship, and that is something i'm not ready for... don't know if i ever will be.

when i went on my date today, i tried my best to shove all internalized homophobia to the back of my mind. it worked somewhat until it started to go wrong. i have this habit of overplanning things in my head. i plan what could go wrong, how i will react, actions, etc. i will go through every possible scenario in my head so i can be prepared for whatever happens. it can be exhausting at times, but i also find it strangely comforting. well, i did just days before the date, so i could be prepared for anything. i planned out how i would walk out to her car, questions i would ask, questions she would ask, my responses, etc. except when i walked outside she was standing at my door. with flowers. it was sweet, but it was something i wasn't prepared for. it completely threw me off guard. it threw me so off guard that i started to panic internally. i didn't practice how i would react to the flowers or to her at my door. my body tensed throughout the car ride. my heart beat increased by the second. i was so uncomfortable that i just had to leave early. my sister picked me up... embarrassing, but i was so grateful. i explained to her everything, my thoughts, and my worries. i started to feel that maybe i'm not ready for a relationship. i'm not stable enough. i pushed myself too hard for something i wasn't ready for. my heart was beating like crazy at that point. when i got home, i could practically feel my heart in my throat. i decided to end things with my date. it was for the best, i need to properly work on myself. my thoughts became so deep. my overplanning and my internalized homophobia attacking me at the same time is a nightmare. i could hear my heartbeat clearly. my breathing became heavy. i was panicking. it took everything in me to calm down. when i finally did i realized that being single and working on myself isn't so bad. when i heal and learn how to be kinder to myself, it'll be worth it. i rather have that right now than a significant other.