I am cringe but I am free.

Most recently I discovered that this exists: It’s the gender symbol for barrenness. I didn’t even realize this was a thing. I honestly do not know how I feel about it. But I find it funny to think that I was rocking this symbol for years when I wore a paint can opener at work all the time.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve confirmed and accepted the symbolism associated with my current gender identity. My gender identity is crone. I’m the wise woman past the point of sexiness and child-bearing, but happily invested in improving the lives of those younger than me.

Pineapples. They are the only thing to comes up readily when you search for a symbol of infertility online. At some point in my recent past I was encouraged to adopt a positive symbol to elevate my sense of self in relation to my gender identity and infertility. I’d had similar symbols that I clung to during our Chinese Adoption process (which dragged on painfully long) – the ubiquitous ladybugs and red threads. And, I LOVE symbolism, so I was eager to give this a try.

That’s how I discovered the pineapple connection.

I love pineapple (even on pizza) so I adopted this symbol with moderate enthusiasm. It never fully fit me though because clearly it is a symbol for women actively trying to get pregnant. It’s meant to be a symbol of hope and positivity much more than of solace.

I also briefly used Hershey Kisses (her/she CIS and local homage) as my gender symbol but it didn’t have the gravitas I craved.

The color orange (my first favorite color as a child) is also associated with infertility (though the ribbon is pink and blue). And, since I'm getting old it put me in mind of sunsets.

Thanks to my kiddo's coming out as gender fluid, I was smack dab in the middle of exploring concepts of gender and sexuality both personally and in general when I created this Tumblr account. I decided it would be my semi-private place to explore these issues when I needed to write out some complex thoughts.

But, my usual Mercredi name wasn't available. On a whim I combined the above mentioned symbolic elements to come up with pineapplesunsetkiss. I lowkey kind of hate it, but then I often lowkey kind of hate myself sometimes, so I guess it works.

Awareness of Infertility should include the emotional toll and lasting repercussions. I state this knowing very well that is not why this Awareness Week was creative. My cynical nature views IA week similarly to the Susan Koman/pink ribbons for breast cancer stuff ...An excellent cause affecting far too many which promotes a feeling of community identity and empowerment using toxic positivity and smothered in capitalism. Almost everything a person can find online regarding Infertility Awareness (besides stats) is informational websites promoting IVF and other fertility treatments, inspirational stories of success or ongoing hope, and positivity merchandise. (I'll probably post about the pineapple later). We don't talk about the *gasp* barren.

That said, I do want to add my voice in support of people seeking fertility treatment. In the US (& elsewhere I guess) financial burdens are a huge barrier to fertility treatments. When I was young it was going to be mostly out of pocket. Why would insurance pay for you to have a child? It won't kill you not to have one. And then they'd have to help pay for the birth to boot. It is very easy for people to go completely broke paying for these services, especially in the difficult cases. Also, I suspect that some clinics could be very predatory in encouraging folks to keep paying into treatments that just have very little chance of working. It's seemed like a risky gamble when I was young. I hope it's better now.

That said, I fear that fertility treatments could become endangered in the US with the rise of Christian Nationalism and it's narrow views on the sanctity of embryos. Fertility treatment is very much an area that deserves funding and vocal support.

I also have the unpopular opinion that we should offer more genetic screening to women before they pursue pregnancy. I was lucky that I found out about my genetic problem before we'd spent money on fertility treatments. The standard of care is (unless there is family history) not to screen for genetic abnomolies until after a fetus is already growing and then having the host decide on an abortion. That would have been devestating to me. If someone is going through the intense physical and emotional stress of fertility aid, a genetic screening should be part of the package deal if they want it. Honestly, I'd like to see the concept of "pre-existing conditions" irradicated so that it can be available to all. I know that sounds ablist but some conditions are just too much. And parents who can prepare and

educate themself of a possible difference in their child will surely be better parents for it. We went through (and continue) training to deal the complications of adopting from overseas and it is invaluable to us.

All of this is to say that despite the fact that my infertility story ended in adoption rather than fertility treatment, I still very much want to elevate awareness of treatment and all of its facets. This includes surrogacy which (like adoption) has its dark side to consider.

Two close friends of mine adopted children around the same time as me and each had their own infertility journey. Both tried fertility treatment before adopting. One had ovarian injury due to adolescent cancer treatment. She ultimately adopted from extended family.

Internalized anger, disgust, and guilt

There are many personal elements specific to myself which amplify my particular reaction to infertility. I won’t go into specific detail on every aspect because I don’t want to throw people “under the bus” and I don’t want to dox myself. At the time I first began treatment I was already feeling highly resentful about non-medical reasons why I hadn’t had a child yet. Although my feelings were valid, when I learned how incompatible with pregnancy I was, I felt like the denial of my desires had been justified. One of many instances where someone else’s judgment turned out to be better than my own.

So, it is fair to say that I was already unhappily resigned to possibly being childless not by choice when I first sought treatment for my fibroid. And, because of this, I thought that I had already made peace with not having children (untrue), so I waved off any offers of mental support when that coffin was nailed shut for good.

At any rate, the anger and frustration I had been suppressing right before my physical infertility journey was redirected to a creative outlet. I was involved in a couple of different fanfiction groups online. In one I began cowriting a story that centered on an institutionalized forced reproduction system (think kind of like Handmaid’s Tale but with non-humans). It was a terrific outlet and our story eventually got published which went a huge way towards taking the sting out of my denied procreation. Furthermore, the species in this fandom were hermaphrodites so I was well versed in complexity and malleability of gender roles, which has served me well.

It also goes without saying that I was in a bit of a goth phase at the time. I was also casually involved in Wiccanism, but that only twisted the knife because of the heavy celebration of fertility as synonymous with the divine feminine.

Both of these pursuits fell away after my hysterectomy. As I mentioned before, the sacral chakra is a center of creativity as well as reproduction creation. I was supposed to be writing the sequel to our book which I’d already started (but lost in a computer transfer). It was a very dark story and I was so wounded already that I just couldn’t bring myself to “go there.” I ended up ghosting my publisher (I didn’t have an advance or anything) and never wrote it. One of my many regrets in life. I should have reached out for help. I was a beta reader and editor for a while. But my passion for that eventually waned as well.

I could no longer hold down a job. My heart wasn’t in anything – everything seemed pointless. I eventually ended up mixed paint at a Home Depot. I’m glad for that experience overall, but I was crushed every time a happy expectant couple came in lovingly and excitedly picking out nursery colors. I learned to take off the day for Mother’s Day each year.

I had also started self-harming. Not frequently or severely.  I was also self-harming subconsciously. I began putting on weight rapidly following my hysterectomy. I’d always been very thin as a child, teen, and youth. There were times when I was softer and I foolishly fret over five or ten pounds.

Circumstances all combined to have me rapidly packing on pounds steadily after the hysterectomy. Ultimately, I blame myself. I feel very strongly that the self-hatred and depression contributed to my not giving a fuck about my health so long as I passed the physical examination, I needed to update every so often for the adoption paperwork.

The irony is that I would have gloried in the weight gain had it been part of pregnancy. I could have basked in the sensualness of my abundant curves as an homage to the voluptuous fertility goddesses of prehistory. But for a poisonous, barren thing such as myself to look so bountiful has always been such a blasphemy in my mind. I felt like I should be skeletal and bent with blackened claws and grey hair. Maybe my subconscious was trying to emulate the pregnancy weight, but more likely I was just comfort eating, while working odd hours and relying on fast or processed foods while my metabolism tanked due to free-falling hormones and stress.

I’m writing about infertility on all my social media this week. Partially for Infertility Awareness Week, but mostly as catharsis. I know infertility might not seem like an important topic when we’ve got much more important fights like abortion & Trans rights. BUT, they are SO entwined.

See www.resolve.org for more information the observance. RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association to Observe National Infertility Awareness Week. ® April 23 through April 29, 2023.

The infertile (and adoptive) communities may compete for resources and validity against abortion activists (on both sides of that issue), and LGBTs seeking conception help. But, there is so much room for empathy and solidarity. We just need to reach out to one another.

Reproductive Dysphoria is a term applied to trans folks struggling with an aspect of reproduction. I’ve seen it applied both to transmen who are feeling dysphoric because of pregnancy etc. AND transwomen who are feeling gender dysphoria centered around an inability to conceive.

As an infertile CIS woman, I identify with the later, but it’s much easier to find information online regarding the former. I’d even go so far as to appropriate the term for myself, which I think helps bridge the chasm between CIS and trans people dealing with reproductive trauma. Research on gender issues that I've done over the past couple years was a huge step in my own infertility trauma journey.

I have, for many years, described myself as an infertile woman. This is both true and a deception. The official definition of infertility is when a person is unable to conceive after a year of trying. We only tried for a few months before calling a stop to the attempt.

The original source of my fertility problems was a submucosal uterine fibroid that surgery was unable to resolve. I'll probably write about that more in a separate post later this week. Next, I discovered I was ovulating late in my cycle, which probably could have been fixed.

But, the late ovulation was probably caused by the Fragile X Premutation that I discovered I had. A geneticist did outline a few different methods we could utitlize to minimize chances of passing that on, but in light of the other two problems, pursuing pregnancy just seemed ridiculous at that point, no matter how much I may have wanted it.

So, I might not have been infertile, maybe I'm just a quitter. *shrugs*

I have absolutely no regrets in the results of that decision. (Or my decision to have a hysterectomy a couple of years later.) I'd do it again in a heartbeat because we adopted the absolutely perfect child for us.

But, I do mourn the child I chose not to have whether they would have been healthy or not. I feel guilty that I chose not to take a chance on them and that I didn't feel strong enough to raise a disabled child. I know that probably makes me ablist and a Egenicist in th eyes of many, but I know it was the right decision for me and my family.

I still have a lot of internalised emotional wounds that I've spent and will continue to spend the rest of my life sorting out regarding my brokenness.

As a species, I think we need to take more notice of how we treat "barren" women (and men), while not diminishing the way we praise and exault motherhood. This also applies to how we view older women.

We need to have more respect for women who make the choice not to reproduce because it is their right. They are valid.

After seeing the emotional and bittersweet dragon-slaying streams on the DSMP, I've been reflecting upon my favorite streamer and what I'd like to see for them in the future when it comes to smp participation.

I want to prefice this as stating it's just my personal musings. Not advice or speculation of what I think will actually happen. I do not expect this to get read or acted upon. I just felt like getting my thoughts out so I can move on from them. Also -- putting positive energy out into the universe just in case it help something good to happen.

I wish Eret could have their own little smp. I don't know how those work as far as setting up. I'd love to see them convert one of thier existing worlds, but I think smp probably need to start from scratch.

Anyhow, I think all fans would know that open and continuing communication is of paramount importance when working with Eret, so they'd have to have a robust and active Discord channel for sharing rules and plans.

I think what would work best would be if each participating player constructed clear pre determined lore about their characters' backstories, but all interactions amongst characters be friendly, lighthearted and improv. All streamers would also need to indicate whether actions streamed were consiered lore or not.

I think each streamer should have three (or whatever they decide) builds that are considered sacred from griefing and up to six mobs (pets, "kids") that are sacred from kidnapping or killing (unless agreed upon amongst the streamers beforehand).

I think there are lots of small streamers Eret would love to work with in this sort of a setting. And, there are lots of DSMP friends who would work great in this sort of a context even if they might not have time to play often. (Such as Tubbo [as long as he doesn't destroy everything], BBH, Capt. Puffy, Sam, Ponk, Aimsey, Fundy, an more.)

I'm jotting this down so I can expand on it later when I have time.

Since it's Nov. 18th, I thought I'd share the story about the connection between to my beloved grandmother (and her twin sister) and my beloved child. I grew up extremely close to my maternal grandmother. We lived with her during part of my early childhood and then she lived next door to us. I was the oldest of her grandchildren. We always had a very special bond.

Later when she developed Alzheimer's Disease she moved into my bedroom while I was in college. I've always been open to the supernatural and had extremely vivid dreams that sometimes have given me great insight to the present and the future. When my grandmother passed away, I prayed fervently that she would visit me in my dreams to say goodbye.

I did have a vivid dream with her in it, but it was very brief and fleeting like she was literally in a hurry to get somewhere else. In the dream she told me: "Tell Erica I'll be there when she has her baby."

Erica was my sister in law and we were both looking forward to trying to start families in the next year or two. Honestly, the dream visit felt real to me but I felt like it must be a mistake. My grandmother had never even met Erica and I was like a daughter to her -- closer even. Why the heck would she be there for Erica and not for me! I was insulted. That said I did pass the message on and the reaction was pretty much "Thanks, I hate it."

Fast forward a few years and my brother and Erica are pregnant but I am not. However, I had the honor of being asked to be their Plus 1 at the birth. The day of the planned induction, I was closing up my work station and suddenly I got this feeling like there was a presence standing right behind me and I vividly smelled my grandmother's perfume. I had completely forgotten about the dream until that moment.

Sure enough, my sister in law had complications and had to get a C-section. I wasn't there for the birth after all, but rest assured I know my grandmother filled my duty for me.

Fast forward a few more years and my great aunt (the twin) also passes away. A couple years after that and I realize that the reason that my grandmother didn't pledge to be with me at my baby's birth was because I was never going to be able to have a child of my own despite it being my BIGGEST desire.

Eventually, my husband and I start the very long process of adopting a baby girl from China. I wrote a top ten list of baby names -- first and second -- as my huand and I were having a terrible time agreeing on anything. Notably none of the second names I chose were common. My own middle name is Marie after by beloved grandmother (and a whole other story). And I vividly remember telling my husband that I hated it because it is so common, but right as those words were leaving my mouth a very strong feeling came over me that our baby might be born on my grandmother's birthday and I immediately blurted out -- Unless she's born on Nov. 18th then her middle name has to be Marie for my grandmother.

As it happens (a story I've told before) a beloved friend of ours died right around the time our adoption dossier finally shipped off to China. In honor of him, we announced that we were giving our child his middle name and it meant the world to his family.

It tool a long five and half years before we were finally matched with a baby. Imagine my shock when the birthdate listed on the paperwork was Nov. 19th. I was torn. It was SO CLOSE. I even pointed out to my husband that due to time zones half of Nov. 19th is Nov. 18th where we live. But we'd already committed to the other middle name and he said close wasn't good enough, so legally Marie was never on any paperwork.

In the meantime, ever since my great aunt (the twin, who I also grew up with as was close to) died, I'd been having recurring dreams where she willed her house to me and it was filled with all sorts of interesting treasures and secrets that I was struggling to sort through. The dream was extremely persistant and puzzled me because while we were close, she was much closer to her own grandchildren and had certainly not given me her house.

Then one day I woke up from the dream and clarity finally hit me. The house full of so many treasures and secrets that always left me feeling connected was just a symbol. I woke up and asked out loud, "Is E the house? Are you trying to tell me that you sent E to us and the birthdate was to let us know she was meant for us?"

In the meantime, it had occurred to me that there was an adorable name that I could have chosen for my child instead of just Marie. My grandmother's nickname was Mye and she called her sister (Madeleine) Leine. Put them together and you've got a Southern sounding name: Myleen which also could have a similar Chinese counterpart Mai Lin.

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Dream SMP Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Eret (Video Blogging RPF) & Everyone Characters: Eret (Video Blogging RPF) Additional Tags: Eret-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Multiple Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF) Summary:

This is a summary of what I think Eret final lore stream on Season One of the Dream SMP should have been.

Content Warning: It is depressing and Meta as fuck.

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Dream SMP Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Major Character Death Characters: Dream SMP Ensemble, Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo, Alexis | Quackity, Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Jack Manifold, Niki | Nihachu, The Crimson Egg (Dream SMP), Karl Jacobs, Michael Fulton | Michaelmcchill, Michael the Piglin (Dream SMP), Liam | HBomb94, Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Phil Watson | Philza, Dream XD, Noah Brown | Foolish Gamers, Aimee | Aimsey (Video Blogging RPF), Ghostbur (Dream SMP) Additional Tags: Fix-It, Post-Season 1 AU, Bittersweet Ending, Happy Ending Summary:

Just a little self-indulgent wish list PLOT SUMMARY of how I would deal with the Finale of Season One on the Dream SMP.

I am SO DONE with people using neuro differences as an excuse for creepy, unacceptable behavior.

Just needing to get this off my chest. I am really glad that predatory grooming is getting more attention these days. It's something that has had a profoundly negative affect on my life - particularly when I was young.

However, it irks me a bit that the definition (at least as I see it) has become distorted to a degree where the meaning seems lost.

In my opinion ...

Grooming: A perpetrator knows that a relationship in immoral (usually due to an age difference, sometimes a power imbalence, and other things). The object of their desire is not desirable of said relationship. The perpetrator uses psychological manipulation and deceptive actions to maneuver the victim into a relationship they otherwise would not have.

Bad but Not Grooming: A person engages in or pursues an inappropriate relationship but fails to recognize the innate inpropriety.