Sick & Tired

the ones who throw up every day, or who have to deal with gastrointestinal issues, or any other disorder you can’t talk about in polite company

who have to keep going over symptoms that society says we shouldn’t even speak about

the kind of symptoms that you don’t really know how to describe anyway, because it doesn’t exactly hurt, but you also know that pain would be far preferable to what you have to go through

because no one ever wants to mention hours spent in the bathroom, just trying to keep surviving until you feel a bit better, or how you panic when you have to go anywhere, even on a good day, because you don’t control when your symptoms flare up

There is so much about keeping on trying and working hard and You Can Achieve Anything When You Put Your Mind To It which is a great sentiment. And for the large part its true and I don’t intend to contradict that when I say that look: sometimes you have to quit and that’s ok.

There is no virtue in pursuing a goal to the detriment of your health and happiness. Not every goal is attainable for you no matter how much you want it and it isn’t shameful to walk away from an aspiration that isnt working for you or is sapping your energy and it doesn’t feel worth it anymore.

Wrote a lot of poems and stories as a middle schooler? Lost that somewhere along the way? You can come back.

Made a lot of art as a kid? Gave up because it wasn’t “good enough” or “practical”? You can come back.

Life is hard, college is ridiculously difficult. It’s okay to give up and focus on trying to take care of yourself. You can go back.

I could be at any weight and I will never be healthy, because I am chronically ill. Someone might be chronically ill and fat, or they might be chronically ill and not fat, and it really doesn’t matter.

Free for download Disability Etiquette

sit in the sun without anything to do, feel the heat of the rays hit your skin, realize that this sunlight has travelled a very long way to reach you

walk around barefoot and try to feel as much of the ground under your feet as you can, notice every rock and blade of grass

sit quietly for a while and notice the touch of breath in your nostrils, feel how the air gets cooler as you inhale and warmer as you exhale

drive around aimlessly and blast some of your favorite songs, scream/sing along to them and feel the vibrations of your favorite lyrics as they change the air in your throat and around you, feel that the music is healing you from the inside out

stay away from alcohol or drugs for a few days, try to be as aware and present as you can in every moment, stop trying to numb or dull your senses

eat a few meals without any distractions, notice every bite and taste every flavor that covers your tongue, be grateful for it all

if a wheelchair user has to go around to a back alley to get into your venue–it should not be called accessible 

if your venue doesn’t have automatic doors–it should not be called accessible 

if your venue’s washrooms are down a narrow hall that is difficult to navigate–it should not be called accessible 

if your venue’s floorplan doesn’t factor in space for wheelchairs–it should not be called accessible 

if your venue has steps leading in, or at any point inside, and no ramp is readily available–it should not be called accessible 

Something I want to try and be better about is to stop putting so much pressure on myself when I hit my health lows or dips. My symptoms vary but generally what I need is a lot of rest, heating pads, medication if I have access to it, but whenever this happens I am so anxious about not being productive. I lay in bed tormented with guilt that in that moment I am unable to create the content I want to create and perhaps morbidly, I worry I’ll die before I get the chance to make it. I lay there thinking, “GET BETTER! GET BETTER! YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO!!”

I also REALLY enjoy having content creation be a daily activity, it gives me something to look forward to every day, even if I cannot accomplish it.

But this anxiety might come from a specific place of marginalization as well. I feel pressure as a woman, a woman of color, a queer woman, and a sick and disabled woman, to create content for visibility/awareness because these narratives are so rarely uplifted. I feel like if I don’t constantly produce, the less likely it is that I am heard, the more likely my narrative and my creations are just swept under a rug, buried, invisible and forgotten.

There are certain communities of people that we commonly see represented and whether their audience was gained by a lot of hard work or it fell in their lap because of a viral message, it’s not comparable to how much work marginalized groups have to do in order to have and/or maintain their audiences.

And as a sick person there’s this added pressure to be productive because there is this stigma with chronic illness and disability, that we are the way we are because we don’t try hard enough, or fight hard enough, or push ourselves hard enough, and if people don’t witness your efforts they feel entitled to judge you and blame you for your own illness.

Anyway, all that being said. I’d like to learn to take my bed rest and actually REST, actually allow my heart beat to slow down a bit, actually allow my brain to quiet down, because damn it…