random rants & jokes

sometimes, I hate science.

I hate the advancements that kept me alive.

I love the way that it saves people,

the way that it heals and is real...

but sometimes...

i hate science because it kept me alive.

i know how vile my words sound, but I cannot lie.

not about the way that i was cursed to live another day.

sometimes... i hate food.

I hate the way that I was raised to count every calorie.

I love the way that it saves people,

brings such joy to good people.

i just hate the words that ring true,

the way my mind thinks less is better than a few.

i know how irrelevant my misery seems, but I cannot lie.

not about the way that I was cursed to become unreal standards.

sometimes... I hate books.

i hate the way my childhood infatuation labelled me as a prodigy.

I love the knowledge that the records bring,

the way that the stories make my mind sing with glee,

the way that i finally have something common with peers.

i hate the way that I always have to reappear,

returning to a reality that is worse than my twisted mind could configure.

I know how malicious my poem seems, but i cannot lie.

not about the way that my beloved ink betrays me.

sometimes... i want to disappear.

I want to roam the medieval roads that torment my dreams.

I want to hear the music of a world of peace.

I want to feel the touch of sunlight on my skin without the pain that follows.

I dream about the feeling of grass under my feet,

the smell of wildflowers and freedom;

not rubbing alcohol and sterile... everything.

sometimes... i want to erase history.

No, not the stories of the world's lessons learned.

I hate the things that have been done to me.

I hate the way that my prayers were unanswered.

I hate the way that I was blamed for tragedy.

I hate the way that medicine was deemed unnecessary.

I hate the way that I was deemed unworthy of having enough food.

I hate the way that I had only books to shield me from my world,

before I had even aged a decade.

I HATE THE WAY THAT I CANNOT

"I can't, I've got physical therapy."

"I can't, I have an appointment with my neurologist."

"I can't talk rn, nurse Holly is trying to help me decorate my wheelchair."

"Sorry, I'm busy dyeing my service dog."

"Sorry, I'm at the doctors." *isnt*

"I can't do the PE test, my joints will literally yeet out of existence."

"I can't do that, I used all of my spoons at therapy yesterday." (just wants to play monopoly w my friends in the extended care facility)

"Sorry, that building isn't wheelchair accessible, I can't go." (literally hates the sensory hell of that building)

"✨no✨"

"I can't do the history final, I am literally in the hospital, sir."

idc if its just best friends

idc if youre a girl

idc if youre a boy

idc if youre an enby alien

idc what you look like

i just want someone to do night calls with

and talk about whatever

someone who is nice

someone that will care about my health issues

someone that cares abt our interests

someone that cares abt us when they notice that we are acting strange

someone that cares

i promise im not that bad

im friendly and honest and i love playing games (i only have a switch but still) and i have a ton of attachment issues and i like to bake and you might have to deal with the overprotective altars in our system but im not a bad person

discord please *grabby hands*

If we find out that you touch any of them without their permission, we will find you.

If you make one of them uncomfortable, you will become a missing person.

If you make them cry, they won't be able to find all of your pieces.

If you assault them, you will become a twitter hashtag.

If they say that you make them fear for their life, you will no longer have yours.

If you send them a picture of your 🍆 without their permission, you will lose your reproductive privileges.

You look at them for too long and your pronouns will become was/were.

If you hurt one of my favourites, this is the list of what will happen to you (in chronological order).

1. I will hack into your social medias and slowly ruin your reputation over a span of three weeks. Your friends hate you and your wife (if you managed to have one) is moved out and is getting a divorce.

2. I will break into your house. I will steal every light bulb and the light switches, half of every shoe lace, every left shoe, all of your spoons and forks (and chopsticks), I will dose every drink in the house with an obscene amount of laxative (the only water bottle left in the house will be dosed with a heavy amount of sleeping medicine and sedatives but not enough to kill) but turn all of the water off so you have no ability to flush or rehydrate, steal all of the batteries (especially the ones in remotes and things), cut all of the bristles off of the toothbrush and hairbrush, and then cut all of the technology cords in half (including the refrigerator).

3. As I'm walking out of your house, I set up camp and wait for you to get home for the night. I wait until you've fallen asleep to cut all the wires in your engine, take two of your tires, and finally slash one of the two left.

4. I'll go to a friend's house and ask to borrow a insulin pen. They know the code, and have already come together with an alibi for the entire group (they will be asked for help) just in case.

5. I'll go to your house and by this time it'll be around 2:00 AM. I will take the insulin pen and a very small gauge needle and after some work I will inject an overdose of insulin under your tongue. You will be in too deep a sleep to wake up and the doctors will assume that the large amount of sleeping pills and laxatives will be a suicide attempt because of how miserable your life had been in the last month. If the insulin overdose is discovered (the needle mark won't be) they will assume you had died from undiscovered diabetes.

6. Before I leave your house, I call some friends to help me loot your house to hide evidence. I give my best friend a list of groceries and the exact brands you buy to replace what was dosed. I turn your water back on, replace all of your groceries, all while my friends are looting your house of anything previously tampered with and any cash.

myrah: WHAT THE FUCK

the misogynist: "while you're in this class you will only be washing the football team's laundry, then later the wrestling team's laundry."

technoblade: HELL NO

myrah *singing*: ✨little😁whiny🙄grimy🖕bitchy☺️itchy🥺white👴🏻boy😫

ranboo (joining in): eeny weeney teeney weeney shriveled little short dick man

tubbo: DONT WANT DONT WANT DONT WANT *continues singing 'Short Dick Man- 20 Fingers' with ranboo and myrah*

philza: someone's mother was obviously not in the picture 💁‍♂️

old white man: "Weightlifting equipment is only for the boys. All of you girls are too weak and could mess up the equipment."

mel: who's going to tell him that we can bench more than half of his players and squat more than his quarterback? 🧐🤭🤫

knife: stabby crabby ab-y time?🔪

corpse *holding in immense amounts of anger*: "Can I go to the nurse? I have a headache."

the bitch: "Sure, but hurry up. I'm teaching y'all how to clean and properly take care of your husband as a housewife."

myrah: oh HELL no *forces to front*

myrah: *goes to the principal's office and reports it, then goes to father's classroom and tells him to release ⚪️ father wrecking ball on this man's career*

the coach: *gets reported by twenty girls in less than two hours, on the verge of losing his job* "Huh?"

the class pagan and the class muslim: *staring at each other*

the pagan: *hearing Jesus sob in disappointment and sitting there like*

the hijabi: *holding back every way they're coming up with to tell the teacher to fuck off*

technoblade, doing his thing: *humming the song MANTRA- Bring Me The Horizon*

a sixth grader that just watched a 4'6" girl that had about as much muscle as a bandaid beat the shit out of a 19yr old attempted r*pist football player: "I don't know wether to be afraid, impressed, or both but I know one thing. I didn't see shit. In fact, I'm pretty sure the two of us are sitting in the outside the cafeteria because she was helping me with my math homework."

three days later:

technoblade, sitting behind the cafeteria, eating an apple with a plastic spork: *teaching the sixth and seventh grade girls self-defense and boxing techniques for when they get harassed*

us now:

Philza: *being told the stories by a laughing Technoblade* ...Techno you do realize that next year we will be a junior that has single handedly adopted two grades?

Techno: I mean... yeah. We need someone to carry on our 'talk shit, get hit by a 5'1" disabled band kid' legacy

Philza, sighing: What do you think will happen when they realize that people call us the r-slur and other slurs?

Techno: ...oh i fucked up a little bit...

Ranboo, butting in: Nah, you just raised a ton of chaotic bisexuals.

a few 8th grade (next year's freshmen) girls running up to us: "Hey, [name]! Can we beat the shit out of a (a neighboring asshole town) football player?"

techno: "... What has he done?"

phil: WHY IS THAT YOUR FIRST QUESTION

knife: oooh can we do a stabby crabby? a run-through and no kids for you? a knees-no-more? a home alone crowbar up far? a shaw-shank'd-No-Redemption?

myrah💅🏾: i'm voting for a 'for the ancestors', thank you very much.

tubbo(dsmp after schlatt) : can I join? I have plenty of built up anger.

8th graders: "... started talking about how you should be (no-no'd) and put into your place as a future housewife because you're a female..."

techno: "Remember to properly hide your identities and wrap your punching hands and shins so there isn't any evidence."

myrah, butting in: *giving advice and supplies on how to look like men and taller, along with suggesting bigger men's shoes*

dadza (war version): "Remember, surprise group attacks aren't against the rules if the person is planning on hurting another person. What's our motto?"

all except the body: "Talk shit, get hit. Be a bitch, no more kids."

everyone else in band: Thank you for your service, angry midget.

the other ninth graders: *kind of scared but also impressed*

everyone in the area: i ain't see shit. nothing to see or snitch on here

information- [therapist] asked [traumaholder] what memories were causing their suicidal thoughts and anxiety attacks

[traumaholder]: the first guy that s*xually *ssaulted us commited suicide.

therapist: when were you raped, if you're comfortable with answering?

[traumaholder]: "well, the first time we were three..."

*at the end of the session*

therapist: *crying slightly* i'm so sorry.

[traumaholder]: Why? Isn't this normal? Our parents never listened so I assumed this was a normal thing.

tubbo: tommy, wanna hear a joke?

tommy: *building the power tower* (sigh) sure, tub

tubbo: what do you call phil when he's flying REALLY fast to get some pizza?

phil: oh, god.

tommy: idk? fastza?

tubbo: no, silly. YEETZA HUT

wilbur, appearing out of nowhere: *rolling on the floor in laughter*

technoblade: *trying not to laugh and failing miserably*

phil: gotta say, thats a first.

ranboo: yeah, he's been trying to make that funny for like two days.

we've spent 200 dollars in three days...

on gummy candy and disney toys...

days since the r*pist commited suicide: 2

days since last self harming episode: 0

birthgiver: holy jesus you've gained so much weight! we've talked about this, think before you disgrace our family!

me: i only weigh 129...

my thoughts: is 129 too much for a 16, almost 17 yr old? maybe i should go back to one small meal a day like mom said...

rome 🏳️‍🌈(emotional protector): bitch IM ABOUT FIVE SECONDS FROM TELLING THIS BITCH OFF ISTG-

myrah💅🏾 (sexual protector): im about one blink away from slapping this bitch so hard she gets express shipping to the Underworld-

mel🔮 (physical protector): nah you KNOW i get first dibs on beating the shit outta this white lady

techno (physical protector): nah im doing that then hiding the sharp things from the traumaholders and self h*rmers.

me: ...what about me?