physically, i am okay..

Everything just hits too close to home.

Every evening I cry because she’s not there.

Nobody is ready for a time like this.

Am I being selfish?

I’d like to believe one of these days the cycle will end and I won’t struggle to be okay anymore.

What I desire most is to be good at what I do, and I would settle for being okay at my job.

Just okay, average, fine.

When she appears in my art I know my mental state is… not necessarily bad, but different.

Usually thinking deep and feeling deep mean bad things for me but not always.

My worst fears haunt me, filling me with dread.

To use instead of “stupid”

Use “careless mistake”

The substitution triggers me more

Because I care deeply.

There is very little I do uncaringly.

A better option?

Maybe “thoughtless”

I want to punish myself and let the pain win.

I can’t regulate my brain that way, I’m well aware…

Why does some stuff stick and not others?

How does it all fall apart when I try to keep it in?

I feel a deep seated urge to punish myself for forgetting what I needed to learn.

Truly, I believed this.

Mistakes are hiding

Notice is taken in their wake

Why won’t my brain make the connections and proper associations?

I’m not sure.

I’m never sure and I feel like shit for making rookie mistakes almost two years in.

Sometimes it just creeps up behind me

Then I think it’s gone

I think it’s better now

But I’m aware deep down

I’m not better now

Not completely

That’s part of the beauty of the world.

I’ve done so all weekend. Now I am falling asleep on the night of Valentine’s and I can’t participate in the festivities.

Not something I share

I must always be cryptic lest it be seen by those that care.

I don’t think anyone reads this but sometimes I wish they would.

The food there was good

Is this a coincidence

I think I should be

No posts on insta

Not since last year.

Can’t do anything

Nothing but worry.

I have work

Don’t live close enough

There is so much of life that is dark and that we must spend without sight naturally in our gaze

If you can’t do it, you fucking make sure it gets done by someone else.

I don't feel like I'm done yet. I feel like there's still something left.

I can't be done solving problems. Can't be done with the challenge.

There is something satisfying about being able to do a limited number of things well, it's true...

But the way I feel when I look at physics problems seems right.

It feels like the pieces are falling into place.

Even though it is difficult, it feels like I am where I belong.