whirling in thoughts

I've told myself oh so many times to go to bed earlier and it never really seems to happen somehow. There's always something left to do at this ungodly hour.

This time round it was packing my lunch box (just in case I wake up way too late to cook up a storm which I believe is most probably the case). Now I'm sitting comfortably in bed, typing away on my phone to jot down the last few thoughts in my head before the new day strikes.

It's been a long week and it's only Tuesday! But then again, when you have a joy-stealing job, everyday sort of feels like a Thursday. Not that I'm choosing to have one; I understand that I'll have to have a couple of soul wrenching jobs under my belt before I get to do something I love (or like really, I'm not that picky!) for a living.

Haven't been applying that much lately. The endless inbox flooding of 'I regret to inform you' has been slowly gnawing at my insides and confidence all at once. To be fair, I still have so much to learn and in the grand scheme of things, I am just starting out.

As the lady I bumped into today said, "don't lose hope, you'll find something I'm sure". She still remembers me from a while ago, and was so encouraging of my current situation. I'll find something. I definitely will!

This blog might not make any sense whatsoever (I’m still trying to sort out my thoughts even now as my fingers hover above the keyboard; my brain hasn’t stopped buzzing even just for one second. 

For someone who claims to be a writer, I surely daydream about it more than actually doing it. For the past two years or so, my inspiration and pretty much my will to write, to create has slowly fizzled away. I’ve tried multiple times to revive this passion of mine in various ways but to no avail. 

I prefer handwriting, jotting down notes on my notebooks, but it's definitely easier keeping track of my thoughts online so here we go.

1. the childhood crush so he’d walk you to school in the morning and walk you home because you live like two blocks away from each other. you spend hours at the game arcade with him after school and he buys you this card because you find it pretty with his hard earned pocket money. he ruffles your hair occasionally, scrunching up his nose cutely. he’s the first guy you don’t hate at the age of ten. he’s the one person who always knows how to put a smile on your face. he’s the only guy allowed to get that close to you.

2. the work crush you don’t really talk except for when you accidentally run into each other. you exchange pleasantries for a split second before parting ways again. nothing too substantial, and yet it still makes your day. the word ‘hello’ has never been so beautiful before. sometimes that’s enough to make a hellish 8 hour shift bearable. it doesn’t make you feel the urge to strangle the next customer that looks you did in the eye for no particular reason while snarling their tongue.

3. the hate crush

there are people you click with instantly, and then there are the others. usually, there are two possibilities-- you might get along with one another somewhere down the line or you never will or sometimes you develop a crush on said person despite all the initial thoughts. you start wondering if maybe things could go differently. not that it makes any sense, but you start talking to him more, chuckling at his responses and thinking to yourself ‘hey, he’s actually pretty alright’ and for someone as cynical as you, that does say a lot. 4. the crush you’d never admit

he’s off limits-- there could be so many reasons behind that, but at the end of the day it’s still a fact that he’s out of your reach and absolutely unattainable. you can feel your heart skipping a beat at his presence, your stomach doing these funny twists, and yet you tell your heart to stop feeling and your eyes to stop getting lost in his. you pretend he doesn’t mean a thing to you because you know that’s better than succumbing to your heart’s desire. it’s a losing battle and you know fully well not to wage a war when your heart is at stake.

it doesn’t matter if he likes you, too because he’s still off limits either way