pooligan

Ways to get involved in any of these can involve networking with a group online or signing up for a class or auditioning or whatever! Some of them you just gotta talk to your neighbors! Which I know is also easier said than done for a lot of us with relational trauma! Some tips I have for integrating into new communal spaces in a way that feels safer (to me) than the ways that have not served me well in the past:

* Signing up for something officially is often super scary for me. I'm not really ready for that yet in my life, bc it feels like a lot of pressure, and at this stage I REALLY need to be able to case the joint and sniff everything out to make sure it feels safe before participating myself. You can often check things out by attending events, like craft fairs or performances, but there's also tiers of participation with many things. Lots of stuff doesn't involve official membership or signing up for classes if you're not ready for that. Some things just have informal zoom meetings, which is less scary than in person ones, bc you remain in your own space + can leave at any time. Physically putting myself in a space that I do not have control over is VERY hard for me, and I am also pretty sick such that I am housebound most of the time, so I end up lurking a lot on local community pages on FB (other places such as reddit also offer this opportunity depending on the community) and getting used to who participates and in what ways, veeeery slowly working up to interacting directly by liking comments or leaving friendly but trivial replies to other people's posts. It will behoove you to learn how to engage in what people call "small talk" in a way that does not feel painful to you. I phrase it that way because I know this is not always intuitive for many autistic people, but I personally have found that viewing things like "how to have a pleasant and surface level interaction with a friendly stranger" as a puzzle to solve has helped me a lot. Because the thing is, surface level is safer! Surface level chat is a "free" action that nevertheless can earn you goodwill points and builds up your interaction history with someone. Which brings me to my next point:

* Biggest mistake I have made as someone with REAL bad relational trauma when trying to make new friends or join new groups in the past is feeling compelled to immediately sus out who is "safe" and who is not. Problem with this is that it often takes the form of putting a LOT of pressure onto people who are essentially strangers to understand and accept your Entire Deal Right Away! This makes people really uncomfortable!!! It often results in people feeling like you're trying to force them to Prove they aren't 'a bad guy,' which is a TERRIBLE feeling. My solution is not to throw away the whole idea of wanting to determine if someone is 'safe,' but to very consciously think about specifics: safe how? What can I trust them with, given the amount of information I have of them and the interaction history we have built up? What am I expecting from this person? If I don't know them well enough to know if I can trust them with my Whole Deal, DON'T PUT MY WHOLE DEAL ONTO THEM. Not being able to fully trust a person is not an indictment of them nor does it render them "unsafe." Not being able to fully trust people you do not yet know well is NORMAL. Its hard because many of us with relational trauma are not getting our social needs met, which can result in a level of desperation in social interactions that can be off-putting to people who do not know us. And someone being off-put by you is value neutral; not everyone immediately likes everyone else. Time is key. Going slow is key. Remembering not to treat people like Potential Enemies (even if your trauma is making you feel like they might be!) is key. Thinking about what YOU can provide to THEM, as well as the other way around, is key. Not expecting total and perfect one-to-one reciprocity is key -- communities of many people are a really ideal way to practice lower stakes relational interactions because the amount and type of participation each person brings can be in flux and slack can get picked up by various people at various times depending on their capacity and circumstances. Be curious and interested in the other people. Think of them as full and complex people who have their own stories and experiences and view getting to learn about those experiences as something exciting. Don't necessarily approach each new relationship as though you EXPECT these people to eventually get you through chemotherapy, so to speak -- that is the knock-on benefit of the relationships you build up after a history of mutually enjoyable interactions over a span of time. Even if you do not build a "getting each other through chemo" level relationship with any given person or community, it is good practice to have and a good way to get non-scary social interactions under your belt, which will help you heal your relational trauma, which will etc etc. Eventually this snowballs in a way that is noticeable and interactions start to become less aversive, they start to become exciting and rewarding, you start to have an easier time dismissing difficult or unpleasant interactions as not the end of the world, etc.

Practically speaking, it's absolutely true that some hobby and community spaces have drama or unpleasantness. It can be hard to tell which ones have more or less of that (or who is participating in a hierarchical authority-seeking way and who is there to make genuine connections) from the outside, which is why I think going slow is important. You can get a sense of who is engaging with people in a way you don't care for and simply choose to spend more time with the people who are. Or, you can decide the group doesn't seem to have the vibes you need and excuse yourself from the space BEFORE you get involved in any potential blow-ups. I cannot say enough for going slow and being *cautious* but not *suspicious*. I often feel suspicious; I now endeavor to never make that suspicion the problem of any of the other people in a space, because it is an impediment to making genuine connections.

Go in with a plan on how to care for and honor yourself if you are mistreated: Many people have noted that it's possible to incur further relational trauma in hobby/community spaces and that's absolutely true. Unfortunately that's a risk that comes free with being a social animal. Be aware of this and don't deny it or squash down any feelings of discomfort, but have a set of boundaries at the outset about what you'll tolerate and what will make you bounce. Once you're more deeply embedded, think about what kind of thing you're comfortable addressing with other people. In determining if a community is relationally safe, its really important to pay attention to how harm is addressed -- if the answer is "not at all," that's very important information, because harm happens in every relationship and community and it is important to be able to express and work through that without huge blowups happening. I look for people who are really casual about this, which sounds weird, but like... people who do not see "there is an issue" as a Scary Indictment of themselves or their space are the kind of people I wanna be around. I wanna be around people who remain levelheaded and chill about repairing ruptures and who see it as Normal and an expected part of participating in social spaces. This part isn't ALWAYS true, but: a lot of times I find that a certain kind of older woman is really good at this. It can be hard to pick up on when you are just getting started but over time you'll learn the little clues in people's interactions that let you know they're not going to be reactive or explode if someone tells them something they don't love to hear. Older people often have more *practice* maintaining long-term positive relationships, simply because of the amount of time they've had to do so, which I think can be really helpful if you're a young person.

I also look at the structure of the group and leadership. Is it really rigidly hierarchical? is leadership really authoritarian? These will not be spaces that help heal relational trauma. I look for spaces that don't make newcomers run any sort of gauntlet or prove themselves. This doesnt mean they all immediately have to accept every single new person or deny the knowledge or expertise experience has lent them, just that no one is trying to Dominate you simply because you're new. Look for spaces where people are excited for newcomers and excited to help people participate and learn.

Ummm.