Everything in my life became UBER sexualized at age 16. I figured out what boys liked and quickly realized my personality didn’t matter. As long as I looked good and performed well I was in. I think this is where everything went wrong. I didn’t have a wholesome group of friends to hang with. I had drama and boy issues. I kept my clothes tight and my insecurities tighter. I never felt heard. I never felt wanted for anything more than my looks. I felt if I told someone I knew they would hate me. Being an insecure people pleaser had its downfall. I went through boys like skittles. Trying to find one that would look at me and just want to talk. Just hold hands. Just laugh. But none did. It was always a game of how far we can go. Can I put my hands up her shirt or maybe slide a finger between her skin and waist band. The dirty talk soon followed. I learned the language flawlessly. I knew what to say and when to get a reaction. Not one that I wanted but one they were expecting. I lived in moments of anxious people pleasing. It soon became second nature. No meaning. no wanting, just words. Simple syllables that slipped from my lips. Each one colder than the last until my soul froze.
It was during this when I simply began to build. I built walls and moats. I needed to keep people out. The pain I had collected over the years by not being seen for me was too much to share. No one wanted to witness it. Obviously my personality and ideas meant nothing, my looks and performance were everything. I cradled this ugly beside me letting it grow into its own being. The walls kept everything in place. It gave me the chance to just act my part without all the mess interfering. Years went by and each boyfriend was one and the same. Each fell into a sexual dance with me. None bother to try and climb the walls. Not wanting to look deeper.
Then I met him. My future. He was interesting and fun. I thought maybe this one would be different. How easily I fell into his arms. His heart beating against mine in a song only we knew. The walls wanted to crumble and reveal my inner workings. But something stopped me. I knew if I showed my ugly he would leave. I knew if I trusted him that much then I would ruin it all without even trying. So, instead, I just tucked it away as best I could. I put on my act I had been playing for years. The one where everyone gets what they want except me. I fell in love with him. It consumed me. He became my link to living.
Except he never knew my secret. I never let him in. I decided to not face that and turn to what I knew best. I cheated on him. Not because I was mad at him or didn’t love him. God knew how much I wanted and loved him. I cheated on him because I hated myself. I became self destructive. If things were going to fuck up I was going to give them a reason to fuck up. Not just because I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, but because I DID something. I would set him free the only way I knew how. But it backfired. FOR YEARS I tried and yet he would still hold my hand and tell me he loved me. He would kiss my forehead and say it was all going to be ok.
It's been 18 years and 13 years of marriage. I asked for a divorce. I thought I was doing it to help give me peace of mind. To help calm my depression and anxiety. As it turns out, I did it for him. He deserves so much more than me. I wish I would have trusted and loved myself enough to let him fully into my soul. I wish I could have shown him my broken parts as we pieced them back together. I wish I could have shared my stories of hurt and pain without being ashamed. And as I write this the walls are now crumbling and surrounding me with echoes of my past that I have to sort through. And I am doing it alone. Always alone it seems. Alone is the path I have chosen for years.
titsay
stormborns
kaledo-art
gummygunk
blakekathryn
jacobvanloon
snowghoul
janainaart
origamiaround
baratheonpilled
