sugar we're going down swinging

Nice. Ass is usually forth on my list, after eyes, rack, and legs, so I guess I’m an everything guy too. I don’t know if they picked Cedric because he was smart or because they thought he had the best chance of not dying, which totally isn’t the same thing - I’m nowhere near as smart as Sawyer but I’d kick her ass in a life-or-death situation, after all. Damn, have you and Cupcake ever actually watched a movie? Like, ever? At all? I guess I could go to prom to get a trophy, or I could just ask you to get it for me - I wouldn’t have to go through getting hit by a powder puff, and you’d get to hold an MVP trophy for once, everyone wins. You’re about to leave high school, dipshit. If you don’t think she’s thinking about marriage while you’re thinking about sex and homework, you’re fooling yourself. Get your head in the game.

Fourth? I mean -- yeah, okay, you picked good other ones, but legs and ass kind of go together if you ask me, they’re all connected and usually if one is good the other is good, too. I didn’t think they were supposed to die though, that was just like a bad side effect. I mean, Fleur was useless but hot and she didn’t die. And Harry was useless and wasn’t even hot, and he won the whole thing. Yeah, don’t test that, I don’t want Princess Agrabah surprise murdering you. She seems like she’d be sneaky, brains can beat brawns a lot of the time. Uh... nope, on our first movie date we made out, and then it just all kinda escalated from there. You could show up to prom in sweatpants, I’d distract Cupcake before she could try to give you a makeover mid-prom. She’s not even coming to college with me for another year, chill. This isn’t 1996 or something, people don’t get married at 18 anymore. 

If that’s what you like, no wonder you’re dating Cupcake. She’s crazy. In a hot way. Better spiders in the beard than waking up every morning and knowing your life doesn’t extend beyond a few acres, but hey, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion even in that means the most boring life imaginable. The mom that popped you out is kind of cool, in a dork way. She designed some of your other mom’s tattoos, that’s kind of metal.

Yeah, sure... let’s go with that. Dude, do you really think he’s going up and down that mountain all the time? If you want adventure, go be a knight -- then you can go all over and kick people’s ass and stuff like mom does, and chicks dig armor. Yeah, only ‘cause mom asked; otherwise she’d just be doing all kinds of paintings of squirrels all the time, I think.

Ew, yeah, no need to tell me twice. Psh, Janelle wishes she could kick my ass. She’s wild but she’s no much for the Eugenator. I think Uncle Rich is doing it totally right. No rules, no responsbility, no one telling him how to live. It’s just him and the wilderness, no strings attached. Besides, you came out cool enough so obviously there’s game in the genes. Sure, sure.

She could kick your ass in a hot way, like, let her tie you up or something. That’s the best way to make it not-embarrassing at all. No one sees him for years at a time and he probably has spiders growing in his mountain man beard, bro. I don’t think I’d aspire to be that guy. I think all my cool came from my mom -- like, not the one that popped me out, the other one.

So you’re an ass guy? I should’ve guessed that, actually, from looking at your girlfriend, but still - it’s nice to know we don’t have the same taste in chicks. Cedric was just a pretty boy, unless I’m mixing up my Harry Potter and my Twilight, I don’t know; I haven’t sat down to watch a movie in a while, you might be right. Prom’s so stupid. The end of tourney season is way more crucial than some dumb dance - if I don’t end up skipping the thing altogether, I’d probably just go for the pics and leave because unlike someone I could mention, I would never let myself be whipped by anyone. Maybe if you chose the right battles to fight, your little sister wouldn’t have to do it for you! Why can’t you see that this whole Philcake thing is so…weird? It’s too casual and too serious at the same time, and I so don’t want that girl as a sister-in-law.

I’m an everything guy! But yeah, ass is pretty important, I probably look at that first if I’m being real. But they picked him above all the other kids at the school to represent Hogwarts, right? So was every wizard just really stupid, or were we supposed to assume he was smart since he was the best? I watched them with Cupcake once but we didn’t really watch them, if you know what I mean. What if the only way they’ll give you your MVP trophy is if you show up at prom to get it? Would you go then? It’s not weird, it’s awesome. Sure, she’s a little high maintenance, but her being bossy does me some good sometimes, like if I don’t do my homework I get grounded and if I get grounded I can’t see Cupcake which means I can’t have sex, so I just do my homework. Okay, cut that shit out right now. I’m in high school, there’s no talking about marriage here.

If I’m gonna be extra about anything, it’s going to be about tourney, unapologetically so. Hermione’s boobs never even got that big, you weirdo, she’s like a B-cup at most; your girlfriend has a way better rack, but she’s a total Hufflepuff which is so not as hot as a brainy Gryffindor, so I get it. I may have my snakey side but the hat would put me in Gryffindor because I’d ask for it, just like the big HP himself. I bet she’s gonna powder your face for prom again this year - I hope you like being as pretty as your girl. Aaaaaand the award for the most shallow relationship in the world goes to.. Seriously, bro. Just dump her already and find someone who can stand you even when you aren’t being Captain McJockBoy. It’ll keep me from wondering if I eventually have to beat up the third hottest girl I’ve ever met.

I guess it could be worse, you could be trying to turn me into a human Barbie doll at home, too. SHE WAS STILL HOT, even if her boobs were small. I’d rather Cupcake have bigger boobs than Hermione anyway, I get to touch those. Cupcake could be a smart Hufflepuff, that Cedric dude was smart, wasn’t he? Or was he smart when he was sparkly and not when he was a wizard? I mean, she’s the one who keeps the pictures, not me, so whatever. Hey Ror, someday you’re gonna be at prom, how do you feel about that? Uh, no. Did we not just talk about the boobs? And how she’s cheer captain and I’m tourney captain and it’s kinda a match made in heaven? I’ve got everything I want with Cupcake, it’s not like I’m looking from something really serious. You’d beat her up for me? For real? I don’t want my little sister fighting my battles, cut it out!

Cousins and babies, it’s all too confusing. Everyone’s family unless they’re not, that’s my rule. You sound kinda scared of your sister, dude. That’s not very metal of you, come on. No matter how smart girls are, you can’t beat raw muscle - it’s why Janelle lost every time we tried to play chess, whenever it looked like she was gonna win I just threw her over my shoulder and we left to go do something actually fun. Not everyone has to settle down. Uncle Richard is out there in the mountains, seeing things and living life, totally unattached and awesome. I mean, picking someone eventually also doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world, but right now? A letterman jacket might as well be a pair of handcuffs and not the fun kind.

Yeah, that’s a weird rule and it makes me feel like you’re going to end up boning your sister someday. Not that she isn’t hot, but don’t do that, nobody else will ever want to touch you again after that. Yeah, Rory would kick your ass if you tried to do that, bro -- not sure why Janelle didn’t kick your ass too, to be honest. I’d have put my money on Jungle Girl. Does anyone actually think Uncle Richard is awesome, though? Your dad always looks like he feels sad for me having that guy’s genes. Just know that I’ve got dibs on Cupcake, other than that you can take your pick.

There’s someone in the goal if you run fast enough! I get it though, I wouldn’t wanna try to take on my cross-country sister either. Psh, I would be a Gryffindor, my name is Rory, it’s got ‘roar’ in there - if I got put in the snakey house, that’d be such a waste. We don’t talk about losses! They’re in the past, where they’ll stay forevermore, because I don’t intend to lose anything ever again in my life, you got it? Um… I think that means like eyeshadow? She thinks you look better in eyeshadow? I could be wrong. Yeah, I get it. She’s not my fave person in the world but at least your girlfriend’s hot. Be smart, alright? Don’t let her distract you from the game too much, kay?

That’s never gonna help when I’m in a real game, come on, crazy, don’t be so extra about it. I’m doing a good job at the whole captain thing, I don’t need to up my name. It does have a roar in it but there’s a fine line between lions and snakes, yo -- or at least, that’s what the Hat told Harry in the first one, I dunno what happened in the later ones because Hermione got hot and I was distracted by trying to figure out what size bra she wore. What? No way, she only made me wear make up to prom last year and she never did it again. She’s not distracting me, she’s always at the games cheering for me, that’s like the opposite of what you’re worried about. I always gotta play good so she doesn’t dump me for a different dude on the team instead. 

I never got the ‘once removed’ thing - does that mean you were my family but then, like, you removed yourself from the family tree? Whatever it means, I can be related to you and not to either of your moms, so I feel totally fine calling either or both of them hot, thank you very much. What? It could happen! Rory is like, what, 5′5? 120 lbs, soaking wet? I’ve got power on my side. I get what you mean, dude. Like, it’s hard to imagine a girl hotter than Cupcake, but the only thing better than one hot girl being all yours? The potential for any hot girl to be yours. That’s why you won’t catch me settling down like, maybe ever. Still, as far as ball and chains go, you got a smokin one, man. Well done.

Nah, I looked it up once, apparently it’s what everybody thinks second cousins is. So like, uh... I can’t think of an example, I just know it’s like something to do with your cousins and their babies. Rory’s also hella focused, and she’s got all these tricks up her sleeve that nobody could even start to predict. And I’m not gonna lie, girls are smarter than boys, man, and she knows that. For real? It’s Auradon, bro, everybody settles down eventually, make sure you snag a hot one before it gets too late. Like, you can wait around a little, test drive a few, but when it looks like other people are starting to settle down, make sure you give your letterman jacket to one so nobody else can take what’s yours.

One on one tourney is harder, sure, but not impossible! You just don’t want proof that you’d lose one on one, which is fine - you can have Mom. Mama is all the moral support and love I need to make it through, and besides, I’ll just put a squirrel inside the goal and I’m sure she’d surprise us by how well she was able to defend him from the speeding balls you may or may not be able to get past me. I’m not even a little worried about the trophies, so you shouldn’t be either - but honestly, dude, your girl doesn’t seem that hard to impress, just wear something shiny and you’re good to go.

There’s no one in the goal! One on one tourney’s just like, us training to be cross country runners, and I’m a one-varsity letter kind of dude, Ror, I don’t want an ‘XC’ badge on my jacket. You’re sneaky, damn. If you were in a Hogwarts house it would be Slytherin, sis, because that squirrel move is cunning af. How are you not worried about the trophies? I swear I thought you were gonna like, rip the banister off the staircase last time you lost at something. Hey! Cupcake doesn’t think I look good in shiny stuff, she said I’m more of a matte guy. I don’t know what that means, but I know that I keep the shiny at bay if I wanna get a lay. 

Our dads are literal bros, I wouldn’t call that barely sharing anything, but fiiine, I see your point. I definitely don’t wanna die at the hands of a girl, especially not before getting a chance to show her up on the field. Dude, like, real talk though - how many cheerleaders did you hook up with before snagging Cupcake? Is it true that tourney players have endless game on and off the field?

Yeah, but that still makes melike, a first cousin once removed, donated to other people you’re like, not even related to. You should be glad that I’m telling you not to count it, this means you can say my mom is hot without anyone thinking you’re a perv. You? Show up Rory? Broooo, don’t make me laugh. So true, man.Cupcake was like, my mambo number five, and sometimes I wish I’d waited around a little more before we became a thingety-thing, but she makes it worth it. Most of the time.

Kinda makes you wonder what their endgame here was, huh? Like, what, start a turf war in Camelot? A brother versus sister one on one game to prove who’s worthy? It’s dumb. It’s probably just people trying to stir up nonsense, though, I wouldn’t go getting a bruised ego about it. The playing season’s starting and we need you as confident as can be, Phil. That’s when you kick the most butt, even m ore than when you’re trying to impress your little cheerleader.

That’s dumb, who plays tourney one on one? I mean -- I take it back, you’d probably want to, but it has to have at least two players, in which case dibs on mom, I need her more than you do, you can have mama and she can stand there and just like be inside of the goal. Hey! I already impressed her, the hard work’s done. Now we just have to win a trophy, with you on the team that’s gonna be easy peasy.

Whaaaaat? Your super cool, fresh to highschool, swol af awesome cousin Eugene doesn’t even rank close enough to Rory yet to even be mentioned? I’m hurt, dude. I mean, you haven’t really gotten to see what I can do yet, but have I ever been not awesome at anything else in life? I think not.

Dude, we barely share genes, chill! I’m sure you’ll be good, but you’re fresh meat, you can’t try and pull rank on Rory, she’d older than you. And she’ll probably murder you if you try to take her title, so like... I’m doing you a favor bro. Appreciate the kind deed.

That’s a no brainer, obviously my little sis Rory. She should honestly probably be the captain now, but she’s always been better at stuff than me. I’m not gonna just give her the one thing that makes me feel cooler than her, even if it might make the team better.