flex,time to impress

Private: I don’t think I lie a lot, but if something ever seems important enough to lie about, I hope I’d be able to pull it off. It was obviously important if I made an exception to telling it like it is on its behalf. If your mom was worried, then I’m sure my father would have a panic attack about the whole thing, too. People always tell me they’re a lot alike – didn’t your mom even want to marry him at some point? OR your mama, I mean. Your mom seems way more suited for dad. Margarita? Huh, wouldn’t have guessed that one. She’s Cupcake’s sister though, right? I don’t want to say I hate Cupcake or anything, but Eugene’s like annoyingly obsessed with her lately,you’d think she was Beast’s gift to mankind or something. I have Ivy to talk about girly stuff if I really need to, but I don’t know; someone else would be cool, too. Especially someone who’s teaching me something awesome, so count me in. It’s mostly the hitting on me thing. Why do I need to know what kind of disgusting things I apparently do to him in his dreams? Spoiler alert: I don’t!

Private: Lying is like anything else - you get better with practice. You should practice with me. Tell me three things, one a lie and two truths, and I’ll guess which is the big fat lie. Oh Beast, can you imagine if my mama had married your father? Like... we would all have to walk around with knee pads on 24/7. I love my mama a lot, obviously, but when it comes to the sportier or more extreme side, Mom is definitely more relatable, I’m sure you get that with your dads. Margarita is just grating af, no matter how hot she thinks she is. Eh, you’re telling me - my brother’s actually dating that Beast’s gift to mankind and he doesn’t even like her that much, I don’t even think, just...parts of her, but to be honest, those parts of her are probably more useful than her whole. I have a feeling you’d find something to hate about anyone Eugene wants to Eugene all over, though. Ha, so you’re his dream girl? Janelle and Hurricane sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. You two would have cute babies.

I’m an everything guy! But yeah, ass is pretty important, I probably look at that first if I’m being real. But they picked him above all the other kids at the school to represent Hogwarts, right? So was every wizard just really stupid, or were we supposed to assume he was smart since he was the best? I watched them with Cupcake once but we didn’t really watch them, if you know what I mean. What if the only way they’ll give you your MVP trophy is if you show up at prom to get it? Would you go then? It’s not weird, it’s awesome. Sure, she’s a little high maintenance, but her being bossy does me some good sometimes, like if I don’t do my homework I get grounded and if I get grounded I can’t see Cupcake which means I can’t have sex, so I just do my homework. Okay, cut that shit out right now. I’m in high school, there’s no talking about marriage here.

Nice. Ass is usually forth on my list, after eyes, rack, and legs, so I guess I’m an everything guy too. I don’t know if they picked Cedric because he was smart or because they thought he had the best chance of not dying, which totally isn’t the same thing - I’m nowhere near as smart as Sawyer but I’d kick her ass in a life-or-death situation, after all. Damn, have you and Cupcake ever actually watched a movie? Like, ever? At all? I guess I could go to prom to get a trophy, or I could just ask you to get it for me - I wouldn’t have to go through getting hit by a powder puff, and you’d get to hold an MVP trophy for once, everyone wins. You’re about to leave high school, dipshit. If you don’t think she’s thinking about marriage while you’re thinking about sex and homework, you’re fooling yourself. Get your head in the game.

I guess it could be worse, you could be trying to turn me into a human Barbie doll at home, too. SHE WAS STILL HOT, even if her boobs were small. I’d rather Cupcake have bigger boobs than Hermione anyway, I get to touch those. Cupcake could be a smart Hufflepuff, that Cedric dude was smart, wasn’t he? Or was he smart when he was sparkly and not when he was a wizard? I mean, she’s the one who keeps the pictures, not me, so whatever. Hey Ror, someday you’re gonna be at prom, how do you feel about that? Uh, no. Did we not just talk about the boobs? And how she’s cheer captain and I’m tourney captain and it’s kinda a match made in heaven? I’ve got everything I want with Cupcake, it’s not like I’m looking from something really serious. You’d beat her up for me? For real? I don’t want my little sister fighting my battles, cut it out!

So you’re an ass guy? I should’ve guessed that, actually, from looking at your girlfriend, but still - it’s nice to know we don’t have the same taste in chicks. Cedric was just a pretty boy, unless I’m mixing up my Harry Potter and my Twilight, I don’t know; I haven’t sat down to watch a movie in a while, you might be right. Prom’s so stupid. The end of tourney season is way more crucial than some dumb dance - if I don’t end up skipping the thing altogether, I’d probably just go for the pics and leave because unlike someone I could mention, I would never let myself be whipped by anyone. Maybe if you chose the right battles to fight, your little sister wouldn’t have to do it for you! Why can’t you see that this whole Philcake thing is so...weird? It’s too casual and too serious at the same time, and I so don’t want that girl as a sister-in-law.

Private: Well, everyone says I take after my dad and not my father, he’s the king of b.s.ing his way out of stuff. Does this mean I didn’t get his talent? That I’ve got some work to do before my evasion tactics are useful? Mixed martial arts are cool; I can’t believe you made the jump from that to tourney, it seems like a huge change. Huh. I guess it’s too late for this year, but being better at tourney than him might have been fun, now that you mention it… but I don’t know, maybe I can just practice and when I try out next year I’ll already be better, and won’t have to risk just being some embarrassment to him. Beast, this all sounds so girly, maybe I take more after father than I thought, gross. Has any girl turned you loopy? I’d definitely be down for a work out buddy; I’d even be down to try out the mixed martial arts thing, to be honest, if you wanted to get back into that. One condition, though – I get to use those skills on Hurricane, he’s disgusting.

Private: It means maybe you don’t take after your dad in everything, Kid, but you’ve got plenty of time to learn to either lie better or, you know, tell the truth more often. One way or another. Mixed martial arts are bomb, but really dangerous - Mama was supportive enough, but I don’t know, I could tell she was worried every time I stepped in the ring and giving her a heart attack really wasn’t on my list of things to do, and Mom was really good at tourney, and it was fun enough and honestly, any excuse to be active works, so it was enough enough to give up. If it makes you feel any better, this level of girly is still, like, waaaay less girly than other girls I know or have had the misfortune to listen to, like my brother’s girlfriend, for instance. Psh, no girl’s ever going to make me loopy, at least not in love - that Margarita girl grinds my gears like no one else, but that’s totally different. That doesn’t mean I’m not, like, empathetic to your plight, you know. A work out buddy to get you good at tourney, stronger feeling in general, and maybe give me bits of mixed martial arts back could also be a good opportunity to talk to someone about the girly stuff who isn’t going to judge you, if you want. I wouldn’t mind. Ha! Yeah, sure, use the skills on whoever you want. What has Hurricane ever done to you? I think the little dude’s kind of hilarious, but then again I’m way too gay for him to hit on.

Private: I don’t want to be a quitter! I just don’t want to be someone who gets handouts, either, or someone who gets in other people’s way. I’ve always been a big fan of winning at game night, or having snowball fights, or… I don’t know, maybe I’m just too much of a wild jungle girl to settle down and be a good part of a team. It’s hard to explain; it’s all kind of new and confusing to me right now, I guess. I get the adrenaline thing, I do, it’s these other weird feelings that I’m not used to. Would it help if we pretended he was a girl who was on the team instead? I mean… don’t you have a best friend? How would you feel if you decided to sign up for something with your best friend and then they suddenly forgot you were there with them? Ugh, you’re right, this conversation is gross and girly, is this what high school does to a person?

Private: That all still sounds like a bunch of excuses to me, kid. Look, being a wild jungle girl doesn’t mean you can’t kick ass in tourney. I mean, tourney wasn’t my first love either - I wanted to be the mixed martial arts champ of the world, which is a way different world, but if you love the adrenaline and the game? That’s all you need. You’ve got the energy and the bones for it, and if you get the drive zapped outta you by something like a “best friend”....I don’t know, I’d use that anger. I’d channel all that negative energy onto the field, because if you play it off, it feels better. Everything feels better when you sweat it out. Beats me, Janelle. I’ve been in high school a year longer than you and no boy’s turned me loopy yet. I mean, it helps that I’m really gay, but still, avoiding feelings altogether? Definitely would recommend that, as soon as you feel something for someone else that’s outta your control - well, that’s when more workouts and training comes in handy. Look, I get it if tourney’s too hard or whatever with the Eugene factor, but if you want a workout buddy or anything, hit me up, okay? I think you’ve got potential.

That’s never gonna help when I’m in a real game, come on, crazy, don’t be so extra about it. I’m doing a good job at the whole captain thing, I don’t need to up my name. It does have a roar in it but there’s a fine line between lions and snakes, yo – or at least, that’s what the Hat told Harry in the first one, I dunno what happened in the later ones because Hermione got hot and I was distracted by trying to figure out what size bra she wore. What? No way, she only made me wear make up to prom last year and she never did it again. She’s not distracting me, she’s always at the games cheering for me, that’s like the opposite of what you’re worried about. I always gotta play good so she doesn’t dump me for a different dude on the team instead. 

If I’m gonna be extra about anything, it’s going to be about tourney, unapologetically so. Hermione’s boobs never even got that big, you weirdo, she’s like a B-cup at most; your girlfriend has a way better rack, but she’s a total Hufflepuff which is so not as hot as a brainy Gryffindor, so I get it. I may have my snakey side but the hat would put me in Gryffindor because I’d ask for it, just like the big HP himself. I bet she’s gonna powder your face for prom again this year - I hope you like being as pretty as your girl. Aaaaaand the award for the most shallow relationship in the world goes to.. Seriously, bro. Just dump her already and find someone who can stand you even when you aren’t being Captain McJockBoy. It’ll keep me from wondering if I eventually have to beat up the third hottest girl I’ve ever met.

There’s no one in the goal! One on one tourney’s just like, us training to be cross country runners, and I’m a one-varsity letter kind of dude, Ror, I don’t want an ‘XC’ badge on my jacket. You’re sneaky, damn. If you were in a Hogwarts house it would be Slytherin, sis, because that squirrel move is cunning af. How are you not worried about the trophies? I swear I thought you were gonna like, rip the banister off the staircase last time you lost at something. Hey! Cupcake doesn’t think I look good in shiny stuff, she said I’m more of a matte guy. I don’t know what that means, but I know that I keep the shiny at bay if I wanna get a lay. 

There’s someone in the goal if you run fast enough! I get it though, I wouldn’t wanna try to take on my cross-country sister either. Psh, I would be a Gryffindor, my name is Rory, it’s got ‘roar’ in there - if I got put in the snakey house, that’d be such a waste. We don’t talk about losses! They’re in the past, where they’ll stay forevermore, because I don’t intend to lose anything ever again in my life, you got it? Um... I think that means like eyeshadow? She thinks you look better in eyeshadow? I could be wrong. Yeah, I get it. She’s not my fave person in the world but at least your girlfriend’s hot. Be smart, alright? Don’t let her distract you from the game too much, kay?

Private: Do you really think I have that much potential? Because I think that I just showed up because I wanted something I could do to hang out with my best friend, and then we got to try outs and he already started becoming a different person. It was fun, but so is hanging out with my dad and getting tree surfing lessons every afternoon, and it’s probably easier to deal with than wearing the same uniform as a bunch of guys who just want to hit on cheerleaders all afternoon. I mean, how do you do it? How do you remember to love the sport so much when those guys are… no offense, kind of hard to be around? I don’t know, I liked playing tourney, but I just didn’t feel like it was that good of a fit. Do you know what Eugene said to me when I said I should maybe quit? Nothing. He had like, zero reaction. I don’t want to mess up your team by being distracted. Maybe someday when you’re in charge and can keep the boys from being, well, dumb boys. 

Private: I did. Now you just kinda sound like a quitter. Look, I’m not gonna lie, the dudes on the team are idiots, the lot of them. My brother and your best friend included. But they’re not all bad. Sometimes they’re hard to handle but being on a team together? Having a joint purpose? It makes them almost likable sometimes, and nothing is bad enough to outweigh how great winning feels. I mean, you’re the daughter of a family that joins beasts and gorillas, you have to know what I mean - that rush of the wind, that adrenaline coursing through you? It’s awesome. It’s everything. So...ugh, I hate that I’m going to ruin the Bechdel test of our conversation right now, but you shouldn’t let Eugene’s opinions or lack of opinions on stuff change your courses, dude. He’s just a boy. Who cares? Do it for yourself.

BED: @janelleofthejungle, Hottie Princess Extraordinaire. 9/10.

WED: @christiandarling​ so he doesn’t end up alone like his Daddy. Plus he’s kind of a pushover, he wouldn’t stop me from being all about sports all the time. He’d be like my number one cheerleader.

Oh yeah that. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ror, but I’m not dumb. I know there were guys out there who were a zillion times better than me that got cut, and that I only made it because I’m the princess. I don’t want special favors – maybe I’ll work harder and try out again next year, but for the time being it seems like all I’d be doing at tourney practice is cramping people’s style anyway.

Private: So? Let’s say that was the reason you got picked. Let’s say there were tons of dudes who technically performed better but you got the spot because of who you are. Why turn it down? Why look a gift horse in the mouth? Instead of turning your nose up at the opportunity a lot of guys would kill for, why not instead take it head on? Work hard, play hard, and earn your spot by being the second baddest bitch out there. Tourney is awesome, you’re fun, and you hate sitting still - it seems like a no brainer, Highness. You belong on the team. Why don’t you believe that?

That’s dumb, who plays tourney one on one? I mean – I take it back, you’d probably want to, but it has to have at least two players, in which case dibs on mom, I need her more than you do, you can have mama and she can stand there and just like be inside of the goal. Hey! I already impressed her, the hard work’s done. Now we just have to win a trophy, with you on the team that’s gonna be easy peasy.

One on one tourney is harder, sure, but not impossible! You just don’t want proof that you’d lose one on one, which is fine - you can have Mom. Mama is all the moral support and love I need to make it through, and besides, I’ll just put a squirrel inside the goal and I’m sure she’d surprise us by how well she was able to defend him from the speeding balls you may or may not be able to get past me. I’m not even a little worried about the trophies, so you shouldn’t be either - but honestly, dude, your girl doesn’t seem that hard to impress, just wear something shiny and you’re good to go.

Glad to see people would rather try to turn us against each other than tell me if they’ve got a problem with my leadership. Awesome teammates, huh?

Kinda makes you wonder what their endgame here was, huh? Like, what, start a turf war in Camelot? A brother versus sister one on one game to prove who’s worthy? It’s dumb. It’s probably just people trying to stir up nonsense, though, I wouldn’t go getting a bruised ego about it. The playing season’s starting and we need you as confident as can be, Phil. That’s when you kick the most butt, even m ore than when you’re trying to impress your little cheerleader.