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Meyers: Welcome back. We're here with Phil Cole. Now Phil, you've had a lot of legal trouble over the years, right?

PBC: Yes.

Meyers: Most recently your little problem with Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live.

PBC: That might be going to litigation. I can't talk about it.

Meyers: No, but I can ha ha. Now Jay Novello, better known as Father, now Bishop Guido Sarducci, joined you for a few comedy routines and Lorne Michaels filed a lawsuit-cease and desist order that you were in violation of your contract to not use his former employees without permission.

PBC: Yes, 11 years ago, but since then he started releasing individual, starting with the original cast. First I got to use John Belushi jokes...

(They show a silent clip of the photo essay posted long ago.)

PBC: We went a long way with that. Garret Morris jokes...didn't do so well.

Meyers: Ha ha ha.

PBC: Then Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman and so on, and eventually he started releasing whole blocks of people at once. I did some good things with Mary Gross and Victoria Jackson.

Meyers: Weow!

PBC: Not those things, ha ha comedy skits. So I was sure, and I'm still sure if it goes to court, God forbid, the judge will agree I was free to work with Novello.

Meyers: You know I was on Saturday Night Live once.

PBC: I must have missed those years.

Meyers: Ha ha, and Jimmy Fallon.

PBC: Michaels knew that someday I might need you to keep my career going, someday you might need me to keep your career going.

Meyers: The way things are going...

PBC: We're all in danger.

Meyers: But even now there are a few people from the original SNL cast that you can't appear with.

PBC: Yes.

Meyers: Chevy Chase.

PBC: Yes, well he appeared as a guest several times in later years...

Meyers: Dan Aykroyd.

PBC: Mm.

Meyers: And Bill Murray...ladies and gentlemen please welcome Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray.

Chase, Aykroyd and Murray singing as the curtain opens: We are the 3 amigos,

We are the 3 amigos,

We are the 3 Amigos

And amigos forever we'll be.

We are the 3 amigos...

PBC: I'm doomed!

Sardonicus would have dropped to 36th last week.

The other high profile interview would be with Seth Meyers. Though I would have been unofficially banned from the show several years ago I wouldn't know it. My first agent would have stopped trying. I wouldn't care. My new agent, not suspecting anything, would have signed me up for May 19, then they would have decided not to air any new episodes that week. I would not have been happy going to New York for just one interview, so my agent would have booked a few book signings over the weekend. I would appear on the last 2 segments of tonight's show.

Meyers: Welcome back. Our next guest has not been on the show for quite a long time, but he has been busy making movies, writing and producing albums and getting a lot of attention. His next film is coming out July 31. Please welcome Phil Cole.

(I would walk out with the cane as they play French Eyes.)

Meyers: Welcome, welcome back.

PBC: Thanks for having me.

Meyers: Well, earlier this year on a hm hm rival show, you revealed a long kept secret. Here it is.

(They show the clip announcing that Roman Polanski was the last name on Phillip's sick list, as posted previously.)

Meyers: How does it feel to have that out in the open?

PBC: It feels great. It was a tremendous burden all these years.

Meyers: What was it like?

PBC: Every time I wrote a new joke I had to talk to someone about it. "Can't say that, might affect the betting," "Don't talk to her, might change the betting." Then whenever a suspect died I get barraged with calls. Was it him? Was it her?

Meyers: Were there any big movements?

PBC: The biggest one I guess was when I sold a song to Willie Nelson. I don't know why people were betting on him, but they stopped suddenly and shook up the list.

Meyers: Do you consider it good or bad that Polanski was, what was it?

PBC: 54th.

Meyers: 54th on the list.

PBC: It worked out, because I don't think anyone ever asked me directly.

Meyers: And um...did anyone on the list feel let down that it wasn't he or she?

PBC: Most of them.

Meyers: Ha ha ha ha ha.

PBC: That's most of the ones I'm on speaking terms with. We've got lots of enemies.

Meyers: So I've heard. So your new movie is called The Global Warming Monster. Here's the trailer.

(They play part of the trailer as posted previously.)

Meyers: So, you're playing a scientist in this one?

PBC: Well, he has a degree in climatology, but he's better at practical things, coordinating personnel, arranging rescue missions...

Meyers: Does he climb the mountain and fight the monster?

PBC: No, he's the manager of operations at base camp. When he finds out that the monster is eating mountain climbers he has a lot of work to do.

Meyers: Do you think there really is a monster like that under the snow?

PBC: There might be. If they find one, I get copyright now.

The other high profile appearance would have been postponed. My previous agent would have booked an interview with Svengoolie late in April and they would have decided to air it tonight. Svengoolie would have come to me at my home in Nevada for the interview. It would air early in the second hour of the show, shortly after 9 pm eastern time.

Svengoolie: Welcome back to our show. Right now we have a recently taped interview with Phil Cole, talking about his upcoming summer blockbuster film The Global Warming Monster.

(They show part of the trailer as previously posted.)

(Tape begins.)

Svengoolie: Here we are at the specious Nevada home and film studio of producer, director, singer and writer and actor Phil Cole. Is there anything you don't do?

PBC: I did very badly molding plastics, but the one man watching enjoyed it as a comedy routine.

Svengoolie: Ha ha ha true story, I'm sure.

PBC: Didn't want to damage these beautiful fingers.

Svengoolie: Looks like Lugosi in Return of the Vampire; so Phil, you have a new horror movie coming out this summer.

PBC: July 31 in theaters everywhere, the Global Warming Monster.

Svengoolie: We just showed a piece of the trailer. Do you have a still photo of the monster?

PBC: Why not: look.

Svengoolie: Look at the size of that mouth, and fully camouflaged by the snow.

PBC: Almost like being absorbed into the environment.

Svengoolie: And it stars the Rock Duane Johnson, Justin Bieber, rising star Haley Pine, the third in the series that includes Sardonicus.

(They show a silent clip of Sardonicus.)

PBC: Yes: 2 horror movies and a mystery and a comedy remake, all filmed in the Canadian Rockies.

Svengoolie: And tell us quickly what the movie is about.

PBC: This creature has been living off of ice and snow. With less snow around it develops a taste for mountain climbers.

Svengoolie: Did you yourself climb the mountains?

PBC: Not I, but some of the cast and crew went to the top. I went up about 5000 feet so there would be real snow in my scenes. My character, by the way, didn't climb the mountain either. He's the operations manager at base camp.

Svengoolie: So the Global Warming Monster opens up everywhere July 31 and we have another announcement. This fall we will have the Svengoolie premiere of your first horror movie: Attack of the Flying Oysters. Will you join us for that?

PBC: If I can.

Svengoolie: Phil, the movie we're showing tonight is called Dr. Cyclops. Do you remember that one?

PBC: I might have seen it once as a child, but it wasn't in the rotation I watched.

Svengoolie: What were you watching?

PBC: I lived in Boston then and on Friday nights on channel 56 we had the Ghoul movie.

Svengoolie: My late friend Ron Sweed.

PBC: Yes, then on Saturday we had creature double feature, mostly Japanese and American International. Then, beginning in the fall of 72 Classic Horror on a VHF channel. That was mostly Universal from 1931 onwards through the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Svengoolie: Expert on the great ones; you could take my job.

PBC: When I got a look at Mystery Science Theater 3000 I told my aunt, "That should be us."

Stewart: Welcome back. We're here with Phil Cole. Phil, I understand you have a lot of upcoming projects.

PBC: Yes, late this year the fourth of the Justin Bieber quartet of films will be out. We have to release it in December because I'm expecting some Oscar nominations.

Stewart: What's it called?

PBC: Agatha Christie's And then there were none.

Stewart: A counting backwards book for the big screen; that's been made several times before. What makes you think you could do it better?

PBC: I made it real. Since age 8 when I watched the 60s version I've been rethinking the story, figuring out what I would have done if I was there and in this movie someone does what I would have done.

Stewart: Do you play that part?

PBC: No, I'm too old, but I get a couple good scenes too.

Stewart: What part does Justin Bieber play?

PBC: The drunk driver.

Stewart: Doesn't he always...die first?

PBC: Not in my movie, he doesn't. Think about it! You've got 10 people to kill. Why on Earth would you start with the man who might sleep through the whole weekend?

Stewart: So this is not the story we've all seen.

PBC: Far from it; this is how it should have gone!

Stewart: And you have some other movies coming up.

PBC: All over the world actually, but the ones most Americans care about are 2 mor Justin Bieber films. I can't give the details, but one of them is a biopic of a singer from long ago. The other is a fictional story based on one of the albums.

Stewart: And I heard about one more.

PBC: Oh yes, a sequel to The world's most disgusting Comedian.

Stewart: And would you by any chance have a part in it for me?

PBC: Jon, you're not disgusting enough!

Stewart: Haha thanks, I guess.

PBC: But we have a contract in the back if you want to be second unit director.

Stewart: Uh, tell us what a second unit director does.

PBC: well, in some movies all he does is tell the extras where to stand and the camera where to point, but in this movie he'll be directing about a third of the scenes.

Stewart: One third.

PBC: Maybe after it's done you can have a contest to guess which third.

Stewart: Ha ha ha, and what about my friend Larry Wilmore? Would you have a job for him/

PBC: Well, if you want him to help you...

Stewart: Yes?

PBC: You pay him!

Sardonicus the song would have spent 3 weeks at 33 then dropped to 34 last weekend. Incidentally, if this was a true story Lady Gaga would be less popular, so her new song would not yet be in the top 40 and the last one would not have reached number one and would have dropped out of the top 40 2 months ago.

Since losing his Senate seat Bernie Sanders would have been touring the country recruiting socialists and communists to run in this year's elections. So far 3 persons not on any real ballot this year would have won Democratic primaries for the US House of Representatives. Some would be running in Republican primaries, clouding their real agenda. Some would be running as Libertarians, taking nominations from real Libertarians. With my money tied up in business projects and the value of my endorsement dubious, I would be powerless about the situation.

I would have told my new agent to get me 2 high profile interviews in May. The first would have been on The Daily Show Monday. Jon Stewart returned to the show but hosts it only on Monday and I would need him to conduct the interview. It would air in the final 2 segments.

Stewart: Welcome back. Our guest tonight is a writer, comedian, singer, producer, director, philosopher, the true renaissance man of entertainment Phil Cole.

(I would walk out to the tune of Sardonicus, using only my cane.)

Stewart: Welcome Phil, how are you?

PBC: Pretty good today.

Stewart: Using only a cane I see.

PBC: Yes, every day I get up, breathe a while.

Stewart: That always helps, ha ha.

PBC: Yes, walk around the room a few times, then decide what form of assistance I need that day.

Stewart: Good news then; well this is your first interview since the big moment:

(They show the clip announcing Roman Polanski was the last name on Phillip's sick list, as posted previously.)

Stewart: Since then you've been in hiding.

PBC: Not in hiding, a good vacation and a lot of business trips.

Stewart: Very well; why Roman Polanski?

PBC: It's Phillip's list, not mine; it's obvious though: a lot of serious crimes and bad movies got to be too much for Phillip to stomach.

Stewart: Like...Rosemary's Baby.

PBC: Even if the subject matter was not disturbing, the movie stinks.

Stewart: Ha ha ha ha ha, speaking of movies, you have a new one coming out this summer.

(They play part of the commercial previously posted.)

Stewart: Now Phil, you've been critical of the proponents of global warming. Does this indicate that your opinion is changing?

PBC: No, I have been critical of the people who want to shut down whole industries on the false belief that we can end the problem by unilateral action. Last year someone made a movie that showed how to end global warming.

Stewart: I don't recall that one.

PBC: Don't worry. It stunk. They kill everyone over 50. Of course it starts many years after they killed about 6 billion people who didn't like the idea.

Stewart: Alright, so tell us about the movie: The Global Warming Monster.

PBC: Very simple, a big beast that has been living on ice and snow for a long time needs something else to eat and develops a taste for mountain climbers.

Stewart; Ha ha and how did you decide to make the movie?

PBC: We were starting the other 3 movies on location in the Canadian Rockies, had some delays and I looked at the mountains, some covered with snow year round and decided that one more obvious movie, using the environment, would help a lot. By the way, the paperback book, graphic novel and 6 part comic book series are also going on sale July 31.

Stewart: Yes, now your last release: Sardonicus, was a bit of a flop.

PBC: I'm content with the sales.

Stewart: And leading man Justin Bieber got very poor reviews for his acting.

PBC: Well, the thing to remember is that we started that film first while we were waiting for cooperative weather. So that is his real film debut. They were ok with his acting in North to Alaska I think.

Stewart: Yes, they were.

PBC: And he has 6 new songs in this one!

Most stations that aired the clip would have silenced the tape because of background sounds. They would have made all kinds of errors and told diverse lies. One station would say it was my mother's funeral, then retract it. Some would lie about a lifelong battle with alcoholism and accuse me of drunk driving. I would have written a snappy retort then decided not to use it because I would be changing agents effective May 1 and wouldn't want to trouble the man in his final weeks. The new agent would understand that he would be primarily a booking agent and try not to influence content. I would have taken a train home to Nevada and postponed all international travel outside of the Americas.

Sardonicus the movie would have ended its run with %88 million domestic and $211 million international. French Eyes would have dropped out of the top 100. Sardonicus the song would have peaked at 28 for 2 weeks and dropped to 32 last week.

We would have decided to release The Global warming Monster on July 31 and started running commercials yesterday on the Sci-Fi Channel. Dwayne Johnson, Haley Pine, Justin Bieber and myself would appear in the commercial.

PBC: This is what I always feared, our recklessness has unleashed the

Johnson: Global

Pine: Warming

Bieber: Monster!

Announcer: Yes, the global warming monster, content to live on a diet of ice and snow for ages is driven from its habitat in search of a new food source, and it's you! The global warming monster has 72 minutes of pulse-pounding suspense and action, 6 new original Justin Bieber songs:

Bieber: (Singing as the monster approaches him from behind) My love is higher than the highest mountain, hungrier than a bear

Pine: You're so wonderful I could eat you up.

Sardonicus the movie would now be at $84 million domestic and $206 million international. Sardonicus the song would have risen to 30. French Eyes would be out of the top 100 on the pop chart and sinking through the 90s country.

The wife of another first cousin once removed passed away on March 11. I would have been in California when I learned about it. The funeral was Friday. I would have been sick and taken too much cough medicine, then badly mixed the Chris Janson concoction for one glass before leaving for the airport. Before liftoff I would have taken an air sickness pill. I would have forgotten to bring my cane. Delays would have caused me to miss the funeral and internment, then show up at the reception very late, staggering. A caterer would have filmed me and released the tape. The first to air it would be Extra, hosted by Mona Kosa Abdi today. The show is syndicated, running at diverse times during the weekend.

Abdi: Yesterday entertainer Phil Cole appeared in public for the first time since announcing that Roman Polanski was the last name on Phillip's sick list. He appeared very late at a family funeral, and in a stupor. Extra has the exclusive video.

PBC: I'm vewwwy sorrwe.

Sardonicus, the movie, would have reached $82 million domestic and $194 million international. Sardonicus the song would have risen to 33 while French Eyes would have started going back down last week.

The bombing of Iran would have caused a postponement of the far east stops on my upcoming business trip. We would all be thankful that we revealed the last name before the death of Ali Khameini.

A young man who does solos on banjo would have participated in 2 of my southern tours. We would have encouraged him to write original songs and late last year he would have presented us with almost enough presentable songs for an album. I would have had him record 3 songs I wrote to complete the album, produced it and released it at midnight last night. The first to play one of my songs would be a friend of his: Rick Burgess on The Rick Burgess Show on country station WZZK in Alabama. He is on from 5 to 10 am daily and would play it after the 7:30 station break.

Burgess: Here's a new song from a friend of mine: _____ _________. It's called Damn the torpedoes; we're going through.

________: In the early Civil War the yanks were in a rut,

So they called on old Admiral Farragut.

When they told the man about torpedoes in Mobile Bay,

Ever'ryone agrees he was heard to say,

"Damn the torpedoes; we're going through!

Damn the torpedoes; we're going through!

Damn the torpedoes ; we're going through!"

That worked for me. That'll work for you!

(Instrumental)

Meanwhile in Virginie the generals did punt,

Until Ulysses S. Grant took over at the front.

He insisted that the army push on ahead.

It wasn't quite original but this is what he said,

(Repeat chorus.)

My friend if you face obstacles in work or life or love,

Don't look at the problems, look up to God above.

Gather some friends to help you, and say to one and all:

"Our resources are very great. These obstacles are small!"

So say, "Damn the torpedoes; we're going through!

Damn the torpedoes; we're going through.

Damn the torpedoes; we're going through."

It worked for them and me. Now it will work for you!

It worked for them and me. Now it will work for you!

The show would give a boost to Sardonicus, the song and the movie, so the movie would have hit $80 million domestic and $190 international last weekend. The song would jump to 35th pop while French Eyes would go back up to 90 and 81 on the pop and country charts respectively.

The rules I set for this project do not require me to post any occasions in which any foreign language version of my songs recorded by myself or anyone else first appeared on tv or radio. It also doesn't require me to post any occasion in which someone sang my song verbatim or made a small but unofficial adjustment. However the Hank Williams Jr. version of 58-23 posted months ago was obligatory because it contained a deliberate adjustment of the lyrics. The commercial version (with Maren Morris doing the female part) would be different still from that version so I have to post it. Though Williams would have waited for French Eyes to be dropping low he would not have further delayed release for Sardonicus. So they would have decided that February 27 would be the right day to release it as a single. It would go on sale at midnight and get little attention. The first to play it on radio would be Jeff Hoover, owner of country station WJRS in Kentucky, fm 104.9. He hosts a show called Breakfast with Bucket. He would play it near the end of the show.

Hoover: Finally this morning a new song released today by Hank Williams and Maren Morris. It was a hit last year by another feller. It's called 58-23, and that ain't a basketball score.

Williams: (Chorus) I'm 58. She's 23.

Marrying her might be the death of me.

Her body is perfect from toes to hair.

The places in between, well I love to go there.

I'm not robbin' the cradle. She's in the playpen,

And I might need them both soon, not sure when.

Morris: He's 58. I'm 23,

But we're as happy as can be.

Some folks say that this is wrong.

"Don't even try it; won't last long."

Williams and Morris: Why don't they mind their business and go away.

Right or wrong we make the bed and in it we lay.

(musical interlude)

Williams: She should make more money than I'll ever earn.

She's a real good catch but what should I do?

My friends all say, She's too young for you."

(Repeat chorus)

Morris: I'm 23. He's 58.

That's a long gap I won't debate,

But he's healthy and strong and he loves me to death.

We ran a race last week. I's the one out of breath.

He has no degree, but he knows about life.

Yesterday he asked me to become his wife.

Williams and Morris: Some say, "Don't do it. He's much too old.

Soon his brain will be soft and his hands will be cold."

I know all about life expectancy,

But his kisses, oh they give me ecstasy.

So I'll give him a chance anyhow,

And I'm gonna start writing my wedding vow.

(Repeat chorus)

Williams and Morris: We're gonna start writing our wedding vows,

And we're gonna make this all work out somehows.

Morris: He's 58. I'm 23,

I really would get out as soon as possible, not going to the dressing room first, pushed in a wheelchair most of the way. Not too many people would be upset it was Roman Polanski, but a few trouble makers would suggest that I changed it in recent years or chose the name after 2014. I would have recorded an interview before the Late Show filmed and they would play it in the first segment. The show would start with the band playing instrumental versions of tunes I wrote.

Colbert: Welcome to the Late Show Afterparty. A few minutes ago we witnessed the most awaited moment in tv history.

(They play the announcement as posted.)

Colbert: Phil has left the building, but before he left he spoke with us a couple more minutes. Here's the interview.

(Tape begins.)

Colbert: Now that we know the last name, what are you going to do?

PBC: I'm going to Disneyworld.

Colbert: Really?

PBC: Vacation in Florida, then a long business trip.

Colbert: Is there anything you would like to say now?

PBC: I want to thank the people who knew, about 4 of them, and kept it secret all this time.

Colbert: How do you feel?

PBC: Great, this is such a relief. For years I couldn't tell a joke or make a comment without someone warning me it might affect the betting.

Colbert: Well, I wish you all the best and I guess I'll see you in rehearsal.

PBC: Yes, it should be great.

(Tape ends.)

Colbert: welcome back. We are now just moments, maybe just seconds away from the most anticipated announcement in tv history since who shot J.R. One of these suspects, people from various walks of life and parts of the world, are suspected of being the last name on the list of celebrities that made Phillip the Boston intellectual sick. Phil Cole sits beside me about to tell us at last which one it is. First of all, is it suspect number 51 Hall of fame center Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons. Is it Bill Laimbeer, Phil?

PBC: No, that is a very good guess though. Laimbeer was a filthy player and an enemy of the Boston Celtics when Phillip was a young man. He wasn't a sports fan but he learned about the bad ones. Laimbeer though, unlike...Dennis Rodman for instance, went away after he finished his mischief.

Colbert: Very well, now we move on to suspect number 52: controversial comedienne Kathy Griffin. Is she the last name on Phillip's sick list?

PBC: No, and it's a very bad guess. Phillip didn't even know who Kathy Griffin was in 2014. Not only that, I kind of like her.

Colbert: Really?

PBC: Yes, and now that this is over, I wouldn't mind giving her a part in The World's second most disgusting Comedian.

Colbert: Really?

PBC: Yes, indeed. She's more disgusting than you are.

Colbert: Ha ha ha...thanks, I guess.

PBC: Now that I've said that though she probably has to die in the first scene, She won't be good as a suspect.

Colbert: Ok ha ha ha...well...we still have to move on to the next name. Number 53 is rapper Ice T sitting right there in the front row as he prepares to entertain us on the Afterparty Show immediately following the broadcast. Is Ice T the last name on Phillip's sick list?

PBC: No.

Colbert: Did Phillip know about him?

PBC: Yes, one day in the 90s he found out Ice T was doing something a cold beverage could not do and we explained it to him. He didn't seek out his music though. Ice tea was his preferred drink at restaurants.

Colbert: Ha ha, ok Ice, you're off the hook, get ready to perform. Now we move on to suspect number 54: Polish film director Roman Polanski. Is Roman Polanski the last name on Phillip's sick list?

PBC: Yes!

(Balloons and streamers fall from the ceiling. The band tries to improvise a polka.)

Colbert: Why was Roman Polanski the last name?

PBC: Serious crimes and bad movies.

Colbert: Fair enough; are you staying with us for the after party?

PBC: No, I'm getting out of here as fast as I can.

Colbert: well thank you so much for a great run and a great ending. See you in rehearsal someday soon, huh?

PBC: Yes, thank you.

Colbert: Welcome back. Before the break we learned that these 10 famous, maybe infamous celebrities, are not the last name on the list of celebrities that made Phillip sick. Phil Cole is here with us as we continue down the list, waiting to learn the secret that has driven men wild for almost 12 years. Phil, before we move on, would you like to make any comments about the top 10?

PBC: Not now.

Colbert: You realize this is your last visit to the show?

PBC: Yes, I'll make further comments elsewhere.

Colbert: Alright, now let's reveal the next 10 names, numbers 11 through 20, suspected of being the last unknown celebrity that made Phillip sick....Well, an interesting collection. Let's see, we have Mick Jagger in 11th place, Ayatollah Ali Khameini in 15th, Boston bomber Zhokhar Tsarnaev in 18th place, Calvin Klein still in 19th place even though you eliminated him last year. Is the last name on Phillip's sick list between 11th and 20th place?

PBC: (long pause) No!

Colbert: Ok , any comments about any of these, maybe Tsarnaev?

PBC: We' Phillip wrote the Boston Bombing poem, but, since he killed all those people Tsarnaev has just been sitting around waiting to find out if we're going to execute him or not. That's what mass murderers are supposed to do.

Colbert: Alright, so now let's move on. Please unveil the names of suspects 21 through 30....Ok, former Syrian President Hafez Assad in 21st place, Alan Greenspan 24th. You eliminated King Charles as a suspect, but Queen Camilla stands in 26th place. So, some good guesses maybe; is the last name on Phillip's sick list between 21st and 30th place?

PBC: (long pause) No!

Colbert: Any especially good or bad choices there?

PBC: Most of them make sense.

Colbert: Very well, let's continue our search with the names of suspects 31 through 40....a lot of celebrities there: Whoopi Goldberg 32nd, Oprah Winfrey 34th. Pope Francis is deceased but still in 36th place. I must point out that the rankings are not set by odds makers, but estimates of total bets made for the suspects since they started counting about 11 years ago. There's former Venezuela Premier Nicolas Maduro, now in custody and in 38th place and Robert Wagner in 40th. So Phil, is the last name on the list between 31 and 40?

PBC: (long pause) No!

Colbert: Wow! A lot of suspense here, maybe some people relieved. Are you...do you find any of these interesting?

PBC: The one that most interests me is Robert Wagner. A few years ago I said something that sent him climbing the list like crazy. I have dropped a few hints along the way, but that one was not intended at all.

Colbert: Ok, we only have an hour show before the after party, so let's proceed to suspects 41 through 50...My goodness, you've got Shirley Maclaine, Prince Andrew, Taylor Swift, Kamala Harris still in 47th place even though you eliminated her years ago, the Menendez brothers even though you repeatedly told everyone it is one individual, not a group. Well Phil, is the last name on Phillip's list between 41st and 50th place?

PBC: (long pause) No!

Colbert: No! Well, do any of these suspects strike you as particularly wise or foolish?

PBC: Taylor Swift is one of the dumbest bets anyone ever made. Remember Phillip completed the list in 2014 and back then she hadn't done any harm yet.

Colbert: Uh...what harm has she done since then?

PBC: Someday I'll explain it, but not on this show.

Colbert: Very well, let's see the list from 51 to 60...well Phil, is the last name between 51st and 60th place?

PBC: (long pause) Yes!

Sardonicus, the movie, would now be at $75 million domestic, $158 million international. Sardonicus the song would have been 41st last weekend. French Eyes would be at 94 pop and 87 country.

For the big announcement the format of the Late Show would again be different. After a brief monologue they would go to commercial, then the second segment would feature clips of Phillip performing and the team eliminating suspects, all posted previously.

Colbert: Welcome back. Tonight we are going to reveal the last name on Phillip's sick list, ending a long national nightmare. Gathered for this distinguished and auspicious event are a few of the people who were on the sick list revealed nearly 12 years ago. President Trump...couldn't be here tonight, but we do have Hall of Fame basketball star Dennis Rodman. Radio host Howard Stern, reality tv stars Kim and Khloe Kardashian, conservative talk show host Glenn Beck and Grammy winning singer Stephanie Germanotta (Lady Gaga) who is going to perform at the after party immediately following the show. (thunderous applause) Also with us tonight are a few of the people who were suspected of being the last name on Phillip's list. We have former Vice President and Presidential candidate Kamala Harris, my predecessor at the late show David Letterman and actor Charlie Sheen. (Big applause) Also with us tonight are some people still suspected of being the last name on Phillip's sick list: comedian and actress Whoopi Goldberg, prolific producer Ryan Murphy, comedian and talk show host Bill Maher, former newsman Geraldo Rivera, and singers Ice T and Mick Jagger, both of whom will also be performing at the after party. (thunderous applause)

So, without further ado, please give a big Late Show welcome to the man who made all this possible. He currently has a hit song rising in the chart, the theme song to a movie now playing Sardonicus. Please welcome the leader of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team : Phil Cole.

(I would walk out with a cane and glasses to the tune of Sardonicus.)

Colbert: Welcome, Phil, how are you?

PBC: I'm ok, so far.

Colbert: I notice you're wearing glasses. Is this a new look for you?

PBC: Not exactly; my wife Sharon Cox Cole of Shacocouture is now in the eyeglass frames business. She introduced the line at New York fashion week last weekend. Also I need them to see clearly now.

Colbert: Your eyesight is failing?

PBC: I'm afraid so. Not long ago I tried to shake hands with Susan Sarandon and found myself shaking something else.

Colbert: What did she do?

PBC: Grabbed my crotch and french kissed me.

Colbert: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha um...how is...the family?

PBC: Thank you for asking. Well, the last time I was here I said I had 3 terminally ill cousins.

Colbert: Yes.

PBC: Since then 2 of them died and the third lost her husband.

Colbert: She was sick but he died first?

PBC: Yes, so she's still very sick and...yeah.

Colbert: Now your new movie: Sardonicus with Justin Bieber, is a bit of a flop.

PBC: They can call it that, but I've got a pocket full of receipts.

Colbert: Cash flow problem?

PBC: Yes, my net worth is like a stream and sometimes there's more downstream than upstream.

Colbert: And the critics have been pretty harsh on your leading man Justin Bieber.

PBC: The thing to remember there is that we were making 4 movies at the same time, and we had to wait for certain kinds of weather for a lot of scenes. So most of Sardonicus was filmed first. This is his real acting debut.

Colbert: I see.

PBC: Maybe this is the right time to announce that I just signed him up for 2 more movies.

Colbert: Besides the 2 unreleased films?

PBC: Yes, I can't give the details yet but one of them is a biopic about a singer and the other one is a fictional story using some of the songs from one of his albums.

Colbert: How'd you think of that?

PBC: Actually, before his final illness Phillip and Ford were working on it. You see, we all took music classes in school and agreed it was basically a waste of time. There wee no tests, no home work, no final exams. So we thought up a great long term project: take any album and build a story about it by linking the songs. This will be my big project from grade 8 that I never had to do.

Colbert: I see. Now the last 2 movies, when might we be seeing them?

PBC: Well, one of them is an action blockbuster and the other one is an art house classic. Which one should we release in the summer?

Colbert: Kind of obvious.

PBC: Yes, but which summer? That's what we have to figure out.

Colbert: Well, good luck on that. Now the reason you're here tonight is to finally reveal the last name on Phillip's sick list. So let's start by taking a look at the top 10 suspects as of this week. We have...Hillary Clinton in first place, Vladimir Putin, Lorne Michaels, Ryan Murphy...the same people from last time with the new name in tenth place: Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Actually he was in the top 10 for a while long ago, just got back. So Phil, is the last name on Phillip's sick list in the top 10?

PBC: (long pause) No!

Apparently I missed the number 1349 but no content was left out.

My second cousin on my mother's father's side passed away on December 19. While my wife would have flown to Massachusetts for the funeral with half of her entourage I would have flown alone with my bodyguard a day earlier. I would have been disguised as an old rabbi. He would have flirted with the stewardess. We would have made sure we got the same crew on the return trip. This time I would be disguised as the bodyguard and he as the old rabbi. When she flirted with me I would have left a note saying, "April fool."

On January 9 my second cousin on my mother's father's side died in Maryland. Since her husband would still be richer than I I would have been unable to persuade the family to have a ceremony.

North to Alaska would have been nominated for only one Oscar: cinematography. Nothing else I did directly would be nominated for anything at present.

The big announcement on Colbert would be schedule for February 19 with a big countdown and other events including a televised afterparty following the show.

Sardonicus would have debuted in first place, but with just $16 million the weekend of January 9-11. Avatar: Fire and Ash would have been second with $13 million and the other 3 that finished above $10 million that weekend would have been below. During the 4 day Martin Luther King weekend it would be first with $15 million, barely $100 ahead. It would have been second Friday through Sunday. On the third weekend it would have been second at $7 million and third with $6 million last weekend, $58 million domestic so far, $104 million international but first at least one weekend everywhere but Japan. Despite this, they would call it a flop with only negative reviews.

French Eyes would now be lower on the pop chart than country, dropping through the 80s. The song Sardonicus would have started at 94 then risen steadily, hitting 46 on the pop chart last weekend. They would play it on the American Top 40 for the first time yesterday in the category songs that almost made it. Songs 41-45 would all have been in the countdown previously. They would play it after the last commercial break in the third hour.

Seacrest: Welcome back to the countdown. Before we proceed to this week's number 11 song it's time for a song that almost made it. This week a song called Sardonicus, theme for the new release horror remake of the same name was in 46th place. The song is performed by Justin Bieber, who stars as the title character in the film, but producer Phil Cole was directly responsible for the lyrics. We called him the other day to get his reaction to the song's success.

PBC: This is amazing. I wrote those lyrics in 10 minutes, handed it to Bieber and the _____ ____ orchestra and said, do something with this. I guess I've been working too hard all these years.

French Eyes would have dropped to 57 pop and 59 country last week. North to Alaska would have reached $513 million international.

Today the soundtrack to Sardonicus would go on sale worldwide with no special openings and little fanfare, just a new selection in the new releases section. Most of the soundtrack would be instrumentals, plus some classical tunes from the baroque era. Justin Bieber would have written 3 new songs for the album and I would have been very disappointed when I discovered that none of the lyrics had anything to do with the movie. We would end up playing them during the closing credits. I would have written the lyrics to the theme song in about 10 minutes while trying to get to sleep one night. I would have handed them as is to Bieber and the musicians the first day they were all assembled and been unhappy again weeks later when I realized they didn't change a word. (I would have had no input on the tune but would be satisfied with it.) So I would make no secret this time that I was responsible for the lyrics.

The first person to play it would be Kelly Jordan on KCML in Minnesota. He hosts a show from 10 am to 3 pm central time and would play the song at the very vend of the show.

Jordan: Alright this is it. Have a great weekend everybody. I leave you with a new song released today. It's the theme song from the upcoming Justin Bieber horror flick Sardonicus. See you all next week.

Bieber: In these corridors so eerie,

oil lamps burning, shadows so dreary,

Though my body grows quite weary

I must remain at all times leary

Of my secret host;

Is he a man? Is he a ghost?

Sardonicus!

Backups: Sardonicus!

Bieber: Sardonicus!

Backups: Sardonicus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus,

Bieber: Is he a man? Is he a ghost?

When do I meet my secret host?

Sardonicus!

Backups: Eerie, dreary, weary, leary

Bieber: Sardonicus, Sardonicuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus

(Musical interlude.)

Backups: Eerie, dreary, weary, leary

Sardonicus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus.

(Backups continue)

Bieber: Man or monster, ghost or man?

I can't escape him. No one can.

When will I learn the mystery?

Will I soon be history?

Sardonicuuuuuuuuuuuuuus, Sardonicuuuuuuuus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus.

(Repeat chorus.)

Backups: Man or monster, ghost or man?

Man or monster, ghost or man?

Man or monster, ghost or man?

You can't escape him. No one can:

Sardonicuuuuuuuuuuuus, Sardonicus.

Bieber: Eerie, leary, bleary, dreary,

Dreary, leary, bleary, eerie:

Sardonicus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus.

Bieber and backups: Sardonicus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus, Sardonicus.

Bieber: Sardonicus!

I can't run, nowhere to hide

Backups: Sardonicus!

Bieber: When will I meet my mystery host,

Man or monster, man or ghost?

Sardonicuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus,

Sardonicus!

(Repeat chorus.)

French Eyes would have dropped to 49 pop and 56 country last week. North to Alaska would have stopped playing in the US but continue in some counties, reaching $509 million.

One of my terminally ill relatives died November 28 and was buried December 7. This was the busband of a second cousin in Nova Scotia. I would have attended the funeral and decided to do one local interview in person on Monday. It would be with Barb Jelly on radio station CFLT fm 92.9. They call it the wave. Her show begins at 5 pm local time and I would have joined her in the middle of the first hour.

Jelly: Welcome back to the Barb Jelly Show. I have a guest today, live in the studio. It's a big name in music, movies, everything. I'm so happy to meet Phil Cole.

PBC: And I'm pleased to meet you.

Jelly: Phil, you're not here for the happiest of reasons this time, I'm afraid.

PBC: No, there's a death in my extended family up here in Nova Scotia.

Jelly: So sorry, but everything else is going well for you, isn't it?

PBC: Things are always complicated, but my last movie: North to Alaska, has been very profitable.

Jelly: And there's another coming soon isn't there?

PBC: Yes, January 9. It's called Sardonicus, starring Justin Bieber, the second of the 4 movies we made to get his acting career going.

Jelly: What's the movie about?

PBC: Well, it's a remake of a 1960s British movie, without the accents and less creepy. Bieber plays a reckless young man who bets too often. Then he wins but to get the ticket he has to do something...disgusting, and the ...uh...trauma leaves his face disfigured.

Jelly: Bieber himself had that little...facial paralysis thing.

PBC: Yes and that was when I decided he should do this movie, along with North to Alaska and the other movie I was already planning.

Jelly: Is the movie scary?

PBC: Not too scary; it's great for kids. Sardonicus won't hurt you. He's just hard to look at. There are a couple of people in the movie you have to worry about, but that just makes it supenseful.

Jelly: How's his acting in this one?

PBC: well, I know he didn't get the best reviews for North to Alaska, and he filmed the bulk of these scenes first because most of this movie takes place indoors, so be generous. It's the start of his career. Everyone else did great.

Jelly: Are you in the movie?

PBC: Yes, I play his father, a few intense scenes early in the film.

Jelly: So there are 2 more movies after this. Do you know when you might release them?

PBC: Not sure yet; we have to see about marketing and, the receipts from this one will pay some bills, but if I had to guess now: summer and late fall, but maybe the last one will be next January.

Jelly: 2027.

PBC: Sounds so far away, doesn't it?

Jelly: It comes fast though. What else are you up to?

PBC: Well I have produced a show for right here in Canada called Tales of the Maritimes. I think it'll air in the late summer or fall.

Jelly: What's that about?

PBC: True stories about things that happened in Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, Labrador: ghost stories, shipwrecks and a couple stories from my own family history.

Jelly: Sounds great. Well I wish you all the best. Thanks for stopping by.

PBC: Best interview in a couple years. Thank you.

French Eyes would have dropped to 44 on the pop chart and 52 country on the week ending November 23. North to Alaska would have advanced only about $200,000 that week domestic and hit $506 million international. On the Tuesday following the memorial service a lawyer for Lorne Michaels would have issued a cease and desist order for using Don Novello or Bishop Guido Sarducci. Since I would have had no further plans for him I would have done nothing. The following Tuesday he would have started a lawsuit claiming that using him without permission was a violation of the 2015 contract. I would have believed that Novello became available to me in 2022 and would begin to fight it on those grounds. By now we would have arranged to terminate my contract with my agent effective April 30, 2026. So he would have little comment about any statement I would make. Bombarded with requests for a comment, I would issue a statement early in the morning on Friday, November 28. The first to quote me would be a morning show called The Q Morning Crew with Sweet Lenny and Lil Zim Friday morning. That's a morning show in illinois on a country station called the Q, frequency 98.5 fm. Lil Zim is Lill Zimmerman. They would mention it late in the show, about 9:50 am central time.

Zimmerman: That was French Eyes by Justin Bieber, part of the North to Alaska soundtrack. Part of that song was written by producer Phil Cole, and he made an announcement this morning.

Lenny: What's it about this time?

Zimmermen: Well you know Lorne Michaels is suing him for using Guido Sarducci.

Lenny: Lorne Michaels; isn't he like...100 years old, almost.

Zimmerman: No, he's only 80. A lot of people think they get old the day they start doing things different than in their prime.

Lenny: OK.

Zimmerman: So 80 year old Lorne Michaels is suing 65 year old Phil Cole for giving 82 year old N Don Novello one gig.

Lenny: Petty!

Zimmerman: So Phil released a statement this morning. It says: