#haley pine

Most stations that aired the clip would have silenced the tape because of background sounds. They would have made all kinds of errors and told diverse lies. One station would say it was my mother's funeral, then retract it. Some would lie about a lifelong battle with alcoholism and accuse me of drunk driving. I would have written a snappy retort then decided not to use it because I would be changing agents effective May 1 and wouldn't want to trouble the man in his final weeks. The new agent would understand that he would be primarily a booking agent and try not to influence content. I would have taken a train home to Nevada and postponed all international travel outside of the Americas.

Sardonicus the movie would have ended its run with %88 million domestic and $211 million international. French Eyes would have dropped out of the top 100. Sardonicus the song would have peaked at 28 for 2 weeks and dropped to 32 last week.

We would have decided to release The Global warming Monster on July 31 and started running commercials yesterday on the Sci-Fi Channel. Dwayne Johnson, Haley Pine, Justin Bieber and myself would appear in the commercial.

PBC: This is what I always feared, our recklessness has unleashed the

Johnson: Global

Pine: Warming

Bieber: Monster!

Announcer: Yes, the global warming monster, content to live on a diet of ice and snow for ages is driven from its habitat in search of a new food source, and it's you! The global warming monster has 72 minutes of pulse-pounding suspense and action, 6 new original Justin Bieber songs:

Bieber: (Singing as the monster approaches him from behind) My love is higher than the highest mountain, hungrier than a bear

Pine: You're so wonderful I could eat you up.

Clarkson: Welcome back!  Welcome back.  I’m here with Phil Cole and I feel so invigorated, singing the Dolly Parton part in The Cesspool of Love.  Thank you, Phil.

PBC: Glad you enjoyed it.

Clarkson: So Phil you are just so busy these days.  You’re doing everything!  You’ve got the new songs and a hit movie.  What’s the title again?

(They show part of the original clip.)

Clarkson: So that’s a big hit at the box office, and you wrote it, produced it, acted in it.  Is there anything you can’t do?

PBC: I can’t fly.

Clarkson: That’s about it.  Now this is not even your only collaboration with Dolly Parton.  A few years ago you had this.

(They play part of the Avonelle medley as posted long ago.)

Clarkson: And you got her to sing another song called Bleep Bleep.  How did you manage that?

PBC: Well, they elected her to the Rock and roll hall of Fame and she said she should start singing rock songs.  So I went to the desk and started writing lyrics for her.

Clarkson: treated it like a challenge on one of those competition shows.

PBC: Yes.

Clarkson: Are you in the process of creating one of those shows?

PBC: I’m working on it.

Clarkson: So you’ve written songs for a lot of people now: Dolly Parton, Chris Janson, even Willie Nelson.

PBC: Yes, thanks for mentioning it.

Clarkson: when are you going to write a song for me?

PBC: I did.

Clarkson: When?

PBC: During the pandemic.  Didn’t your people show it to you?  I’ve got the lyrics right here.

Clarkson: Oh my!

PBC: Because of you I can’t go to school or senior prom.

Because of you I can’t celebrate graduation.

Clarkson: Wait...is that...

PBC: You’re singing to the corona virus ha ha ha.

Clarkson: That’s awful.

PBC: Maybe that’s why they didn’t show it to you.

Clarkson: Wow!  I have to think about this one.  Now Phil, there is one important matter that I need you to comment on.

PBC: Sure.

Clarkson: Haley Pine...her ex says you broke up their relationship.

PBC: Maybe I did but not by cheating.  I love that girl like a daughter and she asked my advice.  I told her what I would tell anyone under the same circumstances and she...well it looks like she made the right choice.

Clarkson: So...what would you say to the man if he were here?

PBC: Same as I would say to anyone.  If you want to keep a good girl, be a better man.

Forever’s getting closer every Day would drop to 81 and Time of our Lives to 89 last weekend.

There would still be more than 10 House seats in doubt.  In states that Trump was suing he would be joined by losing candidates at all levels, including some people who conceded as early as election night.  Meanwhile New Hampshire would have won its appeal to get its 4 Electoral Votes reinstated.  Maine would not have won, so it would look like a 275-259 Biden victory.  Beginning on December 7 all national news networks would agree to call Biden President-elect in every first reference.  That would be called a cease-fire in the second news wars.  Some would still complain about Rachel Maddow though.

By December 7 I would be healthy enough to risk short live interviews but with whom?  With Attack of the Lysol Rabbit due for release in theaters December 18 this week would seem the right time, but Colbert would insist that he be the first tv show and his staff would demand that I use the interview to announce whether Phillip will be out of his coma after Trump’s defeat.  We would explain once again that Phillip gets sick just hearing the names of the people on his list and Trump doesn’t stop being a famous celebrity after a loss.  The more practical concern for my agent would be that people would be betting that Joe Biden was the last name on the list.  Some would even start betting that Kamala Harris was the last name on the list.  Since Phillip started getting sick in 2015 he doesn’t know who she is, but  not everyone would know that.  This would be an increasingly disturbing situation unresolved at week’s end.

So I would need a short friendly interview and it would fall into my lap last Sunday when I called my mother and learned that The Morgan Show had returned to WBZ after being suspended early in the lockdown.  Though he had guests scheduled, he would start the second hour with me  for one segment at 10:05 eastern time Saturday night.

White: Welcome back to the second hour of The Morgan Show on WBZ.  My name is Morgan White, Jr., with you each and every Saturday night from 9 to midnight.  This is a call-in show.  You can reach us at 617 654-1030, but not in the next five minutes.  After the first commercial break this hour we will be joined by Donna Halper, an expert on all things pertaining to Boston radio and television, but first we’re spending a few minutes on the phone with a Boston native, now living in California, a guest ho spoke with us in the past about things like the Boston Celtics and other matters: Phil Cole of Phillip and Cole’s Variety Team.  Are you there, Phil?

PBC: Yes, I’m here.

White: And how are you feeling?  I know you’ve been ill.

PBC: Yes, smoke inhalation from the California wildfires.  The whole family got sick.  I got it worse.

White: Yes, and you’ve been fighting the fires, symbolically for a couple of years now with this song.

(He plays a brief segment of California Wildfires.)

PBC: Yes, we’ve raised over $4 million with that song, but some of them are still burning.

White: And you had to flee your home out there for the second time, right?

PBC: Yes, we’ll be moving to another state as soon as the corona virus restrictions are relaxed.  We can’t keep going through this.

White: Will you be returning to New England?

PBC: I don’t think so.  The west coast appeals to me, so maybe Oregon or Washington state.

White: Well, I wish you all the best.

PBC: Yes, and I wish you all the best.  I couldn’t wait to greet you on your return to radio in Boston.  Mother told me last weekend.  She’s so happy to hear you again.

White: And you were a caller at times, before you were famous, right?

PBC: Yes, I called Talking Trivia on a few nights near the end, then tracked you down on another station, the day you interviewed a man about milk paint.

White: Wow!  You remember that!  Well, Phil you have a movie out called Attack of the Lysol Rabbit.  It’s already available on blu-ray and dvd but it’s going to theaters this Friday.  Is that correct?

PBC: Yes, that’s right.  I’m hoping for some Oscar and Golden Globe nominations.

White: Do you think you have a chance?

PBC: I’m very pleased with all the acting.  The olden Globes has a newcomers award and either Haley Pine or the little girl _____ _____ might get a nomination.  That’s the best shot, plus some technical awards.

White: Now just last year you did a movie called Attack of the Flying Oysters.  Is this a sequel?

PBC: No, it’s not a sequel.  We did use several actors in both.  Katie Cassidy and Tom Holland are the stars once again, but a very different relationship.  William Shatner, Matthew McConaghey and Amy Schumer all returned.  The rabbit is not menacing and-spoiler alert-doesn’t kill anyone.

White: So is this a comedy?

PBC: I hope so, but comedies end in marriage and...I’m not telling where the relationships stand at the end of this one.

White: So it’s not quite boy meets girl?

PBC: Boy meets 2 girls and...spends the rest of the movie deciding which he likes best.  The rabbit is a catalyst and, kind of a subplot, but I hope somebody will give the rabbit an award, maybe MTV ha ha.

White: Animal actor of the year.

PBC: We’ll see.

White: Well, it’s time for a break, so I have to say goodbye.  Your voice held up.  I know you were concerned about that.

PBC: Yes, thank you and good luck.

White: Best of luck to you and happy holidays.

PBC: Thank you and goodnight.

Jane Pauley would do an in-depth interview with Haley Pine and use a longer segment of the scene in the last post, calling attention for the first time to 70 consecutive seconds of Pine and Cassidy’s legs as they talk.  This would be my idea not just to make it the sexiest scene of the movie while being non-sexual but for the theme of changing times represented in this 60s era film.  I won’t attempt to guess what the interview would be like but post the scene in its extended form because I would have been partially responsible for the dialogue.

Cassidy: He’s not your boyfriend. He’s fair game and I think he likes me better.

Pine: Because you bake good cookies.

Cassidy: Because he’s looking for a wife, not a...a...sex symbol.

Pine: I happen to be an upstanding citizen, a model citizen.

Cassidy: Then become a model, get paid for those legs. Don’t just be a walking peep show. 

Pine: Peep show, how old fashioned you are all of a sudden!

Cassidy: Every boy who ever paid me any mind was interested in my talents, my skill with cooking and sewing.  When we went shopping the other day every man in sight was staring at your legs.  What do you think was on the mind of that man in the shoe store, when he got you to model those shoes?

Pine: He was buying shoes for his sister.  he wanted to see how they looked on real feet.  That’s all.

Cassidy: He was looking up your skirt!

Pine: No!...no...oh no.

Someone would have edited my original script for attack of the Lysol Rabbit and I would have encouraged the actors to improvise, but officially I would be the script writer, so each clip would include some material I wrote.  The next clip would be on Dateline NBC Friday night, combined with a brief comment from the 2 leading ladies Katie Cassidy and Haley Pine.  The clip would follow.  It is from their second major scene together, about the love triangle.

Cassidy: He’s not your boyfriend. He’s fair game and I think he likes me better.

Pine: Because you bake good cookies.

Cassidy: Because he’s looking for a wife, not a...a...sex symbol.

Pine: I happen to be an upstanding citizen, a model citizen.

I was in a hurry for the last 2 posts and got them out of sequence.  The film Attack of the Lysol Rabbit would be going direct to video on October 29.  The first commercials would start airing on October 9.  Different versions would follow, but only the first one-minute tv commercial would include a spoken line by my character: Phil Ireland.  The cast would include: Katie Cassidy as Kathy Cass-Nelson, Tom Holland as my son Paul Ireland, William Shatner as Mordecai Ginther, Amy Schumer as his daughter Ruth Ginther-Lyon, Matthew McConaghey as her husband Mel Lyon and Haley Pine as Susan Cass.  The part of Josie Nelson, Kathy’s daughter, would be played by a ten-year-old girl.  She would be a newcomer so on every reference that follows I will refer to her as _____ _____.  Hank Williams III would be solely responsible for all the songs.

Williams: (Continuing with sound suppressed throughout the commercial) Your farm is doomed.  Hide the peas and carrots.

You can’t hide them from the Lysol Rabbit.

He’s too big to hold, so don’t try to grab it.

You just can’t stop the Lysol rabbit.

Announcer: Paul and Susan were a happy young couple.

Pine: Flowers!  You’re so sweet.

Holland: Not as sweet as you dear.

Announcer: Then he met her older sister.

Cassidy: Would you like some fresh baked cookies/

Announcer: Now he had a problem.

Holland: Kathy loves me, Susan loves me, neither of them loves me., Kathy loves me...

Announcer: So he asked for a little help.

PBC: The way to a mother’s heart is through her daughter.

Announcer: So he took his dad’s advice.

____ _____: A bunny rabbit!  Thank you uncle Paul.

Announcer: But something went wrong.

McConaghey: You clumsy oaf! 

Announcer: And the following spring...

_____ _____: He’s as big as the barn door!

Announcer: So this holiday season, treat your family to a thrilling adventure, direct to video October 29: the Attack of the Lysol Rabbit.

Fitz: That was Forever’s getting closer every Day by Hank Williams III and Phil Cole, and Phil is live on the phone right now.  Phil, everyone wants to know, how much of that song did you write?

PBC: I wrote 2 lines and the title.

Fitz: Wait!  That title repeats about 17 times in the song, doesn’t it?

PBC: I guess Hank liked it a lot.

Fitz: Ha ha ha so what’s the other line?

PBC: We prefer to keep that a mystery, but I think I can reveal it’s in the last stanza.

Fitz: So it was your idea to give the song a shock ending.

PBC: No, well, so many songs just have nothing at the end.  They just repeat the chorus a few extra times.  Then it’s over and I shout at the radio: “What happened next?”  Songs should end strong.  Good ones should get a sequel too.

Fitz: speaking of sequels, this song is from your movie Attack of the flying Oysters.  will there be a sequel to that soon?

PBC: Not a sequel, but most of the cast: Katie Cassidy, Tom Holland, Amy Schumer, Matthew McConaghey, William Shatner, a few more, are coming back for another film called Attack of the Lysol Rabbit.

Fitz: Ha ha ha ha ha ha that’s an even funnier title.

PBC: Remember these are not comedies, and not really horror movies.  Attack of the flying Oysters is a love story with a great soundtrack. 

Fitz: And Attack of the Lysol Rabbit?

PBC: Call it a love triangle.

Fitz: He can’t decide between the girl and the rabbit ha ha.

PBC: No, 2 sisters.  We’ve got a nice young lady named Haley Pine.  She comes from my old state, Rhode Island.  She’ll be playing Katie’s younger sister and he can’t decide which of them he likes best.

Fitz: and what does the rabbit do?

PBC: Grows big and...causes problems.