love, m.

i still care for you, i'd still hold your hands and hug you when you think the world is your enemy and this life is not doing you any good. i'd still give you the love i couldn't even translate into words and put into actions;

but these days, i often find myself thinking of things i want to do once all of this is over and... you are not in one those little trips i want to take,

i feel bad that you don't cross my mind as often as how it used to be; i no longer remember you in colors, foods, places, songs and particular movies

i wonder when it stopped

i guess this is really part of growing up — we don't have the luxury of time anymore like we had before. we were both committed to some things, i have work, which can be incredibly exhausting, and you need to continue your studies while taking your internship.

it's hard to see these changes coming, to let go of the things we used to do, to traverse different paths and explore the universe in our own way.

despite of the new landscape in our life, i'm certain of one thing: my love for you is constant.

it feels like when my mom used to walk me on my first day of school in first grade. she stayed, watched and waited for me to get comfortable in this new, unbeknownst environment. until now, i could feel her eyes following every tiny actions i made, from turning my head to her direction to fixing my gaze to the green board, scribbled with the teacher's name. when i finally settled, it was her cue to go home. it alarmed me, knowing that she would leave me in this place. of course, i cried. i bawled my eyes out but it was no use, she waved goodbye and gave me this reassuring smile. i trust my mother, more than anyone in this world. after a couple of minutes, i calmed down then i felt okay.

if only my mom could walk me on my first day of work, i would like her to send me off in this adult life.

you see what i did there? deleted a sentence because it does not reflect what's going on in my head, how i wish i can talk to people about the things i like; to find the right word needed in the moment.

tonight, the lightness brought by shame, guilt and the reality that i am just a mediocre pile up in my chest. ironic, is it? i feel a lot of negativity yet my bodyparts moves as ligjt as feather. maybe it is the emptiness just paying a visit, reminding me i got too distracted with the fragmented perspective i built.