The State of my Mind
This is something I wrote while drunk a couple of weeks ago. Obviously I don’t post much on tumblr these days, but thought there was no better place for a small outpouring of where exactly my head is at.
Early January, 2016. Overall, as far as I can think, I have never been in a more mentally healthy and stable state than I am right now. I was emtionally unstable, bullied constantly, and had fairly severe anger problems through school. Later years of high school depression grew, becoming the gaping hole that enveloped me for the next 10 years. First year university brought with it my first real breakup, facing near-insermountable mountains worth of intensity with uni work, losing my old friends, being constantly amongst new friends, anxiety crippling me to a shrivelling mess and depression threatening to take me out of my life as I was living it.. either for a week or for good. It was in this time I first started to discover my vices, for which I am and it seems always have been ready to pick up when times get tricky. I drank constantly, went from caffiene highs to alcohol buzzes. I smoked about as heavily as every other first year psuedo-arts student. I dropped lower my first year out of university, with toxic relationships burning any remnants of self-respect or confidence that maybe I could be something more than who I am. I tried to end everything on three separate occasions, one of those times of which no one else is even aware of. I bled, my liver took a pounding, my personal credit debt hit 5 figures, and I added a layer of black on lungs... But I survived. My memory doesn't even exist for much of this time, all repressed and blacked out. And then I started to climb up. I left Sydney to try a fresh approach, to be far away from the harsh triggers and reality that surrounded my life at home. That was a good trip, but ended abruptly and with the same crippling hit of separation from someone I love that I have truly started to get to know over the years. But I kept climbing up. Slowly, rung by rung, I continued to pull myself further and further out of the pit I was so near to never escaping. I was offered an opportunity to join my friends in working at their company, in a management role to boot. 18 months and two bars later, a city apartment and an English girlfriend later... I'm unmedicated, I'm relatively stable. I am able to stay in control of my own mind even under stress and duress. I shake less often, I barely smoke anymore. I have a big Europe trip planned in 6 months time. I am alive, and life has never been better.
