Inconsistently Searching

I feel like not enough people realize that people under enormous strain act really really fucking Weird

when I went for my adhd assessment one of the questions was something along the lines of, do you struggle with waiting periods? and I was like, no. I’m an expert at waiting actually, I am so good at it. I carry 1-2 books, my Switch, a crossword puzzle and/or sudoku book, and an assortment of small tactile toys like a spinning top, a Rubik’s cube, a small puzzle slider, etc. at all times in my big bag. I am so good at waiting. No struggles there.

the thing they dont tell you about learning to "trust the process" is that you forget and relearn it every single time you make a new piece of art. unfortunately there is no cure either

The thing about a good character flaw is that it has to be the same thing as their greatest strength just turned up too high. the person who loves deeply and therefore controls. the person who sees everything and therefore trusts nothing. the person who is so loyal they lose themselves. there are no clean villains and no clean heroes and once you understand that in fiction you can't unsee it in people. everyone is just their best quality at the wrong volume.

Look I know this is a scientific publication but you don’t understand— we need to include milk and cookies in the photo. We have to. Otherwise the science suffers

if i couldn't have any of the obvious first choice superpowers i would want my power to be the power of i can go anywhere and its not a problem. the way this power would work is that as long as im peaceful and respectful i can go anywhere and nobody will see it as weird or see me as a target for hostility. i can walk into a cool house to politely peep the decor or walk into a tall office building to politely peep the decor or walk around a city at night alone to politely peep the decor or walk into a strange facility to politely peep the decor or walk onto a plane and ride the plane to its destination and then walk around there to politely peep the decor and its fine as long as im chill. no need to make me faster or anything i can just walk at a normal pace. its good for the soul.

first choice superpower is of course to be the thing from The Thing except im friendly and my superhero name is Mystery Meat

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

Every once in a while I'll get engaged where a piece of media where one character has a highly specific and non-obvious speaking quirk, which I myself don't notice but another fan or friend far more unwell than me will catch onto and inform me of. And then it's like I'm part of the secret true universe and any fan content breaking the rule will, inadvertently and in ways I cannot fault them for, brand themselves an imposter.

Garnet StevenUniverse does not ask questions. Jax TheAmazingDigitalCircus does not curse. Probably 80% of the Homestuck fuckers have some flavor of this but I'm not unwell enough for that.

the more elusive and arcane cousin of "he would not fucking say that"

there came a moment in my youth when I was preparing to #lie to someone and was stressing out about them not believing it and getting mad at me because I knew I was going to look shifty the whole time, but then it occurred to me that I knew all my tells because they were things that momentarily made my anxiety go down (turning my body away from them a little, looking at the floor, using excessive filler words, over-explaining, etc.), and since I could feel what they all were I could just. not do them. and suddenly it felt like I had stopped existing as a single unified being with my feelings and body inherently interconnected and instead was able to use my body like a very sophisticated tool that responds to precise instructions and only does what I actively tell it to. which made me very good at lying and garnered me a few student acting awards, but also led to some other problems of various natures further down the line. alas.

a side effect of this is that every so often, when someone around me is upset to the point of tears and I'm trying to help them, I'll get a sudden violent pang of envy that they're even capable of doing that at all. they don't have to go through the endless drop down menus of "am I feeling something?" -> "what am I feeling?" -> "how would I express it?" -> "would now be the right time and place to express it?" -> "now? do I do it now? right here right now? what happens if 'the person who never cries' bursts into tears?", it just happens for them all at once, no middlemen. expressing a real emotion often feels exactly the same as lying because I have to put exactly the same amount of active effort into both of them, and sometimes all the little choices that go into Looking Upset make it feel like a whole production, like an artificial performance, so I mostly never do it. which, though I would never let this come out of my mouth because I'm aware that it's wildly unfair, also sometimes turns up in my most uncharitable thoughts when other people are upset. a little "cmon mate, this is a bit much," at the back of my head. "I don't ever do this, so why don't you put in the same effort?"

I used to really like the ✨ emoji but now she's best friends with AI and I feel like I can't trust her anymore

NO do NOT let them win. We can save her. We can wrest her association back from AI. She doesn't deserve this and we can't abandon her.