do you want to be smart? or know things?

You don't like tumpet? 🎺? bwaaa?

has anyone seen my pet bacteriophage its name is styrofoam and its about [hand touching the floor] this tall

why do men have this eternal fear of being used for money they don’t have lol

affirmations they will not kill me at work today. it is not in my job description to get killed. if they did kill me at work that would be weird and probably not worth it for them

Gay broke sober king 🤴

wish i could have been a fly on the wall for THAT conversation! not because i wanted to hear it or anything but because i'd be a lil buuuuug

Fuck small talk.  Let’s talk about how your day was, the weather, or the big game last night.

complimented a womans clear raincoat this morning and she said Well i feel like a sandwich

The thing about how you will talk like a tumblr user for the rest of your life is that usually people won’t clock it but sometimes you’ll meet someone and you’ll actually be able to see a look of painful recognition in their eyes when you say some tumblypoo bullshit while everyone else just thinks you had an epic original thought. And it’s gonna make you a little bit sorry you were born

you can't come to my birthday party? aw dang, (remembers it's bad to guilt trip people) this doesn't matter to me at all (remembers to demonstrate that i am affected by you to affirm your positive presence in my life) but while you're away i will die (remembers not to guilt trip again) unpreventably. unrelated to you. don't worry about it. (remembers to express care through actions and not just words) you're in the will.

not to be untoward but a lot of US citizens are making the mass murder of iranians about themselves and there's very few polite ways to say "stop centering yourself in every mass casualty event" politely

jake and logan paul will die by each other's hand outside the city walls of westlake ohio like eteocles and polynices outside the walls of thebes

imagine you have a movie with oscar isaac and john boyega and people fixate on adam driver instead. this actually happened

You’re married to your phone background/lockscreen how fucked are you