do you want to be smart? or know things?

You don't like tumpet? 🎺? bwaaa?

Fuck small talk.  Let’s talk about how your day was, the weather, or the big game last night.

complimented a womans clear raincoat this morning and she said Well i feel like a sandwich

The thing about how you will talk like a tumblr user for the rest of your life is that usually people won’t clock it but sometimes you’ll meet someone and you’ll actually be able to see a look of painful recognition in their eyes when you say some tumblypoo bullshit while everyone else just thinks you had an epic original thought. And it’s gonna make you a little bit sorry you were born

you can't come to my birthday party? aw dang, (remembers it's bad to guilt trip people) this doesn't matter to me at all (remembers to demonstrate that i am affected by you to affirm your positive presence in my life) but while you're away i will die (remembers not to guilt trip again) unpreventably. unrelated to you. don't worry about it. (remembers to express care through actions and not just words) you're in the will.

not to be untoward but a lot of US citizens are making the mass murder of iranians about themselves and there's very few polite ways to say "stop centering yourself in every mass casualty event" politely

jake and logan paul will die by each other's hand outside the city walls of westlake ohio like eteocles and polynices outside the walls of thebes

imagine you have a movie with oscar isaac and john boyega and people fixate on adam driver instead. this actually happened

You’re married to your phone background/lockscreen how fucked are you

bouncing on his everything

sneaks up behind you really loudly

forget your zodiac tell me what you order at a bar and at a coffee shop

we play Skyrim on the work computer we have a shared save and our characters name is the full name of our boss, who does not know about this

LADIES ladies please ladies PLEASE oh god oh oh oh god ladies help

If quagsire was real I would teach mine how to roll weed and bite people

i don't know how you people can stand to watch family guy

No, like genuinely. Even putting aside how painfully unfunny it is, that show is just fucking nasty! Every time my siblings put it on it was just the characters being mean about characters being fat, autistic, trans, etc. Remember when they did an episode where a guy sleeps with a trans woman and then there's a 30 second compilation of the guy puking violently? How they constantly tear into peter for being fat? How his boss is mocked for being autistic? Nasty ass show and y'all are showing a lot about yourselves the way you make it a pillar of yourself!

Quagsire